Friday, November 10, 2006

The Old Folk

So I just came back from five weeks upstate. I'm lucky with my life circumstances that I can take off and go upstate for these long visits. I sort of forgot how lucky I was until this last trip.

I've always been closer than most with my parents. I suppose there's something to the only child thing and add to this my parents being two of the coolest human beings I've ever known. My house was the one all my friends ran away to and my mother was the surrogate mom to many a friend of mine. I grew up in a glorious atmosphere of love and nurturing with my close family all within a two mile radius.

When they moved 90 miles away it broke me. I don't care if I was 30 or 300, it broke me. When my father went into the hospital last February (right after Claude died, February sucked) and came out with oxygen and a dead lung it tore me apart like nothing I've experienced before. The trips upstate became something different.

I haven't seen them since April, I went up for my birthday and it was the first time I saw my father with the oxygen. It was hard enough going up there for the first time without Claude, seeing him on the oxygen was tough. I figured it would be a little easier this time.

I was wrong. Again. I'm good at being wrong, I'm wrong quite often.

This was the first time in my entire life I actually got spooked by the thought of parental mortality. My parents getting old. Frail. My mother the powerhouse is slowing down and life is taking a toll on her. My father is starting to look like an old man.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting them in the ground yet by any means. They're still selling books, my mother is still working and about to get promoted and my father is still sharp as a tack and as vocal as ever. But. But but but. They're slowing down, they're not going to be here forever. It snuck up on me, it snuck up on me somewhere between April and October and it scares the shit out of me.

My parents are my best friends. They've always been my best friend and there is virtually nothing I haven't shared with my mother. I spent too many nights up there this trip dwelling on mortality and dripping from the eyes late at night when it was quiet. I know how life works, I know this was something I was going to have to start dealing with or thinking about sooner or later but shit, when did sooner get here and where the Hell is later?

I should be doing more for them, I should be able to do more for them. They're not just cool, they're amazingly kind and caring people. My mother is still everyone's nursemaid at work and she takes care of my dad like no one else could. It upsets me that my financial situation doesn't allow me to do more, makes me burn even stronger with the desire to make something out of all the crap I've got going on.

I've learned to live in the now. I've learned to savour the moments that are now and to find something magical in the mundane, at least I've got this. I sat there and contemplated the possibility that this could be the last Christmas spent as a whole family and while it tore the shit out of my heart it gave me a deeper appreciation of being there now and the Christmas to come in December. I know I'll never be the person I am now when either of them leaves me so I'm living as I can now and making the improvements I can. I'm racing time while living in the present and eyeing the future with a wary optimism.

They're not as fragile as I make them out to be, understand that much of this is my inability to look at this objectively. All chances point to more Christmas times together but I don't dictate time. It was just the slam in the head of seeing them age and for the first time in my life having to think about things that make me want to throw up and crawl under the bed with the cat and hide from life.

For now, I'm going back up for Thanksgiving for two weeks and I'm going to make sure it's a damn good Turkey Day. Then when I go back for Christmas and January, I'm going to cherish every second and try like the devil not to dwell on a future I can't change. I need to keep reminding myself they're not as feeble as I make them seem.

It's tough though. It's the hardest stuff I've ever had to think about, forget all this other trivial crap I go on about every day. I am every bit who I am because of Chuck and Jayne and I will never find the words or time to ever fully pay them tribute for being the best parents I could have ever hoped for.

Parental mortality sucks.

1. First of all. This was the best post I have ever seen from you. It made me laugh and cry all at the same time. It’s so wonderful that you recognize the gift that your parents are before it’s too late.
   *big hugs*

   Debi  on  11/10  at  04:52 PM

2. Getting older and watching your parents get older isn’t always fun. I feel like I’ve become closer to my parents as I’ve become an adult (and moved out of their house), but I find myself thinking more and more about the day when I won’t have one or both of them around anymore, and it terrifies me. I will never be ready for that.

   I am more aware than ever now that if I snap at my mother or make an excuse not to hang out on the weekend, it’s one less chance I’ll have. I have a close friend whose mother is fighting cancer right now, and it makes me feel guilty for not being as good about spending time as I can be.

   You are lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with both of your parents. I’m glad you get the chance to get away and be with them.

   Diz  on  11/10  at  06:18 PM

3. My parents are my best friends too.. I know what you mean.

   My mother just went into hospital on Friday to have all of her top teeth removed.

   I know that isn’t a big deal or life-threatening, but it’s brought home to me just how elderly (and fragile_ they are becoming.

   Hugs to you!

   Brigid  on  11/12  at  12:59 AM

4. I know it.. felt it all the more when my grandfather passed on. Was like a wake-up call.

   Still can’t imagine it though.

   SEV  on  11/12  at  08:29 PM
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