WebKittyn Warbles
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Ice Cream
All through my pregnancy, I sang to my daughter - a little U2, a little Hawksley Workman, a little Leonard Cohen, Tragically Hip, Holly Cole - a little bit of a lot of stuff. But I sang a lot of Sarah McLachlan's Ice Cream.
is better than ice cream.
Better than anything else that I've tried
…
Your love
is better than chocolate
better than anything else that I've tried
At the time, it was cute: I was pregnant and I ate a lot of ice cream and no small amount of chocolate. But I can now confess that there was a little more to it than that for me. I didn't know my daughter yet, but I wanted desperately to know that I would love her that much - better than anything else. And I really didn't know if I would. How could I? Better than anything else? That was asking a lot and my hormone ridden self became convinced that I wasn’t up to it.
I was convinced that I wasn’t up to a lot of things, at the time, even though I knew that I’d get through most, if not all, of them. Because you just do. But there’s a big difference between getting through sketchy sleep patterns and being able to love someone you’ve never met better than anything else.
And I can now confess something else. I wasn’t able to love someone that I’ve never met.
It took me a while. I had a caesarian surgery to recover from. I had a few weepy weeks to get through. I had a few more weeks of visiting family to host. And during that time, I cared for my new little girl and cuddled her, and changed her, and fed her, and took her for walks and hovered over her as she was passed ceremoniously around – “presented” to the grandparents, as my father is inclined to archaically intone. There was much presentation and not much alone time. And all that time, Ice Cream was a staple in her lullaby repertoire – a constant hopeful, quiet request for connection.
Of course, I also worried about sleep, about feedings, about her health, about my health. I was (am) a new, first time mom. I worried about everything. But those were things, on some level, that I could have no control over. Something else could be involved in a perceived failure in any of those areas. Had I failed to love her, well, there was no one else to blame for that but me. Only after I could see without random tears streaking my vision and only after all the relatives had made their obligatory pilgrimages - nearly two months after her birth - did I get to actually spend real, eyes-locking, heart aching, time-stopping time with my daughter. I had worried for nothing, and yet those months leading up to actually falling in love with her were scarier than any other part of parenthood that has been thrown at us so far.
And I did realize that, even a few fragile months into this mother/daughter thing, it was really a long way down to the place where we started from.
Jenn is a first time mom to an 9 month old baby girl and blogs about baby, motherhood, in-laws and other crazy people, and the venerable Mr.Q at Quarter Rest - which is where WebKittyn is guest author today, as part of The Blog Exchange. Be sure to stop by and read WebKittyn’s post!
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That’ll teach me to start reading before the images finish popping up - I do believe I had a heart attack there.
What a beautiful post by Jennifer ... though I admit, having a 7 month old probably makes ti more so to me than most, heh.
on 02/28 at 09:19 AM -
Finally, a song I recognize! I enjoyed your piece. I have a six montho old so I empathize. I’ll be singing that tune all day.
nutmeg on 03/01 at 10:08 AM -
What a beuatiful post. And I struggeled with the same thing. I didn’t have that moment when my son was born where I eyes met and I feel in love. I wanted to, I expected to, but it didn’t happen. It took a few days.
But that’s okay, and I applaud you for teling the truth. I wish more people did. You feel guilty for not loving them the minute they arrive. But you have to get to know them first.
Jodi on 03/01 at 11:37 AM -
Very well done. Motherhood does funny things to you, doesn’t. I like how you broke the song down the way you did. Beautiful!
Laura Lohr on 03/01 at 02:27 PM -
I love that Sarah McLachlan song, but you have connected it to new mamahood in a way I hadn’t thought of. Thanks!
Damselfly on 03/01 at 02:45 PM -
You know that’s one of the few Sarah songs I’m not familar with. I’m going to have to hunt it down.
Andrea on 03/04 at 09:50 PM -
Hey WK, I just wanted to thank you for that awesome comment you left on my blog. It’s great to hear stuff like that after you’ve posted something so open. I’ll e-mail you in a bit, I think the experience I went through could do a lot for you, seriously
Riss on 03/07 at 06:03 PM
<-- Steal me!
