Monday, February 05, 2007

Quitting Smoking

It's almost here. My declared day to quit smoking. It was a lot easier when I came up with the idea in January. Now that it's two days away it's scaring the crap out of me.

This is the first time I've ever been serious about quitting and making it a promise to Claude on Claude's day sealed me into this contract.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it.

I'm good at things, I'm good at making things happen. I don't know if I can make this happen or not.

I've been smoking for 20+ years, cigarettes have become such a part of my day to day. What the Hell am I going to do with the time that was usually spent smoking? That cigarette before bed that relaxes me, what am I supposed to do with those 10-15 minutes? That crutch that's been there for me through all the crap I've had tossed my way, what am I going to do when the shit hits the fan and I'm tweaking? I'm going to wake up in the morning and reach for that cigarette, it's become mechanical.

I don't want to eat small nations. I can't get to Everest if I'm too fat to cross a ladder so the consuming of small nations is out of the question.

I'm going with the patch, the Nicoderm CQ. I've had a lot of recommendations and I think the patch seems the best for me. The lozenge and gum aren't enough and I'm not sure chewing nicotine gum is what I want to do. I don't want to take prescription pills, those who know me know my stance on pills. I'm not strong enough to do it cold turkey on my own and I don't want a support group.

I'm terrified. I think I'm angst-ing more over quitting than I will be over not smoking when I go into this. Why did I have to promise Claude? I picked up his urn, I cried, I looked dead into his eyes in the picture and I promised him I would quit on the 7th. Very little truly scares me, this scares me. If I blow this I've let more than just myself down. Templeton too. No one in the world could love this brain-damaged little cat as much as his mama. He needs me, I need him.

I need to do this, I have to do this. Not just to get to Base Camp, it's only a matter of time before I end up with oxygen tubing and damage I can't reverse.

But cigarettes and Heatherlyn have been such good friends for so very long, I can't even close my eyes and imagine myself a non-smoker. I want to but every time I close my eyes there's that cigarette hanging out of my mouth.

People keep telling me they know I can do it and I appreciate the supportive words but I'm not so sure. I'm just not sure I can do it. Have I mentioned I'm scared in the past 4 minutes? No? I'm freakin' terrified.

I don't want to become one of those nutty ex-smokers. I don't care if people want to smoke and I'd like to get to a point where it doesn't make me want to jump up and snatch the thing from their lips. I'd like a lot of things.

I haven't been tested with anything really harsh in a long time, I think I've gotten soft. There have been plenty of small challenges and minor victories but this is something huge and I can see the dancing Parliaments in my head already, all circling me a la Stephen King singing 'smoke me, smoke me..'

I don't want to be a failure. I don't like failing. I failed at more in 2006 than usual and it reminded me how freakin' much I hate failing. I don't want to fail at this, I can't fail at this. But I'm weak. I'm weak and I'm spineless and my ass is owned by the cigarettes, I am totally their bitch.

I thought getting the Golden Carrot out of my head 24/7 was hard to do, this is killing me already and I'm sitting here smoking as I type this and for whatever reason, crying.

It's a good thing to get rid of a bad part of yourself, a bad thing you've attached to yourself and allowed to become a part of your identity. How many forms have I filled out where I checked 'yes' to 'are you a smoker?' It all changes, I change. I change the person I've become, the person I've pretty much come to like and get along with.

I know people who have quit and succeeded, I know more people who have quit temporarily and gone back. If I go through with this I don't ever want to go back.

I never tried coke or mushrooms or any of the 'hard' drugs because I know I have an addictive personality and I was afraid I'd get hooked on one try. Now here's this addictive personality trying to ditch a 20+ year addiction without picking up any new ones in exchange.

What sucks is I like smoking. I like the way the cigarette feels in my hand. I like the way I inhale and it fills my lungs. I like the perceived security it gives me. I like the perceived relaxation it gives me.

I don't like not being able to walk 10 feet without coughing. I don't like the way my chest feels when I take a deep breath. It used to make me sick to my stomach at myself when I would hug Claude and his fur smelled like smoke. I don't like the way it makes the house smell or the walls look. I don't like thinking that 10 years from now I could easily be dying by my own hand. I don't like feeling like I'm 80 years old.

