Friday, June 17, 2011
Talking in Code
More than half the songs I stick up there in the 30 Day Song Challenge or just post are not random picks. They all mean something to me, they're all associated with someone or something.
Sometimes when I'm too much of a chickenshit to say the things I want to say I'll do it with a song. It's usually pretty clear to the intended target that this one's for them. I do the same when I'm pissed, I've just been doing it forever.
Yes, it would be easier just to say the things to the people or write/talk about the situations but who wants easy, I've never taken the easy route with anything and I've never liked anything easy (except British men). I know it also pisses a few people off, I've gotten bitched at more than once for responding to questions/spats with music instead of words. Not forever, I eventually do talk but this is an annoying habit of mine I actually enjoy so I take the bitching. I like matching songs to people and things, I like getting lost in a song that reminds me of a person. I love it when someone catches on that that one was for them without my telling them, that thrills me. The haters are going to have to keep on hating.
To me, if a song is just a song then I have no use for it. There are millions of songs. It has to mean something. Like sex, it has to have emotion in it, it has GOT to mean something.
Even Darkstar doesn't know all the songs matched to him, some are sarcastic and he wouldn't appreciate the humour.
So there's my little secret for the night. I talk in music when I'm either too much of a coward to speak up or just because I enjoy it. Something on FB will go by and it will remind me of a person or a song matched to the person whose post I just read on goes the song. I can't post them all, my wall would be all songs and no boots.
I guess I do that with a lot of shit, not just music. Yes, this revelation just in. Talk about free flow writing. I know I talk in circles a lot of the time but the people who are supposed to get it, get it. The coward thing isn't entirely true either. Yah, sometimes it's there, who wants to be told to piss off or told their song sucks but for the most part it's just my screwy head. I like talking in circles and in music.
I come clean when asked though, I'm not that freaky. If called out directly I'll spill all but if left to my own devices I'll speak through music and things that might not look like they make sense to the rest of the world except myself the person or people meant to get it.
No, I don't expect anyone to sit there and waste time trying to figure out if the latest bit of tripe on my wall is some deep message or what the hell the latest song means. I don't expect anyone to care that much, I really don't. I'm just trying to explain why at times I appear so peculiar. I'm not an easy person to get to know. Getting easier but the annoying code talking isn't going anywhere.
I'm really not that batshit, I pretty much know what I'm doing (how was that, did it sound like I meant it?)
I just go about things in odd ways.
I prefer the word 'quirky.'
And yes, this a totally dopey pointless entry no one's going to give a fat rat's ass about but that's okay too. A lot of the FBers aren't bloggers so they don't quite get what I'm doing here but they read when the posts pop up on the wall. It's self-therapy. I slip into the quiet hours of night with some good mood music on and this is when and were it all comes together and starts to make sense. This is why we blog.
Tonight was a good night, I'm feeling dopey and silly and at the same time deeply reflective. It's been a full night of songs that have meaning to me, that's where this all came from. Last night was so sad I'm totally content with right now. Right now is right how it should be and I'll take that.
So hello, my name is Heather and now that you've agreed to be my friend you'll have to get used to me talking in code. It gets easier.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
And She Said..
Tonight is Bad One
Tonight I'm really missing my dad. I know it's normal but tonight's just a really hard night.
Tomorrow won't be as hard, I know this. Right now I just know I'm sad.
Miss ya, Dad.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
No, I’m Not a Hypocrite
No, actually I don't find myself hypocriticil or hypocritical. I see where you're coming from but you misunderstand.
My clips that I threatened to play were of a deatbeat on my phone who won't pay back what he promised would come April 1st. I've got a few voicemails where he sounds like he either just drank the entire bar or snorted a sand dune up his nose babbling about money and love and 'friendships' he would 'never screw over,' We're talking slurred, hardly understandable voicemail that I saved in case we end up on Judge Judy. That show was one of the ones I'm trying to work past, you'll notice I never posted it on podomatic because it disgusted me, I disgusted me. I can see where in jumping between topics and talking about three things at once you saw it that way.
I have no x rated clips of any sort, audio or video. Period. Nada. If I did, I would certainly never out them. Not even if they were of a sitting US Congressman, I don't need a payout that bad. That's really low end and even at my worst I couldn't go there. If I made it sound like I had such things, I'm sorry it came out that way. I hate to let people down but 99% of my pictures and videos are cats (the kind with 4 legs, no cute plays on words there) and any audio clips are skype calls from listeners who want their clips played.
I may have my ugly days but I couldn't do that. Although if it were a Congressman and a bunch of other people came out first with stuff I might join the pack much later on and not taking any money for git but that's about it. I don't betray trusts and there isn't a person alive who can say they've ever heard anything risque that anyone ever sent me - because there aint none and even if there was I wouldn't do it. I didn't out Weiner, I just think he's a bit of a disgusting pig-man and I don't feel sorry for him. There has got to be a point where you exercise some self-control and if you don't have that modicum of self-control I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you making laws for me.
