Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Oh, for the Love of Fuck

Ovaries.

Who the HELL came up with the idea of ovaries and why did women have to get them? I never asked to be born with these things that were going to be so evil later on in life.

Warning! All you ovary-fearing men can skip this one or go fuck off or something.

One of the blessings I inherited from my mother besides her bumpy nose was the ovarian curse. Yay. Women in this family don't have a period, they have a fucking event. I used to use all my sick days for ovary days, the first day is always one chock full of puking and crippling pain and more puking followed by moments of mania.

My monthly ovarian assaults are like clockwork. It's one way I monitor making sure I'm fairly healthy without going to the doctor, the clockwork precision that is my ovarian assault. Except when I get really stressed about something, that can send it either early or late and double the pain.

Last month it was 10 days late. No chance of pregnancy short of alien insemination (Ahri?), I was stressing. So instead of being ambushed on January 26, the buggers held off as long as possible and let me get bloated like a friggin' balloon until February 5. Even Gotard felt for me, I saw pity in his eyes as he watched me writhe in pain and curse the Gods. February 12 the ovaries crawl back into their cursed ovary bunkers and life went on.

I thought I was safe. I thought because it was so late I'd get the next assault on March 5. Noooooooo. Nope. Not in this body. The ovaries are never ever EVER going to let me win and I best not forget it.

Do the math. February 12 was a mere 17 days ago. Sevenfuckenteen days ago. What the HELL are the damn ovaries doing awake and in full assault mode 17 days later? On a Wednesday no less when I have a show to do and no one wants to hear about my fucken ovaries for 2 and a half hours. Not to mention there isn't a fucken Pamprin to be found in this house.

Pain. There is much pain. Between Claude and my dad and the approaching birthday I fear this is going to be the ovarian assault to end all ovarian assaults. 17 days?!?!?!

The worst thing men have to deal with is sweaty balls in the Summer, it's a gross unfairness.

Ovaries are internal agents of Satan.

1. Ugh. Ovaries ARE the devil, you have my deepest sympathies.

    on  03/01  at  05:28 PM

2. Fucken ovaries. If I could, I’d have mine removed. But apprently I’m not allowed to do that. Bah! I am in the same boat of puking my guts up and crippling pain. However, that generally only happens once every other month. Why? Fuck if I know… maybe only one ovary hates me.

   Utopia  on  03/01  at  06:00 PM

3. Oh no!  Angry ovaries suck.  *hugs*

   You know, back when I had both my ovaries I used to have agony like what you’re describing, but every since one was removed I’ve had more “normal” cramps.

   YummY!  on  03/01  at  11:03 PM

4. Oh sweetie I feel for you I get BAD migraines that last 3 days but luckly, my curse only lasts 3 days.
   I don’t get it,if I can’t have any more kids then why do I have to put up with this crap every month. Men suck!

    on  03/01  at  11:40 PM

5. I really sympathise with you, WK.  I get really bad sucky cramps, nausea, headaches, faintness (You name it, my ovaries are on the mailing list.) sometimes, because one of my ovaries is damaged but I declined to have it removed.... yeah, more fool me. Ouch.

   Seraphim  on  03/03  at  11:37 AM
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