Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Depressing at Times

So this is in my chest, I've shown it to people so I figured I might as well post it. It hurts every minute of every day and what you can't see is the start of 50 stitches in my upper arm that begins about an inch away from the cath. Much pain.

When I was in the hospital I would take my nightly walk downstairs and outside for a cig. When I came back I would sit in the main hall and watch people come in and out. Sometimes I would pull my collar down and flash the cath just to see the looks of horror in the faces walking by me. One time I flashed a small child who screamed, jumped and grabbed his mother's leg. It was evil but oh so funny.

Sometimes it gets depressing. My life is ruled at the moment by dialysis, all the spontaneity of my life is gone. I can't miss dialysis. I can't shower because of the cath. I can't drive because of the graft. I can't do anything. I don't know if I'll be able to get off dialysis, I won't know for 6 months.

Yah, sometimes it's easy to get depressed or fall into a poor me party. I try not to let it overtake me and I usually win but not always. My whole life has changed and I've chosen to cope with it without the help of pills. In the hospital the standard answer to everything was 'would you like a Xanax?' and they were all surprised I turned it down. I just wanted to deal with it as it was - if I was sad and scared then I was going to be sad and scared.

If I can't get off dialysis in 6 months I go on the national transplant list which has a 3-5 year wait. Whee.

It's not just my body that's changed, I think my whole persona is different now. I almost died. I lost a week of my life I've been told I don't want to remember. Had my mother not been home I would have died right there on the floor in the den. I can't do the things I love to do, I can't eat the foods I love to eat.

But it could be worse. I saw a lot of worse in the hospital.

It's just hard not to let the depressed and the fear win. I'm tough though, I'm doing it.

It sucks.

1. I know first hand how these kinds of things suck, not that I’ve had dialysis, but Chemotherapy was a bitch, all kinds of unpronouncable checmicles pumped into your veins that feels much like drain cleaner, and probably is.  The unfortunate part of recovery is pain.  Doctors bullshit you and call it “discomfort” but its pain.  The end result is the same though, recovery and good health, hang in there kittyn, friends are with you.

    on  05/15  at  07:51 AM

2. Hang in there, kitteh.
   This is not just a “hang in there” cliché, and i want you to know that.
   No, i don’t have 50 stitches, but i do know hospital food and 3 injections per week.
   I know what’s it like to only eat crap nowadays. And i know caths, albeit small.
   And i was probably the only one to think my 4 MRIs were actually cool, because i managed to sleep inside the tube.

   Anyway, i digress.
   Bottom line is:
   You’re strong. I know you are.

   You might not feel that strong right now, but keep this in mind: it’s still you.
   So, fight it. Win it.
   You can do it.

   \\Pedro

   PmB  on  05/15  at  08:38 AM

3. I’ve done my share of hospital time and got my share of scars, but I’m not going to tread softly around you here because you deserve better than that. You’ve got a rough deal there. A damn rough deal. My only advice, if you think I am at all entitled to give any, would be to remember that your body is just a vehicle for your life, not a container for it - just because it can’t always carry you, doesn’t mean your bound to be trapped in it.

   Oh, and IF you can take it with your issues/meds, I’d recommend this: http://www.herbalremedies.com/mood-lifter.html

   Best wishes as always!

   Seraphim  on  05/16  at  05:16 PM

4. I wish I had something intelligent and wonderful to say, but since I don’t, I’m going to offer hugs as they can sometimes be the best medicine.

   (((HUGS)))

   Andrea  on  05/16  at  07:12 PM

5. You’re a strong woman and I tip my hat to you

   Hang tough girl, things will even out eventually.

   Bug  on  05/17  at  12:28 AM

6. That is rough. I wish I could offer some profound words, but I can’t. I can only say that I sincerely wish for your speediest recovery. I know we all do. You are so brave.

   Binary Blonde  on  05/18  at  12:24 AM

7. Whenever there have been tough times,
   and Lady there’s been enough,
   I try to think of only good
   that’s helped me through the tough.

   But sometimes it’s so hard to see
   through all the immediate pain
   I turn my head from left to right
   But the tears, they flow again.

   I remember what it was like to laugh
   to take joy in a simple breath,
   but Lady it’s hard to remember it all
   when all my freedom’s bereft.

   Turn my heart and turn my thoughts
   to where my strength is inside,
   color my dreams and actions,
   please make me feel alive.

   My life has changed so much just now
   with everything going to waste
   Everything I’d hope for
   I feel I’ll never have a taste.

   I mourn for the peace of mind
   that once I took for granted
   But Lady please, hear my pleas
   My faith I haven’t recanted.

   I want to be whole again.
   I plead in supplication.
   My lady understand this,
   I exalt my adoration.

   For every moment I endure this pain
   For all the anguish I suffer
   All I ask is for thicker skin
   And a heart that strengthens tougher.

   Heather
   I love you so much and miss being able to talk to you. I know you’re going through so much right now and you may feel alone. I assure you that is not the case. Your heart always has a home in mine. Email me your phone number when you want to chat. I promise I’ll call as soon as possible. I miss you terribly.
   With all my love,
   Mare

   Mare Martell Stotler  on  05/18  at  10:29 PM
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