WebKittyn Warbles

I said I've been reflective lately, one of the things I've been thinking a lot about is my health. It's been three months without dialysis and with all the lovely side bonuses so I'm starting to adjust which leaves me more time to reflect.

My kidneys seems to be holding out at their 20%. I was supposed to go to the kidney dr. next week but who the hell wants the possibility of bad news the week before Christmas so I'm going to re-schedule for the week after.

The puking is pretty vile. On a good day it's only once, pretty soon after I wake up. It's not even normal puking but I'll save the graphics for another post behind a cut for the tender. On a bad day it can hit seven spew session in a few hours. I don't mind puking so much but it's painful and unpleasant and gross. Better than dialysis though.

The weakness is hard to beat. If they do have to give me another transfusion I want another 16 year old high school jock like the last one. I've got no iron and I'm not generating red blood cells and I'll be damned if they're going to give me Epo shots in my lower abdomen.

All in all though I refuse to complain. I can whine and grouse about having to puke everyday but a quick look back at where I was 6 months ago and it stops.

However, in my reflectiveness I've discovered anger.

I'm angry that it happened. I'm angry that the arrogance and bad judgment of one really bad hospital broke me for life. I'm angry that my right side and right half of my back are adorned with ugly scars from biopsies I didn't need. I'm angry that because one bad doctor decided I wasn't really sick and missed something as large as renal failure and now I can never have certainty back in my life. I have to spend the rest of my life living day to day hoping I maintain 20% and don't end up back on dialysis or on the transplant list and this makes me angry. I'm angry that ALL the signs were there - through the roof potassium, phosphorous and creatinine - and they still decided to take a chunk of my lung times two.

It sounds like self pity, it's not. I don't dwell in the anger and I'm not angry all the time but when it's quiet and I'm alone with my mind the anger pops in. Darkstar tells me to counter it with thoughts of large lawsuits in the process but that's hard for me to do. I'm still getting used to the fact that in a mere 12 months I spent 12 weeks in assorted hospitals, had 6 surgeries, 2 catheters in different places, one graft that still bothers me, 6 months of dialysis and the aftermath. I have a hard time believing people like me actually win large amounts of money, even if it is justified. That's my tendency to doubt myself.

I know I want to be ready for Everest just in case and I'm nowhere near ready. Even to make it to base camp requires a level of fitness I've never had in my life. Just in case miracles really can happen out of bad juju and I do win the lawsuit, I have to be ready. I can't spend a year fighting the lawsuit and then another year getting ready, I want to be ready for 2010.

I've talked about it with Darkstar, he and I have different ideas on it but we've gone over what I would do with money like that if it came my way. I'm not looking for fancy things (much to his chagrin), I have only two luxury items I would blow money on - three months at Everest base camp and a KMRL flag captured in a photo from the summit and a mid 80's Zimmer. I don't want a fancy car or a ginormous television.

I'd like to rent some sort of RV and travel for 3-4 months with no pre-planned destinations (other than Mississippi, northern New York and Mystic Seaport) and just go. Of course I don't want to have to drive the damn thing so there would be a need for a co-captain for the RV I would immediately name "Further" and seek out my own merry pranksters (Kesey fantasies, anyone?)

I want a house. I don't want to own a house, I'm not sure I want to stay up here. The area is changing up here and houses are going pretty cheap for rentals. I could get a 3 bedroom house with all the fun stuff for what was paid in Dobbs. I want to rent a house and be able to put a year's rent up front. I want to have the second year's rent and put it in some high yield 12 month something or other so it's there when I need it if I want to stay. I don't want to live alone, either. I want a house large enough where I can have a housemate or two and still have two rooms and a bathroom to myself, maybe a floor. Roommates would only have to pay half the utilities and cable or satellite and food however, in exchange for the sweet deal, said roommates get to clean the cat box and take out the garbage.

I want a car. Nothing fancy, I'd be happy with a new Jeep, the Zimmer for the nice weather and maybe finally I'd get my 70's era black Trans-Am with the gold eagle.

I have people I want to do things for, give things to, repay for their kindness.

It does help to counter the anger but it just seems pointless like planning how to spend lottery winnings you don't have. I know people who have won really large amounts of money in malpractice suits but that's them and not me, ya know?

It's still fun to think about though. Better than reading all the nasty side-effects of different anti-rejection drugs they test you on post transplant.

I have no idea what lies ahead, I'm not allowed the peace of mind of knowing what lies ahead but I'm going to make the most of 2009, that much I do know.

And hopefully I can quell some of the anger and leave that behind in 2008 as well.