WebKittyn Warbles

Some endings aren't bad things. I've had a lot of endings over the past few years and for the most part they were good. One guy who is better off if I'm not in his life as we're oil and water. One long-term girlfriend who turned into a total stranger and would rather choose cocaine over her family. Letting go of the bitterness and anger over my situation. Those are a few of the good ones, the ending of my dad's life is not a good thing. The end of normal kidney function is not a good thing. Balance, it's all about the balance.

One thing endings do is change you. They either make you stronger or you cave to them and they take over. Dealing with an ending is a challenge, a test of will and self control. When a job ends it can throw a life into total turmoil. When a relationship ends how many times do you just want to go running back to the person and try like hell to make it work? Child moving out of the house? How many parents find the end of 'childhood' hard to accept.

Where the hell am I going with this? No, I did not get fired. They don't fire you from disability unless you die or get better. I didn't end any relationships and am not looking to go running back into the arms of any exes. I have no kids to leave the nest.

I am, however, filing for a divorce. I am officially divorcing cigarettes once and for all.

I did it a few years back before my dad got sick and I lasted 7 months. I did it with the patch and it was a double win as I wasn't smoking and I was having AMAZING dreams of being next door neighbours to the Moody Blues and some female Japanese acrobats who were also high-class escorts. The patch worked and I felt better.

When my dad got sick I went right back to smoking. Stupid move. I started again because of him meanwhile my quitting was the only thing I had done that truly made him proud in years. I still have a little card he gave me saying he was proud of me. My father didn't throw that around lightly, it meant the world to me. But I started again.

Now, once and for all, it's time to make it real. It's time to divorce my 20+ year-long marriage to cigarettes.

This time scares me a bit. I can't use the patch. I can't use the gum. I can't suck a lozenge. I can't do in-office hypnosis for $200 a session. I refuse to substitute food for cigarettes, I'm trying to get my ass in shape, not turn into a blob trying to do something healthy. I tried a 2mg lozenge and it shot my blood pressure way into the danger zone in seconds, all of that stuff is out. I'm wary of e-cigs as they really don't know if they can further damage my already broken kidneys so I'm out of options.

And so it becomes a battle of will, of mind over matter. Admittedly I've let my mind get soft while I was wallowing in the muck. I can't recall the last time I issued a challenge to myself that really made me struggle. Yes I do, it was when everyone was telling me I would never be off dialysis but I knew I would be and I worked my ass off to get to that point. Willpower.

So many reasons to want to quit. Let me lay a few out:

1. Health. My kidneys have already turned on me, I don't need my lungs joining the party.
2. Fitness. Hard to walk/trek long distances if you can't breathe well.
3. I can't afford the damn things, paying 11 bucks a pack to kill myself is illogical, Captain.
4. I'm a slave to cigarettes. Oh no, do I have enough? Will I run out tonight? Gotta go get cigarettes...
5. The most important one for me - my dad would once again be proud.

I'm not totally alone in my venture, I've got the help of Paul McKenna's awesome hypnosis CDs and they do seem to work. I've read his book halfway through and the exercises make sense, everything in the book makes sense. The CD actually puts me in some trance state, as many times as I've listened to it I can't tell you what he says past a certain point until he yells "THREE TWO ONE" to bring me out at the end.

It's time to just do it. To issue a formal challenge to myself that will test every fiber of my strength and determination and mind power. I also picked a really rough week to do it but why not start at a hard time so I know what to expect.

I know it's not going to be easy but when the cravings hit I have to count on the fact that I can make my mind stronger than the cravings, I can will my mind (with the help of Dr. McKenna's exercises) to stop craving the cigarette. I remember when I was doing my 8 weeks in Albany Medical Center and my kidney specialist told me he was amazed at how strong I was, how most people in my shoes would be devouring the xanax they kept trying to give me that I never wanted because I felt it made me weak if I couldn't deal without drugs.

I need to make my dad proud. Doesn't matter that he's not here, he'd still be damn proud and that's enough for me. When I go visit him at Saratoga I want to go as a former smoker.

So as of now I am officially issuing a challenge to myself and calling myself out. Who's stronger, Heather? You or the cigarettes.

May the stronger force win.