The bad out-weighs the good by so much and so we quit. It's as much because I have to as because I want to and I can't help but second-guess my motives. I know I could get to Everest if I really pull this off, I know exactly where the money would come from and the person who wouldn't think twice about celebrating my victory by sending me to Everest. So I think about Everest when my mind starts to wander but then there it is! That image of me at Base Camp doing what? Smoking a cigarette!

The mental end scares me as well. What am I going to turn into? I'm already an overly emotional person, what sort of blathering basket case am I going to turn into when I start this? How many heads am I going to bite off and how many people will I manage to piss off or alienate in my insanity? Will I be able to recognise that my shrewish screeching at some poor victim is because I'm not smoking? Shit, I have no clue. I can't expect people to walk on eggshells around me just because I've decided to quit smoking but what if I go even more psycho-bitch than I already am...

I haven't been this scared since the fire that burned our building and all we owned and left us homeless.

I have a million sites I haven't finished. I can't imagine myself sitting at the machine putting sites together without a cigarette, most of my smoking is done when diddling domains. What the Hell am I going to do instead, what the Hell am I going to use as a substitute?

Three days left of my love affair with the parliament 100, how close we've become. How intimate we are, how familiar you feel.

I don't know if I have what it takes to do this.

1. Let me get back to you on this…

   Mike

   mr. althouse  on  02/05  at  01:27 AM

2. Keep stuff to play with at your desk. Pens, whatever, I chew on pens like crazy, it’s a bad oral fixation and I’ve never smoked so obviously if I’m stuck with it it must be some kind of addiction to itself. And you HAVE a support group, think of all the people behind you, it’s not a “Hello, my name is WebKittyn and I’m an ex-smoker” but we’re all here for you when you need us.

   And I’d say...talk to Tyr. When I was still up in Edmonton, man, the number of times I saw him “sneakily” pulling on a cig out the side of the webcam, ugh. That was him too, computer = cigarette. Ask him what helped him break that connection in his mind, even though he hasn’t quit entirely he might have some tricks to that part of it. I would ask him for you but, well...yeah.

    on  02/05  at  06:20 AM

3. Good luck to you. I know it’s hard. My sis is trying now.

   Andrea  on  02/05  at  07:35 AM

4. You’re stronger than you know kittyn, and you’ve got the friends to support you as you quit, you’ll do just fine.

    on  02/05  at  07:48 AM

5. I know you can do this.  You are stronger than you know.  This addiction doesn’t have to be a part of you forever, and it halves you, demeans you, lessens you.  Turn the struggle and fight you will have with it, into hating it even more.  IT did this to you, IT won’t win.  You have so many goals.  You don’t need the cigarette to get you to them.  It keeps you from them.  The anxiety is natural.

    on  02/05  at  09:07 AM

6. Dude, I KNOW you can do this. My dad quit after 30+ years and he has a very addictive personality. You can do it! Just think positive and keep busy.

   - CG

   Bobby McGee  on  02/05  at  12:09 PM

7. Good luck and hang in there!!

   Maryann  on  02/05  at  03:05 PM

8. Welcome to the Hillbilly Ecosystem!

   Butch  on  02/05  at  10:48 PM

9. Smoking… the most vile of vices. I watched my dad die of a lung disease that he lied about telling me what caused it. He said it was the “exhaust from the cabs” of the taxi garage he owned and the result of being in steel mills when he was younger and the diesel of the battleship in the war. My brother recently told me that was a bullshit story. It was because he smoked Parliaments at 2 packs a day.

   It will be tough. Everyone knows the worst type of non smoker is the reformed one and I have to LIVE with you...but y’know what? Maybe this is the best thing yet. You have issues with your bronchitis and you’ve smoked for most of your life probably triple what I have (my parents never knew I smoked so I didn’t smoke in the house). I can’t smoke at work and it’s harder when it’s freezing outside. Most of my smoking is done in the car or at home.

