Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What Was My Interest and Yah, I Make a Crappy Girlfrend and I’m Okay with That

*blows the dust off this place*

Seems like blogging has been swallowed up in this world of Twitter and Facebook but I miss the good ole days when I would come here and just write without thinking or wondering which of 300 friends is going to read it. So why is it linked? Because hopefully I'll draw back some of the readers I lost when I stopped writing and then I can stop linking. For now it works, some new friends see it posted and read stuff they'd otherwise miss because it's here. Enough qualifying, she snickers?

An ex asked me a question the other night that was probably rhetorical but I can't pass something like that up. Then I got into a conversation with a single friend who is the polar opposite of me in that she feels she needs to be married. She feels like she's missing something without that person in her life and she was questioning how I can genuinely prefer being single and not having kids. So of course between the two of them they got me thinking.

What was my interest. I can answer that. First we'll cover the superficial shit. You were stunning. You were Robert Chambers in a Fiat and your hair drove me crazy. You were this amazingly sexy prepped out guy and had a look that just zinged me. I could and did lose myself many times running my hands through that hair. You had a good job, you had money, I felt sexy standing next to you and at times I made you look good as well. But that's the easy stuff.

You made me challenge and change myself. I remembered all the nasty shit you and Putz and DS would say about me when you were all in Eastchester. Suddenly you were back in the picture in Mt. Vernon with DS and you were the leader of the 'pack' and I wanted you. I dieted, I worked out, I became a whole new person physically so I could walk into that store and set the game afoot. Who knew it would change everything when I became that new person, it was like an awakening.

Then there was the chase. I never want what I can have, the minute I can have it I no longer want it. I've never worked so hard for anything in my life.. Schemed so much. Planned so much. That picnic at that park in Eastchester when you had no idea where the hell you were going any why it was under a bunch of trees. You tested every limit of my mind and will and I loved every second of the challenge. You never made it easy. Even when you swore your undying love I knew you'd either forget it the next day or pretend to forget it to make it easy for you but I let it go on and I let you say it because for the moment it sounded good.

I knew you didn't really love me, I never had any illusions of true love. I was okay with that.

Yet there were the times the vulnerability came blaring through. You were damaged goods from the ex, you tried so hard all the time to make your father proud while at the same time not wanting to turn into him even if he was your hero. You were insecure and brilliant and flawed and I would have walked to the end of the world for those times when you were away from your cronies and not so drunk as to be full of booze love but still allowed yourself to be that scared geeky guy who needed to be accepted and who needed to be more than he was.

It wasn't just the chase. You were funny, you really made me laugh. My friends thought you were dopey but they loved you. You were every bit as smart as I was and we had some amazing conversations. That first and terribly awkward date at the Indian restaurant, I was terrified. You were my equal. I challenged you. I wasn't easy either. In the beginning I simply wouldn't go away and I took a lot of crap from your pals before they became my pals as well. I called you on your antics, I didn't give in and sleep with you. Maybe I should have, who knows.

You gave up too easy. You let me go to Jerry and then you let yourself be lured away by a mutual friend. You should have put more stock into the three years we spent playing real life chess and you should have taken me, tossed me over your shoulder and that should have been that.

But we've moved on, moved into completely different lives. I'm happy for where you've turned out, I know your position has quelled some of the inner daemons and you've done pretty damn well for yourself. We've remained friends and that's a rare and special gift.

I don't regret how it turned out, that's too many kids for me to have pushed out. I do sometimes wonder what if though.

I don't know if I'd trust myself alone with you even today and I admit this openly and freely but it's from a safe distance.

My interest was simple. It was you. The totality of you.

Actually, I don't want to mix entries. I'll save why I make a crappy girlfriend and my advice to my sad single friend for the next post.

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