WebKittyn Warbles

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

On Fallen Immortals and Truckstops and Mea Culpas

This has been on my mind a while, I need to get it out of me. It's been festering and poking at my conscience and my spirit for a while and I need to purge it from me.

This is not an attempt at reconciliation. I get that sometimes friendships end and it's just that - the end. I remember the good and the bad of 10 years and while I can be sad that the friendship is no more, I accept that that was mostly my doing so I can't feel bad about it now. Were this an attempt at reconciliation I'd be using email or naming names. It's not. I don 't expect either of the people this is directed at to even read this entry and that's fine. I'm writing this for me because when I do something I don't like I need to own it and woman up.

A few weeks ago I did and said some shit that is totally not me and I feel like an ass for it. I stuck my nose in where it had no place going, I got catty and petty and said some really nasty shit about someone I don't even know and I made a mockery of someone I once called a friend.

That's not me. That's not who I've become. It's shades of who I used to be, change is neverending I suppose. It's been bothering me that I sunk to a level I normally would never hit and I lashed out at a stranger and went overboard in what I said to the former friend. I don't like the person that did that, I thought she was long gone.

To him I would say I'm sorry for sticking my nose in where it had no place going. I'm sorry I took a video link that was shared with me and passed it on. I'm sorry for the overflow of nasty shit that spewed forth. I'm sorry for how things ended with the friendship. My head was in a bad place for a long long time after my father's death, I've only recently come out of it. I didn't realise how deep in grief I was and I ended up resenting anyone who tried to offer kindness or support or who I felt was applying even the slightest bit of pressure. I'm sorry for that but that's the past and not that point of this. I'm sorry for the things I said about your friend, I had no right or place to say any of it. It was pure catty baby shit and it disgusts me now that I went there but I did and I accept it and say I am deeply sorry for attacking you and your friend. I'd love nothing more than to see you actually win one and get the girl and I hope things work for you. What you did took balls and you didn't need an asshole like me to come along and mock it, that was not one of my finer moments and I'm genuinely sorry.

To her I would say I'm truly sorry for being everything I hate in a woman. Catty and petty has never been my thing. Maybe it was the toxins, maybe it was just one of those days where I was in full asshole mode but I should never have said shit about you. You are a beautiful, bubbly, vivacious woman and it's obvious many people care about you and think the world of you. I also apologise to you for sticking my nose in where it had no right to be as we are total strangers and you in NO way deserved any of that crap from me. I don't like being one of those people and I'm sorry any of it made its way back to you. Our paths will never cross but that in no way gives me the right to pass judgment or make stupid comments or act like a 12 year old, all of which I am guilty of. Keep letting that star shine, you've got a spark to you.

I'm not perfect. I try to be a good person and I've changed so much since the kidneys went but every once in a while I fuck up and I'll probably fuck up again and again and again (in general, not with these people). What's important to me is to realise, own up, accept and come clean with it and acknowledge that yes, I fucked up. Yes, I acted like some gossipy 16 year old or one of the Real Housewives and it sickens me. I know it won't happen again, I don't like the sick feeling it left in my mouth or my spirit.

I make a lot of mistakes. I'm still adjusting to and trying to figure out this new life and its limitations and sometimes I let the frustration and hopelessness that sneak in get the best of me and I lash out at others. This time it was a former friend and a stranger and it was a shitty thing to do on my part. Really low end crap. I'm sorry. No one is here on this planet to be my scapegoat and I have no right to do that shit or nose into anyone else's business.

All of that needed saying. So it never ever happens again. So the people I care about in my day to day life know that is not the person I strive every day to be but sometimes I lose the fight. So I can get the poison from acting like a shithead out of my system. So I can be real to myself and admit when I did something really wrong.

Mea culpa. Lesson learned.

(even writing this made me feel better, get this stuff out of you when it's there, it's poison).

Warbled by WebKittyn at 10:12 am in

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