WebKittyn Warbles
Friday, December 14, 2007
I Really Need Something Good
It's late now, I'm sitting here quietly trying not to let my head mess with me (my mother still refuses to sleep in the bedroom so hysterics are out while she's sleeping on the recliner 10 feet away).
Slept for an hour, got up and we left early for the hospital. On top of it all the weather people were all predicting Armageddon so we were out of the house before 9. Sat with him until they took him up around 10:30, surgery at 11. ICU waiting rooms are very depressing places even if it is a pretty hospital.
One of the doctors I had spoken to earlier in the week who explained the difference between tracheostomy and the dude on tv with the voicebox) had told me he would be able to talk with the trach. They tell us after they took him up that he will not be able to talk at all as long as the trach is in.
Can you say absolutely and totally crushing?
The surgeon came in around 12:30 and said the tracheostomy went fine but they were unable to get the PEG in which means he will have to have a second surgery and more dangerous anesthesia. It didn't dawn on me until later to demand answers as to why they didn't coordinate both at once.
The ventilator was at 100%, his level 92. His mouth was all purple and cracked and swelled out. He didn't look like my dad. They put compression boots around his legs. I went to hold his hand and it was cold.
I am really proud of myself, I didn't break down in the room. My mother was crying, I held my own for her.
We left around 3:30, I wanted to stay but the snow was really coming down. Came home to digest all of it.
When I called in tonight at 10 to check they had the ventilator down to 80% and his level was at 92. This means his body didn't reject the trach and all is well with that. It's a tiny bit of good news and I'm happy for it with all the bad of today.
They said he'll be able to mouthe words, unfortunately I'm not a mind reader. That is if he's okay enough to take out of sedation.
His arms are still restrained, I sit there and look at that and it's like it's not my dad there.
As usual, no one knows anything and all we can do is see how he is tomorrow. My poor mother has to get up and go to work until 2 so I won't get to see him until 3 or so. I want to be there earlier, I want to be there if they let him up for a bit and he's aware. I have no clue if he knows I've been there or not and that's rough.
He loves wolves, always has. Last year I made him a wolf picture, one of those things you follow the lines and scratch the black off with a tool and there's silver foil under it. I have no artistic skill, he caught me working on it and we both laughed at how we thought it would come out. It came out gorgeous. Tomorrow I'm going to bring it to the hospital and leave it on the table.
I was cleaning a bit in here before and I found a picture of him in a Santa suit for my cousin Bonnie's kids, had to be 15 years ago. I cried like a baby.
I know it's just a matter of time before I really lose it. I dread Christmas eve and day. All I want is for my dad to get better.
Welcome to the 10th circle of Hell.
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I am so sorry to hear what a terrible and hard holiday season your family is having. I hope that things drastically improve. I’ll keep your family in my prayers (yes i pray :>)
mike tyner and familyfarg on 12/14 at 03:30 PM -
Hlyn, just have a pen and paper ready or be ready to mime. If you practise you do get better at lipreading. It’s not as hard as it looks.
Wishing you warm juju.
Bobby on 12/14 at 04:14 PM -
My friend,
Take deep breaths. I wish I could hug you and make it all okay. I wish I could say something profound that would change what you’re dealing with. But I’m a simple woman with a loving heart that is hurting because you are hurting. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Comfort is but a call away if you need it. Just ask and I’ll give you anything you need that I can provide.
With deep love and affection,
MareMare on 12/15 at 01:28 PM -
I’m so sorry to hear about your father’s illness. In a way, however, I am glad I found you. I am currently working through a major bout of depression regarding my mother’s Alzheimer’s, my brother’s terminal MS, my jackass brother-in-law’s unwanted sexual advance which caused a massive rift between me and my sister and the sexual longs of my punk of a priest.
Things are sort of shitty right now and that is all I have been writing about. It is sort of a relief to run into someone else who is struggling.
Good luck with all of this grief. And I noticed you did not put comments on for the post above about people who say God only gives us what we can handle.
I have a huge issue with that right now. I cannot carry this load and I find it very frustrating to hear people say that to me. Just as you did. God works in mysterious ways and sometimes it feels like he leaves you high and dry.
That’s a statement that works for me.
Again, good luck.
cardiogirl on 12/27 at 06:37 PM -
My friend,
I am still here. I know you are aware of the amount of people who are out here rooting for your dad. You have always helped me through rough times. You’ve always told me to just keep breathing. If that’s the only thing you’ve done in a day, breathing is a good thing. Reading what you’re facing, that has so much more value. I can’t express enough how much you are loved right now.I live with my dad. I am 40 years old and living under my dad’s roof. My dad is a pain in the proverbial ass. He smokes, though he shouldn’t. He drinks like a fish. He cusses and gets offended when I do. He makes unbearable demands of my time, money, and resources. But again, as I read of your difficulties with your dad and the things you are all dealing with there, I am grateful for what I have. I dread the day when you will be returning the same words to me.
I am grateful for your help. I am grateful for your friendship. I am still praying for your every small miracle.
With love and blessings,
MareMare Martell Stotler on 12/27 at 11:57 PM
<-- Steal me!
