Friday, October 08, 2004

Bleh.

Bleh, I say. Bleh. I haven't warbled in a few days and here I am with my first warble a bitch. Oh well, fits the mood.

So yesterday I spent eight (8) nonstop hours working on a new design. 8 hours is a long time. I did get up to pee and get some more water and check the mail but other than that, it was a marathon of creative attempt.

And when I was done, I have to say I was proud. Ok, I didn't write it from the ground up but there just isn't time at the moment for that. But I *did* rework the java, redo all the design and now I'm taking apart the Flash part of it.

Yes, I was proud of my work. I went to show it to my friends, to the most important people in my world. I admit openly that I am occasionally weak and sometimes even I need affirmation. Nothing wrong with that, I'm weak and I admit it.

Like a small child who has just returned home from school, excited to no end about a 'painting' she did in school today, running to the most important people in her world to show it off. I had the same smile on my stupid face, I had the same feeling of trepidation and the work was reviewed.

What did I get? It's nice and pretty cool but I'm downloading plug ins and nice work, hlyn.

I cannot verbalise how much that hurt me. I fled quickly after, not about to let anyone know that their nonchalance had in fact brought tears. This was the single biggest thing I have done in close to a year and FINALLY the start of the end of a project I've been talking about finishing for a year. And I was proud of it, so very proud of it.

Nice work?!?!? Plug ins??!?!? What the hell?!?!?

I'm still hurt, as I sit here and warble this I notice a stray tear running down my face. It is NOT oversensitive to expect those who count the most to actually care about something so big. But that was obviously not the case and needless to say, I have absolutely no desire at all today to continue my work.

Yes, I'm weak. Kill me for it now, I don't care. I need the occasional dose of validation and while I don't say I'm any sort of anything great but I try and do that for people, I try to encourage and validate.

I'm hurt. And I just want to sleep.