   Of all people… I’M the one that has to be the biggest supporter of this endeavor. Mostly because I’m in the same house. It won’t be TOO hard because I don’t smoke THAT much and in the end, maybe it’s best I begin to consider quitting too. It couldn’t hurt my vocal range any to quit.

   I’m in favour of this endeavor. I really am. I know it will be tough. I think I smoked more when we would have the “ceremonial smoke”: Smoke before bed, before going to the store, before cleaning the ____ room, before cooking dinner… I always thought that was a detrimental practise.

   All I can do is try to make it work for you. Different from other well wishing commenters, I’m the one that has the biggest job...making sure you STICK with it. That’s what friends do. We stand behind our friends during the tough tasks…

   DJ Darkstar  on  02/05  at  11:20 PM

10. I’m scared too!  Okay, not so much scared as upset and pissed-off that I HAVE to stop smoking in order to be healthier, not throw so much money down the drain, constantly clean my white miniblinds and obsessively try to cover up the smell of cigarettes that permeates everything in my house.  It’s a nasty old habit and I’ve quit worse ones so why am I dreading it so?  I need a stop smoking buddy so you’re officially IT!  Good luck to us both

    PS....Welcome to the Hillbilly Ecosystem!

     on  02/06  at  01:26 AM

11. Ok Kittyn, here it is. I quit smoking almost a year ago. It was not, however, my first attempt. It was my fifth honest effort at quitting in 18 months. Every time I picked up again, I went through a range of emotions from shame to self-loathing to weakness to the fuck-its. Every time I started again it was just going to be “this one time.” It didn’t even really count, you know - just a day off really, I’d pick up the count the next day with out even starting over. The lesson? Even one drag is too much - I’m cooked.

    Feeling fear is natural - even healthy. And talking about it - gathering support, as it were - is crucial. The urges are going to come, especially hard and frequently at first. I’m not going to sugar coat it. I’ve tried with the gum and the patch - it helped at first. The flip side is that although they eased the craving, they also didn’t work for me. In the end I had grown so utterly disgusted that I finally toughed it out cold-turkey. I can tell you that I in no way did it by myself. I relied on a network of friends - some non-smokers, some former smokers and even some smokers - who supported me and helped.

    I also relied on meditation and a spiritual connection. There are times when there won’t be anyone else around and the nicotine will be calling. At those times, I did not rely on will-power… it’s not about will-power, I had to have something more. For me, it’s not a religious God or anything like that. It’s more of a connection to the universe through the universal power that could be nothing more than the power of love - I really don’t know. Fortunately, knowing what it is is not important… THAT it is is everything.

    So… can you do it? I don’t know. It’s a day, or an hour or even a minute at a time. You don’t have to worry about never smoking again, only about not smoking right now. If you fall short, do it again, and again, and again until you can stay with it. I’m in your corner - you can do this. You don’t have to do it alone.

    Mike

    mr. althouse  on  02/06  at  03:39 AM

12. It’s been about a year for me.  Now, while I don’t crave cigs, i do hate those empty moments where I would have normally smoked a cigarette.  I chew shitloads of trident and eclipse gum.  In fact, in the past year, I have tried every kind of gum i imaginable.  I epecially like the trident (chewing trident after eating helps clean teeth).  Also, the pen idea was a good one.  I’m a chronic clicker. Idle hands and all that.  good luck.  Smoking is a demanding and expensive mistress (i just like to say mistress), but not one you cant lose.

    mike/farg  on  02/06  at  03:25 PM

13. You can do whatever you put your mind to. And DS is there to encourage you...for me, finding the “WANT TO QUIT” part of me was the hardest, and I had to hold on tight to that.  My mistake was thinking I could loosen my grip on that part.

    We’re here for you.

    aka_monty  on  02/06  at  11:41 PM

14. quitting smoking is like a death.  seriously.  the last time i tried to quit (made it four months), i felt as if my best friend had died (and in a way, that feeling isn’t all that far off).  let yourself mourn. rage a little.  cry a lot.  and please please keep reminding yourself that every day smoke-free is a victory.

    i’m pulling for you.

    take care.

    malfouka  on  02/07  at  12:55 AM
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