WebKittyn Warbles

I sat here last night for over an hour just staring at this entry space and writing nothing. I knew it had to be written but this is a really tough one. I lay a lot of my heart out on the line in this blog but with this one I'm going deep, it's difficult to put it in words and put it out there but if I don't then it's like it's not real. Seeing it here makes it real. If I put it out here it's public domain for anyone to come back at me with so I have to stick with it.

We know I don't like anything easy. That includes doing anything the easy way for myself as well. So what the hell am I babbling about now?

Tomorrow is Father's Day. It is my third Father's Day without my dad and I swear it gets worse every year. I've been doing my best to keep my spirits up, amusing myself making pages on Facebook and taking strength from all the support I've gotten but it's still really hitting me like a sledgehammer to the face.

So what do I do? I set my cigarette quit date for 11;59PM tonight. This is possibly one of the stupidest things I've done in a long time.

It's a seriously high stress day, I should be puffing cigs like a maniac and inhaling cheesy poofs with my other hand, not making a decision to do something seriously hard. Yet this is how my head works.

It's the perfect time for me to do this on two levels that I need for things to work for me:

1. Pressure. I'm quitting on Father's Day, this one's for you, Chuck. In my mind this applies a pressure to me that says I did enough in my life to let the man down, it's time to do and stick to something that would make him majorly proud. I quit on his day, I dishonour him if I fail.

2. Test of Will. I need this. I've called myself out and challenged myself to make it through a really bad day without cigarettes. If I can survive a baaaaaad day without crutching on the nicotine, I can stick it this time. It's time for me to see how strong my mind really is.

I'm not doing it alone, I've got Paul McKenna's CDs and the book and I swear it's a big part of why I finally decided to do this, the man is a bloody genius. I'll be using his exercises every time a craving hits and I've put my faith in his techniques (besides, he says 'fuck' in the book and any hypnotist who's that real has GOT to be a winner)..

However, I openly admit that right now I'm talking a lot of shit and bravado. Right now it's not Father's Day and as I type this I've got a Marlboro Gold 100 hanging out of my mouth. It's easy to yap on about strength and will and the power of the mind when the deadline is 9 and a half hours from now. I admit it.

One friend told me I was out of my mind doing it all at once. Owning up to the bad shit I've done, a total diet overhaul, quitting smoking and dealing with Father's Day. I agree with him that yes, I am out of my mind but this is what I needed. I've always been an extremist and something about the hardcore do it all at once method appeals to me.

Tonight will be the first time in over 20 years I don't smoke a cigarette before going to sleep (except for the 8 weeks in Albany Med where they locked the doors at 9PM so the last cig had to be early). This is a hell of a thought. Tomorrow I will wake up a former smoker. I'll remember it's Father's Day and cry like a baby and then probably barf my brains out but I will not light a cigarette to deal with it. I'll tap and visualise and put Dr. McKenna's exercises to the test. I'll call on every ounce of my inner strength to pull me through.

I'm already worried I'm going to blow it and let my father down. This is a double edged sword. It's good in that it will keep me on the right track but it's bad because I miss him so fucken much.

This is going to be really hard and I'm openly admitting I'm going to need all the support I can get. I may get crazy now and then even though Dr. McKenna swears with his techniques I can control the crazies, he really puts a lot of emphasis on the power of the mind. But I know I need moral support and I will happily gobble up any and all words of support and kindness, not just tomorrow even though that's the really bad day.

Darkstar will be here tomorrow night until Thursday morning and as a serious ex-smoker I know his presence will be a big help. A huge help. So will all the friends who understand that it's possible to be insanely strong and intensely weak at the same time and who let me lean hard on them as they are needed now.

This one's even harder than getting off dialysis, I think this is the hardest challenge I've issued to myself since 1987. It terrifies me, it excites me, it makes me feel like I'm on the verge of something big.

To the people who read this, you are now granted the powers to judge me. I'm making some big claims here, if I blow it then you will all know I blew it and to me that's bad and another motivating factor. I don't want to look weak and I don't want to waste the support and the kindness and the cheering on.

So that's that. Happy Father's day, Dad. I hope you like your gift. Mind, you've been officially and publicly called out. Are you up to the challenge or will this be another one of your many grand plans that never come to fruition? Remember that end of the year list, mind?

"Screw it, let's do it." - Richard Branson