So there's your answer. I hate to burst both your voyeuristic bubbles but no, I have nothing to share with the world and no, I have no pictures of Anthony Weiner's weiner. I do, however, have a ton of really cute cats playing with other really cute cats and lots of audio clips of Charlie Manson singing and spurting forth Manson-isms. And no, I am not a hypocrite. I'm a lot of things and they're not all puppies and poppies but I'm definitely not a hypocrite.
Question answered, now where's my cookie. You promised a Nutter Butter.
(this entry really posted at 2:15, I can't figure out how to change my times, dur dur dur) (never mind, I found it. I am woman, hear me roar)
Things I WILL Do By the End of the Year
1. Go six months without a cigarette.
2. Cry on someone's shoulders. Really let it ALL out on a pair of strong male shoulders that can handle getting soaked.
3. Walk across the bridge from NYC to Brooklyn and back with Darkstar.
4. Go into NY city and face to face it with Meathe.
5. Ride on the back of a motorcycle in the Fall weather.
6. Get SAM working.
7. Have the grand Mojo Meet Up somewhere where people can go to, start planning.
8. Get my hair extensions.
9. Get one pair of really expensive Fall boots.
10. Go to the Greenwich Village parade on Halloween.
11. Have one crazy, illogical and wonderful fling/tryst
12. Add a webcam space to the KMRL chat room.
13. Do a few shows with the webcam on.
14. Train for Base Camp.
15. Go to my father's grave three times.
16. Organise a Pat's get together at the Quarry when Luke is bartending.
17. Go to a CB gathering.
18. See two concerts.
19. Go to a wine tasting and vineyard tour.
20. See one Broadway show.
21. 20 random acts of kindness.
22. Hand-write Christmas cards to my friends.
23. Remind my friends often how much I love them and what they mean to me.
24. Walk the Dutchess pathway over the river with Darkstar.
25. Redo my bathroom.
26. Allow myself to feel attraction/interest in someone.
27. Get the graft in my arm deflated.
28. Go to three haunted hayrides/haunted fields/haunted houses for Halloween week.
29. Go to the Dutchess County Food & Wine Fair in the fall.
30. Make 3 new friends.
There it is. Not a huge list and some of the things are really simple but I think if I can pull off everything on the list by the end of the year I can go into 2012 really feeling good about all of it. 2008 was the year of kidney loss and six months in hospitals and my father's illness. 2009 was the year of his death and my continuing illness. 2010 was a lost year of grief and self pity and being a mean closed in person even I wouldn't want to know (why didn't those who took off on me understand what I was going through, sometimes I wonder what made some stick it out and others flee so easily even though I know I was really fucked up and shitty), it was a year of doing nothing and going nowhere and doing my best to chase away anyone who tried. 2011 was split with the first half a continuation of 2010's misery and the 2nd half turning into a re-birth of sorts.
I want the rest of 2011 to be more than just a spiritual thing, I want it also to be physical so we've got the gatherings and the KMRL meet up and the motorcycle ride and the fling/tryst. I want to laugh and have fun and do some stupid things, it's been too long and I've earned the right to have a few laughs. I want to keep working on my head which I imagine will get easier as I start to cross things off my little list and start to feel better about actually doing things instead of just talking about doing them.
It's surprising how easy it's become to 'fess up to my mistakes. I can also acknowledge the good, this isn't about constantly beating myself down. I know there's been good but there's been way too much bad. Back in my 20's I used to do this thing called "going to the mirror." Darkstar used to hear about it all the time. Going to the mirror meant literally going to a full length mirror and taking a long look at myself without clothes and looking at the outside AND the inside. Was I happy with what I saw in either? Going to the mirror was always about being brutally honest, it wasn't a time to remember the good about myself, it was a time to stand tall and admit and accept the bad. Only then could I really change it.
I've been to that mirror recently. Aint pretty. It's better looking on the inside than it was a year ago, six months ago, a month ago but it's still not there. That's what this list is for and that's what all this blogging is for. Besides the comments I get here (which I truly appreciate and I pay attention to every one), the support I'm getting in email and FB messages from both friends and strangers is really inspiring.
I'm going to put this list somewhere on FB where it will always be there, either in my profile or a KMRL forum, whichever will make it last. I'll be updating at things happen and hopefully those who have been cheering me on will see things getting checked off and hopefully I'll continue on the emotional/spiritual regrouping path I'm on.
Besides. Number 11 is fun, everyone should have at least one crazy illogical tryst before they die!