Monday, May 07, 2007

Fifteen and Three

Sounds like a football play to me.

It's a sort of special day for me, happy anniversary more or less.

Fifteen months ago today Claudie died.

Three months ago today I smoked my last cigarette with the help of the patch and a promise to my dead cat and familiar, Claude.

I made it through ten weeks on the patch without breaking once.

I had some trying times, times I would have mentally eased with cigarettes but I didn't break.

It became harder once the patch came off. The fear of having a heart attack on the spot from mixing a cig with the patch was gone and the transdermal nicotine stream was gone as well. I can honestly say I wanted a cigarette damn near 24/7 once the patch came off. But I didn't break.

I did, however, wonder. So many first time quitters don't make it. If it was that easy to do there would be a lot less respiratory disease in the world. I wondered if I would cave the first time something really bad or sad happened and it hung over me. I was proud I had lasted as long as I had but I wasn't sure it was complete, ya know? Final and for real.

Saturday was a blech sort of day. Only slept 3 hours, domestic arguments up here and a crappy day. I figured it was as good a time as any to see if I was for real or not.

I still had the same pack I had when I quit so I decided to see for myself. If I was going to fail and need to do it all over again I figured I'd be best off knowing. So I went and got the pack. I opened it and took one of the Parliament 100's out. I lit it and took a very small drag. A second very small drag. A third very small drag.

And that was the end of that. My chest burned like I had swallowed a book of lit matches. My head swam and I was dizzy like a mofo. That bad dizzy, the 'oh crap I drank all night and now the room is spinning and I'm going to puke' dizzy. Then the nausea hit and I dry-heaved three time. Stub stub, out it went. I sat there gasping for breath and waiting for my head to stop for about 10 minutes.

It was the most disgusting, awful, horrible feeling and I will never do that again.

As soon as I stopped dry-heaving I took the other 19 cigs and ripped them up and threw them out. I took the one I puffed on and ripped it up and threw it out. Then I went and drank 64 ounces of water.

It would seem I am one of those fortunate creatures who will be a first attempt success story. Three tiny drags and I thought I was dying. I will never again wonder, I am a non-smoker of cigarettes. The want that was in my head (that it would seem I put in my head) is gone. I know clearly and positively that I do not want to smoke. That nothing is going to make me want to feel like that and smoke. I'm glad I tested the waters, I'm glad I got rid of the doubt.

I am officially and truly a former smoker.

Thank you, Nicoderm CQ. Thank you, Claudie.

Thanks also to the many of you who shared your quitting stories with me and were here to cheer me through it, none moreso than Mike. It really did help to have your words to fall back on when it got rough.

Goodbye, cigarettes. I won.

1. Congrats, WebKittyn!  Keep up the good work!

   TrekMedic251  on  05/07  at  07:03 PM

2. I never doubted that it would be so. Good job, hon - I’m so very proud of and happy for you!!

    on  05/07  at  07:24 PM

3. rock on kittyn

    on  05/07  at  09:03 PM

4. Congrats Kittyn, I knew you could do it. Sorry I haven’t been around too much lately, lots-O-life things going on. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your friendship.

   Mike

   mr. althouse  on  05/08  at  03:10 AM

5. Welcome to the ranks of the definite non smokers.

   And congratulations on the playful primate ranking!

    on  05/08  at  06:30 PM

6. agree!!!

   susanDD  on  05/10  at  06:23 PM

7. Came by via the TLB ecosystem. Congrats on becoming a non-smoker!

   Elle  on  05/12  at  01:11 PM

8. PS Do you still have the linky love exchange? I’ve just found the posting to it but nowhere to leave a comment. I’m not usually a link whore but everyone likes a bit of linky-love

   Elle  on  05/12  at  01:15 PM
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