Friday, September 23, 2011

I Want to Know You - Putting Myself Out There (or - Words of a Desperate Friendless Sot)

(disclaimer as suggested by the lovely and talented Deb: although this post may very well make me appear to be a desperate and friendless sot, I'm really not. I've never been desperate, I do have friends and okay, maybe a sot... I write this shit because it makes sense to me but sometimes it's hard to put it into words so yes, I am aware I look like a desperate friendless sot, thank you. I have no filter when it comes to discussing myself and this is where I do it because hey, it IS called the 'warbles' for a reason!)

Sometimes it really is strange what triggers things in the mind. One small thing triggers something else and the next thing you know you're in the middle of some great epiphany about yourself or your life. It's kind of crazy but also kind of wonderful.

I had one of these moments this morning around 6ish. Stemmed from an out of nowhere text that came in around 4 from a friend whose opinion matters a bit more than most. We chatted back and forth on text for over an hour and by the time it was done I was feeling all these strange things and I knew I had to get them written down.

The main thing this friend did that I didn't even know I needed doing was to build me up. Not fluff or BS, this isn't a BS person and not meaningless tripe or flowery compliments. Building up where it matters the most, the self. I often forget that I'm a pretty interesting person with a wicked sense of humour, a well-functioning brain and a crazy sudden zest for life. He reminded me, without saying it, that there really are people around who find me interesting and valuable and even memorable.

I wasn't even feeling insecure, it's been a good month so far but it was like this wave of positive affirmation and it put me on a high and now it's Autumn and it's time to start doing things. That's where the title comes from.

I've spent a long time alienating people and/or not taking the time to get to know people or re-connect with people I've known forever. This is entirely on me and I accept it but it's time to start shifting the tides.

I want to know people, I really do. It sounds silly but to those of you I've blown off or not given a chance or just never took the effort to get to know I'm sorry, I want to know you. Everyone has something magical in them and I'm missing out on the magic of others and it's time to stop that.

Doesn't matter where the people are from. Whether it's the one bar in Red Hook that has bands, karaoke and action or people from the MUDs or Facebook or my past, it doesn't matter. It's time to put myself out there and find the magic in people and hope that they can see mine.

I'm not looking for dates or love or sex, that's not the kind of putting myself out there I mean. Not that I'm opposed to any of the above but you don't jump from self-imposed isolation into any of those without the in-between.

I want to surround myself with people who want to know me. I want to surround myself with people who think I'm interesting and want to know me beyond the basic crap everyone sees. I want to surround myself with interesting and unique and fun people from all over and get to know them. I want to surround myself with people who think differently than I, people I can learn from and discover new things to delve into from.

I want to hook up with the friends I've had forever that I've found again thanks to Facebook. When you take a look at a friend list and realise 'holy crap, I know most of these people offline' it's pretty trippy. Seeing them happy and still hanging out together and still the same amazing people they always were is awesome. Seeing them happy to hear from me again after all the time passed is also awesome. I can't be that much of a shithead if people from 20+ years ago have fond and frequent memories that I'm a part of.

I want to find some new friends. Locals to hang out with up here as long as I'm here and some of you amazing souls on Facebook that somehow I started talking to. I read your walls. I'm not a stalker but I'm interested enough to check status updates to see what people are up to and to those of you who have said 'hey, can I give you call?' and I came up with some lame excuse, the phone lines are now open.

I don't want to know your life story and don't expect mine too quickly. I'm not looking for stalkers and I'm not going stalking (unless we're talking Richard Hammond), I've always been a huge fan of the mystery of getting to know a person slowly. I don't want to see your comments on your friends posts, I don't want to know every detail of your mind, I don't wan to know how large your penis is.

I'm just opening doors I had previously shut. Between three years of dealing with death, disease and as much recovery as I'm going to get it messed with my head and I didn't think people needed to be around that so I shut myself off from the world for the most part. My friends get it, they don't hold it against me.

I had to get past a lot of shit and get back to being comfortable with who I am. I've got scars in places scars don't belong that for the longest time - in my eyes - jumped out and instantly marred any physical impression I might make and one thing I always was was vain about how I looked. Not full of myself but I liked looking a certain way and all I could see were those two damn scars. People ask for current pictures and that's perfectly normal but I had/have shit to get past. I can see it for silly now. Everyone has a scar or two somewhere, I've just got a few more than most and two are in bad places for me. I've never been conceited but I've always been confident but I lost that confidence for three years and it's only now starting to come back. I'm still not fully there yet but I'm getting there and I'm doing it on my time and it's working as evidenced by the amount of time I've spent out being social these past mornings.

I'm not looking for people to hang out with tomorrow or next week or maybe even not next month. I don't know, I have no plans besides those for the holidays and that's too far off to start talking about now. Some of the people I want to really talk to again are out of state or country so it's not all about people to hang out with.

It's about people in general and laying foundations. I'm offering myself up out there (in a purely pure way) for the getting to know. For the learning and the discovery of the magic inside people. For the people who may want to get to know me.

My friend said last night they envy my freedom and it made me think. I may have broken kidneys and I may throw up like a fountain but I do have that element of freedom a lot of people would like to have and I need to not take that for granted anymore. If I want to just get up and go, I can. I'm pretty poor but I'm holding my own and I can manage what I want or need. I feel pretty good. I've got this amazing gift of time and freedom and I need to stop wasting it.

I'm not just looking for online friends although I think that's a grand place to start a friendship. I'm not looking for stalkers, fans or groupies and I'm not looking to be anyone's stalker, fan or groupie (except you, Jeckles).

