WebKittyn Warbles
Monday, December 29, 2008
Learning How to Deal or the Lack Thereof
"I don't think I'm long for this world." This is what I heard today when I went out to get my dad his lunch.
I haven't talked much about any of the stuff with my dad, as much as they're appreciated, I just can't handle the hugs and the shows of support right now. I'm really having a harder time with this than I thought I would, I'm not sure what I was expecting.
I am deeply grateful for the simple fact that he made it home at all and I've had almost six months of him here but it's getting harder and there are things I have to come to terms with and accept and prepare for as much as humanly possible.
I don't think he's going to die on me this week, that's not where I'm going at all. It's just not getting any better and as much as it kills me to say it, I don't know how much time he's got left.
It's the hardest thing I have ever done to step in as caretaker for an aging and ailing parent. There are a lot of things I didn't think about before and I'm having a lot of problems dealing with. Double this with my own condition and it gets tenuous. If my blood pressure spikes too high again it's over for me. If I go back on dialysis I'm not coming off, the next step is transplant.
He doesn't have Alzheimer's but his mind is not what it was. His long term memory is fine but short term is shot and sometimes he flares for no reason and gets really nasty. He won't remember it 10 minutes later but I've already fled to the living room in tears no one sees. There are times it's like I resent him for not being the dad he used to be and I know that's crazy and irrational on my part but the feelings come and go as they wish. I don't even know if resent is the right word for it but I get strong negative feelings and I know it's normal, it's my head rebelling against the decline of the strongest man I've ever known but how do you control it, ya know?
The breathing is beating him down. He's wearing down and it shows and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do with his paralysed diaphragm. He'll walk from the den to the bedroom and his oxygen level plummets into the 50's and he has to puff it back up. He's just not doing well.
And then sometimes he's fine. I'll go out to the den to check on him and the mind is alert and he's my dad again. If I were a half-full person I would be happy for these lucid awake moments and cherish them but I'm not. I come in here and cry because I know they're getting further apart.
There's nothing anyone can do for me either. No one can give me any magic pills or advice on how to deal with all of it and I don't want any pills. I know I have to come to terms with what is and what's happening and what time I've got left and my new role as co-caretaker somehow. I just don't know how.
What I wouldn't mind if anyone knows of such a site, are communities or sites where other adult children have returned home and learned to cope while awaiting the inevitable unpleasant long-term end.
I'm not saying the support of those around me doesn't help, it does. I just can't handle people feeling sorry for me, I got that enough with 12 weeks in and out of hospitals and having kidney failure so young. It is what it is and this is my path now so I've got to figure out how to deal.
I kept thinking on Christmas that this was going to be the last Ives family Christmas with an intact family. Not drama stuff, not overdoing stuff, just an instinctive hunch based on what I see. How the fuck do you deal with that, how do you get up every day and put on the smile and go about your daily business with shit like that in your head? That's what I need to learn. I need to learn to control my emotions and not feel the anger or the resentment, I need to learn to accept.
But how, she asks. But how.
One thing I'm doing is shutting myself off from all negativity from outside sources. I can't handle negative people or situations right now. Be it the station, the MUDs, facebook, real world friends - I'm backing away. I've GOT to watch my own health and I'm not doing the best job with that either so the negative people and things are getting left in 2008.
I'm a mess, I'm a big fucken mess and I'm clueless.
But I needed to write this, I needed to have it out there. I really would appreciate any site suggestions or any advice from anyone who's been there with a super close relative of their own.
I haven't talked much about any of the stuff with my dad, as much as they're appreciated, I just can't handle the hugs and the shows of support right now. I'm really having a harder time with this than I thought I would, I'm not sure what I was expecting.
I am deeply grateful for the simple fact that he made it home at all and I've had almost six months of him here but it's getting harder and there are things I have to come to terms with and accept and prepare for as much as humanly possible.
I don't think he's going to die on me this week, that's not where I'm going at all. It's just not getting any better and as much as it kills me to say it, I don't know how much time he's got left.
It's the hardest thing I have ever done to step in as caretaker for an aging and ailing parent. There are a lot of things I didn't think about before and I'm having a lot of problems dealing with. Double this with my own condition and it gets tenuous. If my blood pressure spikes too high again it's over for me. If I go back on dialysis I'm not coming off, the next step is transplant.
He doesn't have Alzheimer's but his mind is not what it was. His long term memory is fine but short term is shot and sometimes he flares for no reason and gets really nasty. He won't remember it 10 minutes later but I've already fled to the living room in tears no one sees. There are times it's like I resent him for not being the dad he used to be and I know that's crazy and irrational on my part but the feelings come and go as they wish. I don't even know if resent is the right word for it but I get strong negative feelings and I know it's normal, it's my head rebelling against the decline of the strongest man I've ever known but how do you control it, ya know?
The breathing is beating him down. He's wearing down and it shows and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do with his paralysed diaphragm. He'll walk from the den to the bedroom and his oxygen level plummets into the 50's and he has to puff it back up. He's just not doing well.
And then sometimes he's fine. I'll go out to the den to check on him and the mind is alert and he's my dad again. If I were a half-full person I would be happy for these lucid awake moments and cherish them but I'm not. I come in here and cry because I know they're getting further apart.
There's nothing anyone can do for me either. No one can give me any magic pills or advice on how to deal with all of it and I don't want any pills. I know I have to come to terms with what is and what's happening and what time I've got left and my new role as co-caretaker somehow. I just don't know how.
What I wouldn't mind if anyone knows of such a site, are communities or sites where other adult children have returned home and learned to cope while awaiting the inevitable unpleasant long-term end.
I'm not saying the support of those around me doesn't help, it does. I just can't handle people feeling sorry for me, I got that enough with 12 weeks in and out of hospitals and having kidney failure so young. It is what it is and this is my path now so I've got to figure out how to deal.
I kept thinking on Christmas that this was going to be the last Ives family Christmas with an intact family. Not drama stuff, not overdoing stuff, just an instinctive hunch based on what I see. How the fuck do you deal with that, how do you get up every day and put on the smile and go about your daily business with shit like that in your head? That's what I need to learn. I need to learn to control my emotions and not feel the anger or the resentment, I need to learn to accept.
But how, she asks. But how.
One thing I'm doing is shutting myself off from all negativity from outside sources. I can't handle negative people or situations right now. Be it the station, the MUDs, facebook, real world friends - I'm backing away. I've GOT to watch my own health and I'm not doing the best job with that either so the negative people and things are getting left in 2008.
I'm a mess, I'm a big fucken mess and I'm clueless.
But I needed to write this, I needed to have it out there. I really would appreciate any site suggestions or any advice from anyone who's been there with a super close relative of their own.
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