Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Buck Stops Here - Kali S Truman

So I've got this MUD I've owned since January 1999. For those who don't know what a MUD is, think World of Warcraft or Everquest on a much smaller scale. MUDs, for the most part, are entirely text-based and done in C or some derivative of C. People create and build a character and can choose whether or not to go "PK" and take part in player killing of other players. The MUD is broken down into different areas or zones and in these areas there can be found equipment for the player to wear to boost their stats and mobs (monsters) to kill. A MUD is as in-depth or stock as its staff makes it to be. A MUD comes with the basic stock areas, eq and mobs and from there it is only limited by imagination and ability to manipulate C. The average lifespan of a MUD is around 2-3 years.

Truman was a Hell of a President, he's my favourite Democrat to date.

My MUD is pretty far from stock at this point. We've got a brilliant programmer in Meathe and Navarre is the undisputed ASCII king. We've spent an ungodly amount of time customising the MUD.

I have a staff of six on the MUD, it's gone up to as much as 9 but as of now it's 6. 6 individuals with jobs, wives, hobbies, families, etc. Each of these individuals has volunteered to give to this MUD their time and effort. I have nothing to offer them in return for their work except my friendship, appreciation and the knowledge that I would walk on fire for any of them. I'd like to think they all know how much I deeply respect and admire all of them and it is because of their commitment the MUD has succeeded this long. Players don't want to play a MUD where the staff sucks or doesn't do anything.

Most of the time I love it, some of the time I rue the day I ever saw that telnet ad on AOL 7 years ago and went to investigate. It's a lot of work. Sometimes it gets hard. Everyone is very much their own person and everyone has their ideas of what they want to do on the MUD. We have a pretty good system in place and as far as being the 'boss' goes, I like to think most of the time I do a good job. I have my days where my emotional side gets the best of me, I'm the first to admit this. We'll go for weeks on end with nothing and then one day I'll have 5 out of 6 staff members coming at me with player issues, area issues, code problems or their own moods. Some days I want to run away screaming and forget I ever had a MUD. Some days I just want to screech at everyone and tell them all to shut the fuck up and just play the damn MUD.

Then I stop and I tell myself to stop acting like an ass. It's my MUD, there were no guns to the temple demanding I run a MUD. I chose to take it over and continue to choose to run it. To expect a constant state of nirvana is silly on my part, of course there are going to be days when the people who make the MUD run are going to be touchy and sensitive and yes, it's my job to deal with it because I chose to own this MUD. It's not important if I feel like dealing with it or not, the buck does indeed stop here and it's of my own choice.

Sometimes I snap. I try not to, especially at an all-volunteer staff who give of themselves damn near 365 days a year. I feel bad as it is on occasion that they do so much for nothing. But sometimes I snap and I say things and I get pissy and a few hours later I deeply regret being an ass. It's not staff member A's fault that staff members B, C, D, E and F all have crap going on the same day they do and I have no right to bark at A for it. But sometimes I do, nonetheless. I am a flawed human.

Sometimes I wish I never took on the responsibility of running a MUD and it can be a responsibility. I've had one player kill himself (we failed that one), players who have had or gone through jail, rape, depression of the harshest kind, cutters and scarers, terminal loneliness, coming out of the closet, much relationship angst, bankruptcy, homelessness, drug addiction, etc. You name it, we've had it and I run a very hands-on MUD. My staff is primarily older than the average MUDder (we have 4 30 or older) and we get involved. No, we're not certified for things like that (although post-grad courses in online psychology continue to call to me) but if we were, they probably wouldn't talk to us. We've helped a few stop cutting, provided strength and support during the sober-up process of quitting drugs, convinced some to stay in school and cheered others through their GED. It's a responsibility and sometimes I wish I didn't have it.

Then I tell myself to stop whining about it and it usually works. The little voice of reason in my head that tells me to get down off my cross, the world doesn't need another martyr. If I really didn't want to deal with it, I would have closed the MUD. Since I choose not to close the MUD, I have no right to curse the Gods when the staff comes to me with issues. If not me, then where? Sure I won't always want to deal with it all but frankly - tough shit, Batman. Comes with having 'boss' on the imaginary door.

Although they very definitely are, none of them has ever made me feel like they're doing me a favour by being there and that's something else I appreciate.

I don't thank them enough, let this warble serve as a big thank you to them.

1. But… This is my hobby!

   And you were the one doing me the favour.
   Thank you for trusting a (very) rusty (wanna be) programmer with your world.  It is, was and will be treasured.

   Thank you.

   Meathe  on  09/29  at  08:46 PM

2. And thank you for providing the mud as not only an escape mechanism from reality, but also a place to plug into other people.  I can honestly say that you and the others have helped me through more things than I can likely list.  I always praise the day I first visited ToD, and always shall.  Meeting you in the halls of the Guardians was a blessing to me.

   navarre  on  09/30  at  12:09 AM

3. Hi,
   Yoga exercises put pressure on organs and glands helping them to produce a healing chemical balance causing us to feel well. The strengthening and stretching movements flush toxins from our bodies as well.Yoga positions commonly recommended for depression are sun salutations, shoulder stand and relaxation position.

   guided mindfulness meditation  on  09/25  at  04:54 AM
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