WebKittyn Warbles

Friday, November 04, 2005

One Returns, Three Go for Good

Like I said, October was a peculiar month.

One person I thought was gone forever resurfaced. He knows who he is. Yes, I do mean you.

Two I thought would be around forever are gone.

One who wanted too much is no more.

I'm left feeling detached and guarded. Not sad, not bummed or anything but I can't help but wonder.

(more inside, my attempt to not flood the cover page continues) I've always been one of those people with no shortage of people in their life. More beer buddies and casual friends than I know what to do with and a small circle of time-weathered close friends in the inner circle. This works for me, I'm the people reader and observer. I remember countless nights in Pat's (the dive bar I haunted for 10 years) where I would sit my ass down in the far seat at the end of the bar in the dark corner so I could watch people. Not being anti-social, I moved around a lot and would talk with whomever came up to the bar or plopped their ass down next to me but I liked not being attached to any group or person.

I don't let people in easily. How cliche that sounds, how many people say the same thing. It's true though, even in my circle of Immortals it's less about them knowing me than it is me knowing them. Whenever there's a shakedown in the Inner Circle it sends me reeling.

October was a strange month.

The One Who Came Back

The other day I was cleaning under the desk, finally braving the groaning pile of crap that was living under the desk. I found the missing letter from someone who managed to do the unusual and actually hurt me. Of course finding one letter led immediately to my reading all of them and a flood of emotion. He let me be the 'one who got away' and that saddened me. The separation came suddenly and completely and it was deeply felt.

That same night he reappeared in my world, the first time in months. I sat back and said 'wow,' it was just weird after finding the letter. I'm neither stupid or insecure, I don't think it was the atmosphere of Kjeldoran that led him back, I'd much rather think he missed me, that something of me lingered in his mind and heart the past few months.

It's been cautious, he plays the mouth well but he's actually quite shy. I see him an instant messenger and I think I know him well enough to know he'd like to talk to me but probably doesn't know how to break the ice or answer the questions he knows would be forthcoming.

I respect this, for the moment it's enough to know I was missed enough to bring him back. One of these nights out of a clear indigo sky he'll say hey and hopefully there will be honest emotion-based conversation. Or the phone will ring.

Was I really that easy to let go of? Ouch. The nasty little imp on my shoulder shouts "Yes, you arrogant bitch, you are that easy to let go of." The kittyn imp on the other shoulder shoots spitballs at the nasty one and tells me different. In the meantime, I just smile every time I see him and try to get the vibe across that while there remains sting and questions, the anger has left. No one wants to be that easy to let go of, I still tear up when I allow myself to think of him.

The Two Who Were Removed

This was a kick in the nutsack. So what if I have no nutsack, it sounds good to say and if I were a man it would definitely qualify as a kick in the nutsack.

Unfortunately for me, one of the two has got to be permanent. I've lived it twice before already with him and there can't be a third time where selfishness causes a complete and total disregard for others. I am far from anyone's prize but one thing I'm good at is being a loyal friend and I've been this to him. A loyal friend is a gift and deserves more than to be abandoned in a fit of selfish anxiety. It took this last time to understand that to him, the friendship I (and the rest of them) offered was disposable.

I'll miss him, five years is a long time and he made an imprint on my soul but it's just not right and there can't be a third time.

The second one also makes me sigh. Watching a person change from a conscientious and caring individual into a booze-swigging, ebonics-spouting liar is rough and ugly. I hope it's just a phase, I hope before the potential becomes wasted he snaps to reality.

These two were constants for a long time, it'll take some adjusting. A lot of adjusting.

The One Who Wanted Too Much

The worst thing anyone can do is go into a friendship or anything else thinking "well, I don't really like that does/is but I can change it/them." It's not true, it doesn't happen. I am the person I am, the person I have been and continue to be. There was one who wanted and even demanded I be something I'm not. What bothered me the most about it was the fact that he knew exactly what I am, he's known me a while and been around me enough to know what I am.

Acceptance is a wonderful thing. To truly care about a person is when you can take the things about them that drive you crazy and accept them rather than try to change them. Ignoring what you already knew and insisting on change is an unrealistic goal.

I wish him love and luck and happiness in his life but I kind of like me and I don't want to change those things. I'm not arrogant, I know I'm completely fucked in the head but I like my fucked in the head. I can bend but I won't re-mold.

Everyone Else

I just feel detached. Not particularly close to anyone at the moment, alone in the crowd. Not sad or depressed or lonely but definitely alone and definitely detached. I'm not even sure it's a bad thing, for the first time in a long time I have no emotional obligations to anyone.

Just ..... detached.

October was a strange month.

Warbled by WebKittyn at 10:18 am in

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