I guess I'm looking to take my life and my entire way of living in a whole new direction and it would be nice not to go there alone but I'm okay with that if it ends up that way even though I'm pretty sure it won't. I've spent years keeping people at arm's length away though and now I have to undo all of that and in the process pick up some new merry pranksters.

I'm not getting any younger and let's be honest - my kidneys could go at any time and change everything and I've finally gotten that through my thick head. I've got the means and opportunity to go a little hog wild for the next year or so so why the hell not go for it for myself and my friend last night who envied my freedom and for everyone who feels trapped in their current lives.

Now there's always that possibility no one is going to read this or respond to this or find me someone they want to get to know or hang out with but I'm willing to take that chance, it's part of putting myself out there. If not I can always go join the Monks on Mt. Tremper and live a life of solitude and monkitude.

I've finally come to that happy and internally content place. Sure there's always room for improvement and now that I've fixed the inside the outside needs some serious work before I go out and conquer the world but there's that happy medium where foundations can be laid and potential new partners in crime can be found.

It's time to start answering the phone and reaching out. It's time to stop pulling inwards and it's time to let the people that actually want to get to know me inside the gates. It's time to stop thinking people are doing me a favour talking to me and undercutting my own value (and no, I mean no one in specific so no paranoia allowed). It's time to find out what life as a moderately intelligent cougar with nice eyes is like. It's time to open my eyes to the things that are good about me while continuing to fix the rest. It's time to just fucken LIVE.

It's Autumn, I'm alive, I'm beating kidney failure, I'm feeling good inside and this is exactly what I had been hoping for all Summer. It's also been a pretty damn good month and I'm determined to keep that momentum going.

Hi, I'm Heather and I've just put myself out there. Completely vulnerable! Want to be my friend? I promise it will be strange but hardly boring.

1. Well that was quite a warble!! I find myself in the opposite situation...I want to sit in my cute little house and hide from the world outside. I’m scared, I don’t trust anymore, and it feels like it’s just not worth the effort anymore. I kinda hope this changes, it’s not my usual state at all, but for now, it’s where I’m at. Glad you are coming out the other end of it, gives me hope. Love and miss you, wish I could be one of the ones you get to hang out with.

    on  09/23  at  06:49 AM

2. Marj,

   I wish you were here to hang out with too, you are definitely one of the tried and true and trusted friends from out of state I was talking about.  I want to stop take some time and come listen to your online karaoke thing because it’s something you enjoy and I’d love to talk and catch up.

   I know the place you’re in now, I know it well.  I know it will change for you though, your spirit isn’t like that and never has been.  I’m not going to say anything preachy, just know I’m rooting for you from my corner here and tell you there is definitely a way out.

   Thanks for reading that whole thing, I know it was long.  I tend to go on and on once I get started…

   WebKittyn  on  09/23  at  01:43 PM

3. Well Kittyn… it’s like this. We all go through this phase. I did it too. Through 2002-2007 I stayed indoors. You remember… I didn’t go out. I felt down on myself. I did that stupid movie and regretted it because I felt I wasn’t ready. I didn’t WANT to go out. I hid online… I made friends online. I lived a vicarious virtual life and never really intended on meeting ANY of them. Then like a caterpillar I changed, molted and became a butterfly. I re-invented myself. Now it’s your turn. There’s no reason you should be in a cocoon. You ARE a vivacious person with an awesome magnetic personality that people have always wanted to know and still do. Even when you were younger and bigger back in the 80’s you were unstoppable. No one could have been more together or loved themselves more no matter what they looked like. You walked like a 10 foot tall supermodel and took no shit.

   The world NEEDS that Kittyn back. It’s time. Only YOU had been holding yourself back from something you were a natural at. All our friends always ask “where is she? Why won’t she come out?” Y’know...there never really was a reason why you needed to stay in…

   “Come out...come out...wherever you are!”

   Darkstar  on  09/24  at  02:47 AM

4. Okay, that actually made me cry a bit.  You’re the one person who has seen the scars from their worst to where they are now.  The Hellraiser one on my neck that bled like I had been slashed with a machete and the one on my chest from the catheter. 

   I never thought of myself the way you described me, it couldn’t come from a more ‘right’ person for it to mean everything to me.  You’re right.  I remember many nights telling you to go out, there was no reason not to..

   Thank you, my best friend.  Wherever this journey takes me you’re coming with me.

   Love ya, guy.  Thank you for never giving up on me.

   WebKittyn  on  09/24  at  03:09 AM

5. Wish we lived closer, I’d love to hang out sometime.

   *HUGS*

   Nicki  on  09/27  at  12:05 PM

6. Hey you… I used to read your blog a long time ago. We’re talking 4-5 years, I guess. Maybe more? Who knows, with the way time goes. I read faithfully, though I guess somewhat quietly, up until you got sick. Then I lost my internet for a little while and you know… life happened. Now I’m settled, recently moved to the scary US of A, and reaching back out into ‘life’… starting with the digital kind. It was strange for me to read this… to see how much you have changed; how much you have not. Either way, that was a lot of waffle just for me to wish you good luck with your quest. You always seemed to me like a person I would group into the ‘good’ category… people are far too grey to be black and white but I got a good vibe from you. I’m sure others do, and will, if you seek to meet new people. This is a good thing.

   So… anyway.... just....Luck ‘n’ stuffs

    on  03/03  at  11:48 AM

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