WebKittyn Warbles
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Six Months And Stuff
Why do people point out and obsess on deathiversaries? I swear we do so much to screw our own heads sometimes. I knew fully well last night was six months, I knew it but I tried not to obsess on it. My poor mother on the other hand was unable to put her mind anywhere else. I spent most of the night talking to her and letting her cry and thinking. It was a rough night and I was up at 6:20 throwing what's left of my brains up.
I'm not sure how I am. It's a roller coaster day by day. I've gotten better at recognising the good things that happen during my day and embracing them but they come far and few between. I've been throwing myself into projects I've had sitting around in an attempt to keep my mind busy and occasionally it works but I'm not going to lie - most of my time is spent sad.
Hard to believe it's been six months. It feels like forever and only yesterday at the same time but I guess that's normal. I have no idea what's normal anymore, I have no idea if normal even exists. I always thought it did but it seems I spent a lot of years in a glass bubble.
Roley is still alive. My 3.5 legged refugee cat is still fighting the good fight. She's got herself bunkered down under the ramp outside, I think she's chosen it as her final place. I go out there every day and sit with her, she doesn't bother to crawl over for pets anymore but she purrs when I sit there talking to her so I guess she enjoys the company. She's not in pain, I was able to reach in and touch her back and her hind legs and there was no pain and her appetite is normal so I'm not going to bring her to the vet. I know what the vet is going to say and I'm not doing that to her. As long as there is no pain and she can move enough so she's not pooping all over herself I'm going to leave her just as she is. If she starts to show signs of pain I'll do the humane thing for her as much as it will further rock my mother and I. It's been about 10 years since she showed up on the property hungry and cold, she's very much become a part of the family. When the time comes I will do right by her, whether it's ending her pain or taking care of her remains if she should go quietly overnight. Love you, little cat.
I can't comment on the state of my kidneys but it's almost time to go for another round of blood checks. I watched the news the other night and they were talking about Officer Marc DiNardo and how his family had made the choice to donate his organs. Of course it made me cry and it made me think about my own future and the kidney transplant I know is haunting me down the road. What a noble thing for his family to do, to find something good in a horrible tragedy.
My pressure's been up lately (no shit, right?), seriously up. "Malignant hypertension" is so rare and they love to put the fear of God into my head about it. I'm supposed to go immediately to the ER if my bottom pressure goes over 120. I was at 121 the other day but I didn't go. I figure they're just being over-cautious so I was giving myself until it went up to 130 before it went and luckily I was able to get it down to 100 with an extra Lisinopril and deep breathing. I refuse to take any other pills. As much as they're willing to throw xanax at me like candy, I don't want it. If I'm sad, let me be sad. I've never believed in masking the shit life throws at us with pills and I'm not starting now but I worry a lot.
I worry about another seizure, sometimes irrationally. I could have been John Travolta's son that day had my mother not been home when the first one hit. The logic part of my brain tells me it's not going to happen again, my blood pressure was 300/290 when it happened but it still haunts me, particularly during the sad times when I know the pressure is going up.
The independent expert panel is still at work, apparently there are close to 3000 pages of medical records to review and it's such a strange and complicated case. Even the lawyer said this was a 'unique one.' At least I'm unique. 1% of the population gets malignant hypertension and something like 5% make it off dialysis for over a year. I'm not up to a year yet but it's something to aspire to. When it's all over whether he officially takes the case or nor at least I've purchased my complete (not abstract) records so I'll finally be able to fill in the details of the missing week of my life.
I've started writing again to keep my mind off of being sad. I'll never be Andrew Vachss, Peter Straub, David Morrell or James Patterson but maybe I'll actually write this novel that's been in my head so long. Hey, I can always vanity publish if I win the lawsuit, right? I know, cheesy. My great American novel stands at three pages so far.
I've also been kicking around the idea of actually writing "Abattoir." There isn't a film company in the world that would make it and the public would think I was some kind of sociopath but I might write it anyway. I refer to the movie I dreamed so vividly while I was ODing on the morphine the hospital was letting me pump into my system like a fiend. I have never seen anything so vivid, I dreamed the entire movie from start to end and it was a full-length film. Yes it was also the most disturbing and gorey thing I've ever seen anywhere but there's a part of me curious how it would write out on paper.
The radio station is in sad shape. I haven't put the new default rotation in. I haven't gotten the schedule back together. I haven't put the rest of the DJ about pages up. I've done no promoting and right now we have 3 steady shows and that's it. Not that people aren't ready to go on and looking to go on, they're waiting for me to get things going and I haven't. I've still got SAM that we paid $300 for that does so much and it's still not in either. Another project I need to pick up on, busy busy busy keeps the mind from going to the dark places on purpose.
