WebKittyn Warbles

Tomorrow I am going to be cut open by pairs of hands I have never felt and putting the trust of my exposed lung in a man I have never said more than 5 words to. Tomorrow my life will literally hang in the hands of one surgeon and one anesthesiologist as he goes in under my breast enough to take enough to give the lung guy, kidney guy, heart guy and disease guy each a piece.

There will be something sticking out from my lung for 24 hours doing the breathing for the lung. There will be discomfort, pain, heavy levels of narcotics and then the agonisiingly scary wait for results

When I was a child my dad had his spleen out. He was all brave and crap until he went into surgery and in his Book of Motmom he kept with him, we found his fears gently written in words of love to his family = just in case.

These are mine = just in case.

My mother - You dont like to believe you are strong but you are the backbone of the family. I could never hope to be 1/11111 of the mother and wife you have been. You deserved better than I. I remember when you used to sing You Are my
Sunshine to me as a child. I remember every wonderful thing you ever did for me and if things go wrong. this is entirely on me. There isnt a person in the world who could want or hope for a better and more loving mother/

My father. - I know all so well how you would be right here with me if you werent fighting your own battle. I could see the uyworry in your eyes tonight and it gutted me as you were stuck in your own room.; My whole life you have been my teacher, sparring partner, rescuer from camp and I remember the hugs and choruses of daddys little girl. I've let you down so much, daddy. ALl Id ask is one last chance to make you proud but if I dont get it plesdr know you were always the man no other man ever came close to.

Dale - never in 24 years has there been a best friend like yourself. How much you have selflessly given and done while asking for so little. I have let you down in many ways as well and perhaps you have always been deserving of a better best friend. Ive never really told you how much respect I have for your brain, talent, skewed way of thinking and warm generous heart. I love you bud, sorry I wasnt a better Bunky.

Templeton my rat cat.. I promised you you would never know sadness and lonelinesss as a cat. You came ftom a beginning of fear and mistrust and hurt, I swore you would never know anything but happiness., If something happens, I SWEAR to you Grandma will give you that home. You savcd me when Claude died, I love you my Tempy.

Ishnael, I'm sorry you came around to late. You are w wonderful loving kitten I think grandma already loves and you will never know a day of sadness.

Grandma Ruth, Grandpa Irv, Great-Grandma Mary, Babara and Doris.. I guess I am also in your hands tomorrow. I hope youve found the peace to forgive me for the selfish and disgusting person I was in my teens. I wish I could show you each how much Ive learned over the years. I ask for your guidance coming through this so I may make my father proud at least one more time and show my mother that she is truly the greatest person in the world. I treated all of you with no respect and I wish I could have that time back now.

Claudie and Catsby, as much as I love you two I'm not ready to cross the Rainbow Bridge to Everest yet.

And now with much love, fear, guilt, regret, hope and pain I shall post this, these last words of mine for January 25th 2007.
before my body is invaded my hands and tools.

I love all of you so fucking much.

Dig this, this is hard to beat.

I had the worst night Thursday night. Was up all night in agony. I finally gave up yesterday morning and went to the ER at Kingston Hospital were my dad is.

We gpt there at 10 and they pretty much went to town. They took an unglodly amount of blood, leaving the thing in me for later use.

I had an EKG. I had a CAT scan. I had blood drawn from my arterey to check blood gasses. I had chest x-rays, heart x-rays...

Somewhere around 7 pm they came in to tell me not only was I being admitted, I had the honour of going into a private 'isolation' room with special venting and requiring all visitors and staff to wear masks, gloves and gowns.

Why?

They believe I have .....................

Get ready.....

Tuberculosis.

Excuse me? I didn't even think people GOT TB anymore.

They gave me this test, it's a shot of some shit under the skin and if it's positive it's supposed to swell up bad. I'm tempted to get a black pen and write TB in big letters over the infection site.

Seems I have water on my lungs as well.

Meanwhile my dad is down at the other end of the floor with the non-contaminated people.

I should be terrified but the people in this place are really amazing. The Dr. who just drew the arterial blood had been in to visit me a few times and everyone looks silly in a yellow gown.

It is a tad lonely even though the wifi helps a lot. If anyone wants to call me, best time is after 5, the number is 845 331 3131 Room 309A. Incoming calls only run till 9 so if you want to leave me your number I can call later.

Under all the bravado I'm pretty fucken terrified so support is nice. Don't be like me, don't think just because all seems well on the outside that all is well on the inside.

My mother just got here. I'll be back.

Dig this, this is hard to beat.

I had the worst night Thursday night. Was up all night in agony. I finally gave up yesterday morning and went to the ER at Kingston Hospital were my dad is.

We gpt there at 10 and they pretty much went to town. They took an unglodly amount of blood, leaving the thing in me for later use.

I had an EKG. I had a CAT scan. I had blood drawn from my arterey to check blood gasses. I had chest x-rays, heart x-rays...

Somewhere around 7 pm they came in to tell me not only was I being admitted, I had the honour of going into a private 'isolation' room with special venting and requiring all visitors and staff to wear masks, gloves and gowns.

Why?

They believe I have .....................

Get ready.....

Tuberculosis.

Excuse me? I didn't even think people GOT TB anymore.

They gave me this test, it's a shot of some shit under the skin and if it's positive it's supposed to swell up bad. I'm tempted to get a black pen and write TB in big letters over the infection site.

Seems I have water on my lungs as well.

Meanwhile my dad is down at the other end of the floor with the non-contaminated people.

I should be terrified but the people in this place are really amazing. The Dr. who just drew the arterial blood had been in to visit me a few times and everyone looks silly in a yellow gown.

It is a tad lonely even though the wifi helps a lot. If anyone wants to call me, best time is after 5, the number is 845 331 3131 Room 309A. Incoming calls only run till 9 so if you want to leave me your number I can call later.

Don't visit, no one can come in here anyway in contamination land but hell, a card is always nice! (grins)

Under all the bravado I'm pretty fucken terrified so support is nice. Don't be like me, don't think just because all seems well on the outside that all is well on the inside.

My mother just got here. I'll be back.

Look. A cute cat.

Yes yes, look at the date and time. Seems I botched it tonight or I can say hey, it's not midnight yet on the west coast.

Tomorrow is not going to be fun.

My dad has to have a colonoscopy and I think I'm finally giving in and going to the ER to find out what the hell is wrong with me, it's been almost three weeks and I keep getting worse. Unless I chicken out again.

I've lost 19 pounds since December, I just can't eat anything.

So forgive me for missing the 12am deadline, I'll make up for it.