WebKittyn Warbles
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Things I WILL Do By the End of the Year
We call this therapy in a blog. Since I've bowed out of life for so long, I'm making a list of things I absolutely WILL do by the end of the year. Nothing crazy or out there but all things I can get done and will get done by the end of the year. I'm freaken' tired of sitting around, there are things I want to do. I'll have some extra cash since I won't be buying cigs so maybe I can get this stuff done. I know one thing I'd like to get done but I don't see it happening and that's sad. I think there's one old friendship I can't fix even though now we'd probably be really good friends as this person is happily involved with someone which would make for really solid friends on a friend level like it originally was. Even I can't fix everything though. There are, however, a ton of things I can do and plan to do.
1. Go six months without a cigarette.
2. Cry on someone's shoulders. Really let it ALL out on a pair of strong male shoulders that can handle getting soaked.
3. Walk across the bridge from NYC to Brooklyn and back with Darkstar.
4. Go into NY city and face to face it with Meathe.
5. Ride on the back of a motorcycle in the Fall weather.
6. Get SAM working.
7. Have the grand Mojo Meet Up somewhere where people can go to, start planning.
8. Get my hair extensions.
9. Get one pair of really expensive Fall boots.
10. Go to the Greenwich Village parade on Halloween.
11. Have one crazy, illogical and wonderful fling/tryst
12. Add a webcam space to the KMRL chat room.
13. Do a few shows with the webcam on.
14. Train for Base Camp.
15. Go to my father's grave three times.
16. Organise a Pat's get together at the Quarry when Luke is bartending.
17. Go to a CB gathering.
18. See two concerts.
19. Go to a wine tasting and vineyard tour.
20. See one Broadway show.
21. 20 random acts of kindness.
22. Hand-write Christmas cards to my friends.
23. Remind my friends often how much I love them and what they mean to me.
24. Walk the Dutchess pathway over the river with Darkstar.
25. Redo my bathroom.
26. Allow myself to feel attraction/interest in someone.
27. Get the graft in my arm deflated.
28. Go to three haunted hayrides/haunted fields/haunted houses for Halloween week.
29. Go to the Dutchess County Food & Wine Fair in the fall.
30. Make 3 new friends.
There it is. Not a huge list and some of the things are really simple but I think if I can pull off everything on the list by the end of the year I can go into 2012 really feeling good about all of it. 2008 was the year of kidney loss and six months in hospitals and my father's illness. 2009 was the year of his death and my continuing illness. 2010 was a lost year of grief and self pity and being a mean closed in person even I wouldn't want to know (why didn't those who took off on me understand what I was going through, sometimes I wonder what made some stick it out and others flee so easily even though I know I was really fucked up and shitty), it was a year of doing nothing and going nowhere and doing my best to chase away anyone who tried. 2011 was split with the first half a continuation of 2010's misery and the 2nd half turning into a re-birth of sorts.
I want the rest of 2011 to be more than just a spiritual thing, I want it also to be physical so we've got the gatherings and the KMRL meet up and the motorcycle ride and the fling/tryst. I want to laugh and have fun and do some stupid things, it's been too long and I've earned the right to have a few laughs. I want to keep working on my head which I imagine will get easier as I start to cross things off my little list and start to feel better about actually doing things instead of just talking about doing them.
It's surprising how easy it's become to 'fess up to my mistakes. I can also acknowledge the good, this isn't about constantly beating myself down. I know there's been good but there's been way too much bad. Back in my 20's I used to do this thing called "going to the mirror." Darkstar used to hear about it all the time. Going to the mirror meant literally going to a full length mirror and taking a long look at myself without clothes and looking at the outside AND the inside. Was I happy with what I saw in either? Going to the mirror was always about being brutally honest, it wasn't a time to remember the good about myself, it was a time to stand tall and admit and accept the bad. Only then could I really change it.
I've been to that mirror recently. Aint pretty. It's better looking on the inside than it was a year ago, six months ago, a month ago but it's still not there. That's what this list is for and that's what all this blogging is for. Besides the comments I get here (which I truly appreciate and I pay attention to every one), the support I'm getting in email and FB messages from both friends and strangers is really inspiring.
I'm going to put this list somewhere on FB where it will always be there, either in my profile or a KMRL forum, whichever will make it last. I'll be updating at things happen and hopefully those who have been cheering me on will see things getting checked off and hopefully I'll continue on the emotional/spiritual regrouping path I'm on.
Besides. Number 11 is fun, everyone should have at least one crazy illogical tryst before they die!
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Im interested in number 7… this is going to be weird but im looking forward to it… better start saving… where are some places your thinking about doing it?
on 06/15 at 02:02 AM -
glad you found your path
on 06/16 at 11:11 PM -
T-
And you yours. Perhaps the two shall cross again one of these days…
Wishing you all good.
WebKittyn on 06/16 at 11:14 PM -
Actually, there was a whole lot more I wanted to say but didn’t think a comment was the right place to say it..
Be well.
H
WebKittyn on 06/16 at 11:44 PM -
I know I’m the last person you want to hear from but just know there’s a few emails I’ve written knowing they’d never get sent. I’m like a vampire, I don’t come in unless invited. But the thought is there.
WebKittyn on 06/19 at 11:41 PM
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<-- Steal me!