There's a massive cardinal outside, just landed on the tree outside my window. Those were my dad's favourite birds, he would sit and watch them for hours. This is one of those times I wish I had some sort of faith so I could see that cardinal and take it as some sign of something.
So that's the state of my head these days. I'm still making a lot of mistakes in how I'm dealing with things but I see them and that's something. Whether I choose to fix them or not is on me but at least I see them.
I want to thank each and every person who has, knowingly or unknowingly, made me smile, laugh or forget to be sad for even a few seconds. A simple gesture like a Twitter follow-back from Simon vam Kempen, a comment from a very wise canine, a joke on the mud, the support of my core circle of friends I talk to every day, a random email from a blogger friend asking how I am - it all helps more than I let on. Without these moments and escapes I would be left with my own mind to screw with me so I thank you all and appreciate you all.
I will pull through this all. All of it.
'I saw Matt Dillon in black and white
there ain't no colour in memories.
He rode his brother's Harley across the TV
while I was laughing at Dom deLuise.
Now I'm cycling all my video tapes and I'm crying and I'm joking
I've gotta stop drinking
I've gotta stop thinking
I've gotta stop smoking'
-Roger Daltrey, 'After the Fire' - Life Anthem Number Three
-
You’re naked and you’re perfect.
Marilyn Martell Stotler on 07/23 at 01:25 PM -
If I were naked it would be frightening.
WK on 07/23 at 03:29 PM -
Thats the kind of judgement others get to make. Stay strong, and keep moving forward
on 07/24 at 12:16 AM -
I meant in the written word. I love you showing yourself. It’s very brave. You have more courage in your little finger than most people I know. You WILL do this. You ARE doing this. You are strong even in tears, my dear friend. You are stronger than you think. I think time has proven this. I adore your “nudity.”
Marilyn Martell Stotler on 07/24 at 02:32 AM -
"Why do people point out and obsess on deathiversaries? I swear we do so much to screw our own heads sometimes. I knew fully well last night was six months, I knew it but I tried not to obsess on it.”
I don’t know why, Heatherlyn. Personally, I will always obsess over the numbers 19, 25, and 50. I think that it helps some people remember that not everything is in our hands. I think it helps us as mourners to stop and go, “whoa, not everything’s about us.” Because through the financial hoops and everything you know we, the survivors/mourners have to jump through, we are given an opportunity to stop and remember mommy, or in your case, daddy. I encourage you to cherish those moments, because you won’t be able to think about him every second of everyday. To do so is unhealthy.
Ah ah ah...your blood pressure information made me tear up. Mommy had abnormally low blood pressure that last 30 minutes of her life.
I would point out that medicine is not to mask or take away your true feelings, it’s to help you function. If you think you’re functioning, then go for it. If you aren’t, try a change in thought process - this sounds so odd but it actually works. I thought that me being home the weekend before Mommy died made me some sort of bad son. But I know, after I saw the emails to the pictures someone sent her, and after she had put one of them up on her screensaver - oy, I didn’t see it until after her death - that she had been happy...to see me happy, to see me being a normal high school kid.
This could just be fear of my mother talking but if you’re sick don’t put it off. With Mommy, they were so close to finding an infection and an answer. Maybe if she had gone a day or two earlier, she would still be alive. But thank G-d for blood donors, who made it possible, along with the Almighty, for me to see her one last time. I am upset about it naturally, but I try not to let it stop my life. My life isn’t stopped - it’s an odd contradiction of slowed down and sped up. Slowed down in the fact that I am overwhelmed with grief, yet sped up in my responsibilities.
Still, I know that my mother raised me well, well enough to handle any of this. And I want her back, to see me graduate, to see the milestones of my life. I’m sure you want your daddy to see you go on with your life. Whether he and my mother are watching, I don’t know, and frankly don’t want to think about, but I do remember everything my mother taught me, and everything that she gave me. So look back and remember. But know that there is a future and full of memories for you to cherish.
Remember what your father would want for you. He’d want you to kick ass with this lawsuit. I’m personally rooting for you, I know how hard it is to get answers out of large companies or state agencies. But don’t give up.
As always you have my email and phone number and there’s a good chance these days I’ll be awake a lot of times - sleep is a little, umm, non-existent right now, if not sporadic. Don’t be afraid to write about it. It has been a real struggle for me to write about it. Hopefully, I will get the strength to write about her.
Bobby on 07/26 at 10:01 PM
<-- Steal me!
