WebKittyn Warbles

So this is in my chest, I've shown it to people so I figured I might as well post it. It hurts every minute of every day and what you can't see is the start of 50 stitches in my upper arm that begins about an inch away from the cath. Much pain.

When I was in the hospital I would take my nightly walk downstairs and outside for a cig. When I came back I would sit in the main hall and watch people come in and out. Sometimes I would pull my collar down and flash the cath just to see the looks of horror in the faces walking by me. One time I flashed a small child who screamed, jumped and grabbed his mother's leg. It was evil but oh so funny.

Sometimes it gets depressing. My life is ruled at the moment by dialysis, all the spontaneity of my life is gone. I can't miss dialysis. I can't shower because of the cath. I can't drive because of the graft. I can't do anything. I don't know if I'll be able to get off dialysis, I won't know for 6 months.

Yah, sometimes it's easy to get depressed or fall into a poor me party. I try not to let it overtake me and I usually win but not always. My whole life has changed and I've chosen to cope with it without the help of pills. In the hospital the standard answer to everything was 'would you like a Xanax?' and they were all surprised I turned it down. I just wanted to deal with it as it was - if I was sad and scared then I was going to be sad and scared.

If I can't get off dialysis in 6 months I go on the national transplant list which has a 3-5 year wait. Whee.

It's not just my body that's changed, I think my whole persona is different now. I almost died. I lost a week of my life I've been told I don't want to remember. Had my mother not been home I would have died right there on the floor in the den. I can't do the things I love to do, I can't eat the foods I love to eat.

But it could be worse. I saw a lot of worse in the hospital.

It's just hard not to let the depressed and the fear win. I'm tough though, I'm doing it.

It sucks.