WebKittyn Warbles

Monday, July 04, 2005

Time for a Cool Change

Sometimes a song comes along and knocks you on your ass. This one did it. Damn country music, I had forgotten about this until the other night, it sort of reappeared on its own from the Protectors of the Sacred Songs.

I said hello I think I'm broken
And though I was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed
I was tryin' to be clever
For the life of me I never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain
No medicine can fix

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone

Lookin' back it's still surprisin'
I was sinking you were rising
With a look you caught me in mid-air
Now I know God has His reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When I awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
Your made crazy sane
You became the missing link
That helped me break my chains

And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
The bad news is you're gone

Could anything in this world be more appropriate? No.

Ok MacDuff, read on. Once again last night Verizon decided I didn't really want to be online afterall and gave me das boot. Unfortunately it was too early to sleep so I got stuck with thoughts again. My mind is not my ally, it's supposed to be on my side.

Did a lot of thinking, watched the sun come up over the Hudson and plotted my course. Kept the faces of a few friends in my head and tried to think of what Mo would say to me if I could only find Mo.

Do ya do ya want my love
Do ya do ya want my face
Do ya do ya want my mind
Do ya do ya want my love

Damn Monster commercial, this song is getting played 20 times a day now. Ok, back to substance. Although the day's playlist seems to fit into the theme of this post.

It dawned on me this morning that I was swept into something I don't particularly like. Now I can continue in it knowing that it will never be as promised and what was talked about in dreams is not what was produced in reality. Ok, I'm not the first person to be caught up in something that's destined to end badly. Question is, what do I do with it.

I don't like what it's done to me, what it's turned me into. Some sort of dirty secret to be denied, what is that? And since when do I worry about these things? I can only begin to imagine what was used to soften the blows but I know it would be disturbing.

We make our own decisions in life. Sure, there are always circumstances to kick us in the ass and present obstacles but within those parameters we call our own shots. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do because there is simply no other option. Truly no option, I'm not talking about having options but not liking them, I mean really no other option. I find myself at that crossroad, oddly enough I wasn't supposed to be the one standing there.

Other people can do what they want, I refuse to live a lie, I refuse to play along in a game I'm too damn old for, too damn evolved for and too damn disgusted to continue. I haven't liked what I've been for 2 weeks now and only I have the control to change it. Control. That's what's been missing. Since when do *I* surrender emotional control?

I hear you, Mo. I hear you and I see the disgust in your eyes, I hear that "what are you doing?" that only you have ever given me. I know, I know.

I'm not asking anymore, I'm tired of asking and I'm done. The answers don't come and when they do they're either incomplete or vague. So I'm done asking, pretty simple there. I've seen a glimpse of the truth, I've heard the priorities, I've gotten enough to draw my own conclusions and feel good about them. Just took some getting to, as most truths tend to.

Why am I listening to Tears of the Dragon? It doesn't fit anymore. The Dragon is out of tears.

Pedro, are you reading this? I can see you there shaking your head wondering what the hell she got herself into now. My watcher from afar. Worry not, she bounces back well.

The simple truth is those who call the shots are calling the wrong shots for the wrong reasons. And like a lemming I have sat by and allowed myself to be a willing participant and that stops here, stopped last night. I've heard the reasons, I reject them.

I've waited long enough for words that don't come and lived in a non-existent dream world of written beauty and non truths. It's been a glorious stay but now I must return home. Atlas has shrugged.

As many bad decisions as I've made over the past 5 years I am hardly the one to stand and judge the decisions of others but I am allowed my thoughts and there's just no reconciling. I tried. I sought truth and heart and only what I thought I had been getting but the change of plans changed more than plans.

What I have now is a higher sense of perception and a return to the self. And the faith that doing the right thing will be rewarded. Choosing the difficult path over the easy one and doing what is noble. Faith that good karma begets good karma. The ability to embrace the truth that has been so skillfully covered over with justifications and not good enough reasons.

I used to think I had found 2 of the 10 which is pretty good for this stage of my life. I have not found 2 of the 10, I may have one who reminded me the other night of what it means to truly impact a life but who knows. I'll take 1 out of 10, just means I have to work a little harder, I've still got time.

I feel good right now, it's strange. Good-sad. There is a certain sense of righteousness in doing what is morally right, even if it stings. I had forgotten what it felt like to be stone and how easy it was to go there. Life without sad is not a learning experience.

And I could easily think of three or so people who are reading this and saying 'oh shit, this is about me.' All I'll say is don't assume anything, nothing is as it appears. And don't ask me, I won't answer. My warbles, I write for me. I'll come back to this later and get something from it.

It's the stupid Summer, this is prep time for Fall. What the bloody Hell am I doing living Days of Our Lives when Fall is right around the corner? Am I going to get caught once more by surprise when the leaves turn and I've gotten nothing accomplished? End the horseshit, Kittyn. End it now and while you're at it, please extricate your head from your ass and get back on track. Who said that?

I've had two offers to pay for a month at Mt Tremper. While they moved me to tears, I could never accept such gifts from anyone and words, even my words, do not do the thank you well enough.

I need to do something stupid. Something crazy, something that completely defies common logic. Nothing cheeky like go pick up a stranger and screw all night but I need to do something crazy. Get in the car and go and just end up somewhere perhaps. Someplace cold, catch a ferry to Alaska. Ok, that's a bit too far but dammit, I need to do something stupid. I shall mull on this.

This is possibly the longest entry to date. Kittyn, you sure do bloviate (Thank you, Bill O'Reilly for yet another wonderful word). Blogs of Bloviation.

Someone sent me a sex story to put on S&S, I should do that later.

As for now, I think I've said enough and shared enough and warbled enough. I close with yet one more musical gem..

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact....

All the world’s indeed a stage
And we are merely players
Performers and portrayers
Each another’s audience
Outside the gilded cage

Holy shit, is that a smile? Why yes, yes it is.

Welcome back, dumbass.

Warbled by WebKittyn at 01:29 am in

• Self Relfections

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