Sunday, October 23, 2005

This is a Rant

As the title says, this is a rant. Given as how this is my blog and my place to warble my thoughts and crap, I'm not going to apologise for anything said in this rant. I'm pissed, I'm stung, I'm going to rant now. Deal with it or skip this post.

As I said a while back, I own a MUD and there are times I want to walk away from it and never look back. I'm in one of those moods now and I really have to thank Meathe for being the lone constant that is keeping me there at the moment.

I am sick and tired of being taken advantage of on the MUD. And this time it's not the players I'm ranting about - it's staff. Yes, staff.

(rest of rant lurks inside) My ideal staff number would be 10, nine and myself. The only real 'set' job on the MUD belongs to Meathe - the code. Everyone else sort of does everything else and it usually works well.

Currently, we're at 7 including me. It's a bit low but we've been doing really well.

We had 8, I put enough faith and trust into a person over the Summer to add them to the staff. They said thank you by just disappearing and never coming back one night, took their promises and assurances of "it won't happen like that, how could you think I would do that" and ran out on the MUD and a friendship that obviously only meant something in my head.

I'm a hands-on owner. The buck stops with me and regardless of who or what, it's usually me who takes the heat of the anger when something goes wrong. That's cool, I expect it. I'm a pretty good owner, too.

I don't ask a lot of my staff in terms of work. Most nights it's usually the staff hanging out in the staff room making jokes or just hanging. Out of the six, only one has ever completed an area so that in itself says something. I am no slave mistress and I ask very little.

Lately I'm feeling fucked by people I've been good to. I talked about it with Meathe last night to make sure I wasn't being a nutcase and apparently I'm not. There's shit going on that I in no way deserve and it's bringing everything down.

I have one staff member I've considered a good friend for damn near five years now. Long time. He's an amazing person but a bit ....... quirky. Twice before he has just up and vanished. No reason, no goodbye, no courtesy of a letter of resignation, nothing. Just up and poof. Both times have stung me and he knows that, he knows me pretty damn well. After both disappearing acts, he was welcomed back with open arms when he approached me, no questions asked and no explanations required, just a welcome back hug and a smile. Doesn't make me a candidate for Sainthood but it's pretty decent of me.

Welp, he's up and done it again. Third time's the kicker. Hasn't shown his face since October 1st, ignored the email I sent asking what was up and has been around to check his other site but screw the MUD, screw the friends who have been there for him for a loooooooooong time, screw common fucken courtesy of letting a person know they're taking a break.

This gets me on a dual level. The friend in me is shocked and deeply hurt that he's so selfish he would do this to me yet again. There was no reason for it, no cause and no warranting it, it's the same as always: his life gets cluttered so he flakes out and fuck friends. It's selfish as hell and this time it's really gotten to me. It's not too much to ask for a quick email or something. No details needed, just the simple fucken courtesy of hey, I won't be around because life is acting up. No, we don't do that. We take our fucken problems out on people who have done nothing to deserve it. The MUD owner in me is furious and hurt - why the HELL would he put me, Meathe, his clan and the MUD through turmoil because he has issues? How selfish can one person be to have absolutely no regard for anyone or anything but themselves? Yes, life happens and the MUD becomes unimportant, I get that. That doesn't make it ok to fuck a five year friend and the rest of the people you work with. An email saying I'll be back when I can takes no time.

I'm done, this time the ties get severed. This was amazingly selfish and unfair and all around shitty and I let myself get kicked twice before, it's not going to happen a third time. I get it, the friendship and the MUD don't really matter. Message received, have a lovely life.

Then there's everyone else. As I said before, I don't ask much from my staff. Once in a while I send an email around to all asking for opinions. And on holidays it's nice PR for the players if there are special events in the MUD for them.

On October 15th I asked for two things. I asked for each staff member to come up with and post some sort of Halloween event and I sent an email with a list of materials I asked them to look over ASAP and send back. Halloween is coming up and events take some time to plan.

I got one reply on the materials. One. From Meathe. I waited with my thumb up my ass and received nothing.

No one posted a Halloween event except Meathe. Zip.

I asked again, a few days later.

I got nothing.

I saw most of them every night, sitting in the Imm room talking small talk or about partying at college or whatever the topic of the moment was. Yet I got nothing. Erm, come on folks. I rarely ask for anything, please don't make me have to beg. The nothing continued.

Yesterday, a full week after my initial request and after being ignored twice, I snapped. Not rabid dog snapped but yes, snapped. I reiterate - I RARELY ask for anything official. On one of the rare times I do, it shouldn't take me asking twice and still getting nothing, that's not fair. It is a job at the core level, once in a while there is work. It's not fair to make me play the bitch-boss and have to go to a place I hate going to.

What did I get? A nasty-toned email from one of them and two events posted. I asked Meathe if I deserved the attitude, he said no (and if Meathe says it, it must be so). Two of the six have bothered to reply to the email (one being the snotty one) and three have posted a Halloween event.

But I'm not supposed to be pissed, I'm not supposed to be a bit let down that when I actually ask for some work, it's met with apathy and non-response. Well fuck me, I can't be that noble. Imagine if all the DJs on Mango Radio just stopped making shows without saying anything. It's the smallest modicum of responsibility that I usually don't ask for and I get slapped in the face for it. But I'm not supposed to care. I feel taken advantage of, I feel slighted. I keep saying to myself "I never ask them for anything" and it really sucks that this was the response.

I may end up losing yet another staff member (or two?) over this and that sucks bigtime but shit.... If Mango sent something around and asked us to go over it, I'd make the goddamn time to go over it - certainly before a week had gone by. It's just the decent thing to do. If I lose staff because I had the balls to ask for some work, so be it.

Right now I'm just shocked, hurt and disheartened. Ranting helped.

Definitely bad juju but fuck it, if it comes down to just the cat and the seal, so fucken be it.

*crawls off, sounding tough, to lick wounds in private*

Feh.

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