Monday, June 27, 2011

PEE IN ME!

Such a nasty title, I'm sorry if you're here under false pretenses but I had to do it!!

I've got a big set of bloodwork on Friday, real important. I haven't had tests like this run on me in three years since they took me off the filtering process that is hell dialysis. I'm a little nervous but that's to be expected, I won't find out the results of the tests until July 18th so the waiting is going to suck but I'm pretty sure the results won't be bad. I mean, I have end stage kidney failure so they're going to suck no matter what but I don't think they'll be any worse. I feel better than I have in three years so I have to assume the for the moment, my kidneys are at peace with me.

The most important part of these tests is the GFR (glomerular filtration rate). This is the numeric determination of how much kidney function you have. The be-all and end-all of tests, you can't argue a GFR test. It's a mix of assorted blood levels, urine levels, age, race, gender, etc.

For the curious, it's laid out really well right here.

Last time I took the test I was determined to be at 20% kidney function. That's the bottom of stage 4 kidney disease, 15% starts stage 5 which is the critical permanent dialysis until you get a transplant stage. I was damn close but not that bad. Below 10% and you're pretty much either living on dialysis or dead.

Back in January they did a half-assed GFR test without all the components and determined I was at 19%. This worked for me, a 1% loss in three years means I'm doing something right (it's the weed, I tell you it's the medical marijuana) but without the urine it's not a true count.

This one on Friday is a true count. Here comes the fun part.

I have to "collect" my pee for 24 hours. I get to keep it in the fridge next to the milk and carry it with me Friday to the lab for the bloodwork. Woohoo.

Problem is, the pee container was OBVIOUSLY not designed with the female anatomy in mind. Contrary to what Darkstar thinks, women can not aim their pee (or if they can it's a skill I lack). Were I a male it would be no problem to use this monstrosity but as a woman with woman-parts, I can't help but crack up every time I look at this and wonder what the hell they were thinking....

I took a few pictures of this horrible pee vessel, nothing like sharing the pee humour. I put the thing next to Sir Edmund so you can get an idea of how big it is (who the hell could possibly pee that much in 24 hours????? Even when my kidneys DID work I couldn't come close to filling this bad boy) and because not everyone puts a pic of a pee jug next to a cute cat.

Come, laugh with me. Think of me on Friday when I end up peeing all over my hands or peeing in a plastic cup and pouring it in this stupid jug and putting it in the fridge next to lunch.

(I just realised I'm going to get a gabillion hits off people searching freaky porn with that title but screw it).

Picture time:

1. I’m with you - HOW are you supposed to pee in that without getting it all over the bathroom?? Ugh. When pregnant, they made me pee in a tiny little cup every doctor appointment, and yeah, it was not pretty. Can’t they make some kind of funnel thing for the toilet??

   Kel  on  06/27  at  02:24 PM

2. I know this sounds as gross as the title, but if you pull up the top of your vagina lips, you can aim. It allows your urethra to have unhindered access to the outside world. If that isn’t convenient for you, get a funnel and pee into that container. They have a funnel like apparatus that can help you pee outside just like a guy too.
   http://pee-zees.tripod.com/
   http://pee-zees.tripod.com/id17.html
   http://www.wikihow.com/Urinate-Standing-up-As-a-Female
   http://www.vibrantnation.com/health-fitness/peeing-in-a-cup-a-tragic-female-dilemma/

   Maybe these will help too.

   Mare Martell Stotler  on  06/28  at  01:36 PM
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