WebKittyn Warbles

So where were we? Oh yah, that's right, We had just figured out I make a crapload of mistakes. It's all got me thinking though and I suppose that's a good thing.

I really have to send mega props out to my friends who have stuck with me over the past three years. I hardly knew the person I became and I'm damn lucky I didn't alienate or chase away every close friend I had. There were a few casualties and I genuinely regret those, when you lose a member of your inner circle it's definitely a loss. I'm lucky I have the ones who rode the train with me through Crazyville. I think we can all safely get off the train now.

I can honestly say it's taken me three years to finally and fully come to terms with everything. It's a long time but it's not too long when you consider I had to deal with going from healthy to end stage kidney failure due to no fault of mine immediately followed by the death of my father. It changes people. I didn't want to accept any of it so instead I pushed away or froze out the people closest to me when they tried to offer support or words of kindness. Acknowledging it made it all real and I desperately wanted to live in denial. I couldn't explain it at the time as I didn't even know what my problem was but I get it now.

I've still got a long way to go but I'm out of the dark period. Scarred and wounded and changed for life but stronger. I think. I've come to terms with the kidneys. It's a pain in the ass having to deal with the throwing up and the bad days but there are an equal number of good days. I've started working out and eating better and working on getting my ass in shape so I can go play cougar and that helps the overall kidney health. I'll know more mid July when the major test results come back. I've come to accept that I have this flaw now and those close to me have been saints about it and have stopped walking on eggshells in what they say. They let me cry when the frustration takes over and don't judge.

I'm still not okay with my dad's death. I'm comforted knowing I'll finally be going to the gravesite soon but also terrified. I don't know if it's going to help me or make me stroke out on the spot. While I can't say I've learned how to deal with his being gone, I've learned to accept his being gone. I can talk about him and think about him and remember the good times now without bawling my eyes out and that's huge. He'll be my biggest motivation to quit smoking, he was so proud of me the first time I did it.

I've spent the past two years digging myself deep into a hole and not caring. Not wanting to go out or do anything social, not caring when people went in and out of my life, not caring if I was self-sabotaging myself mentally and physically with what I was eating, not wanting to change or do anything, not wanting to accept that my life had changed so fucken completely and I had absolutely no say in it. A lot of wallowing in self pity and alienating everyone who tried to get close.

Facebook actually helped a lot. Re-connecting with so so so many people made me re-think my hermit life choice. These are the people that have known me forever, long before there were kidney problems and pretty much any problems. It made me realise just how many people I've crossed paths with from so many different areas (MUDs, three different camps, growing up in Mt. Vernon, Riverdale, Thornton-Donovan, Mercy, Pat's, the CB, ex boyfriends and lovers, etc) and to them it was like there were no changes. I think I began to understand it wasn't too late when the same people I spent so much time with still wanted to be friends, to hang out, to tryst, to just talk.

Somewhere along the way I stopped letting all that happened to me define me. I remembered I was a person with so much more to me than broken kidneys and a gut-tearing sadness over the loss of my dad. Somewhere along the way I stopped playing ice queen and decided it was okay to let people in and be honest and open with what I'm feeling, even when it's sad or makes me look weak. I have real issues admitting weakness to people, I always have. I've always had control of my life, to completely lose all control over my circumstances wrecked me.

I've been noticing the small changes lately. I've been smiling more. I genuinely felt like a real shithead for the things I talked about in my mea culpa post. I'm picking up the phone when people call instead of looking at it when it rings. I'm answering IMs and find myself wanting to talk to people. The pills the stomach doctor gave me have cut the throwing up way way way down and I find I have a bit of energy these days. I hit the food store tonight and it was all healthy, good for me food. I'm pushing myself as much as the kidneys will allow and then a little more when it comes to exercise. I'm finding myself making definite plans for Fall that do NOT include sitting in the house or declining invitations to go out.

I'm waking up not hating the fact that it's a new day and honestly, it's been a long time since I've felt that. I've re-discovered my laugh and my sense of humour that doesn't involve cutting other people down because I'm fucken miserable. I've become very open with the mistakes I've made and the stupid choices I made.

It's not all puppies and peaches, don't get me wrong. I still get hit with massive waves of sadness out of nowhere over my dad and cry like a baby. I still get emotional (even though I know it's partially the toxins messing with the emotions) after a nasty throw up session, the reality of impending kidney transplants is daunting and sometimes it terrifies me. The difference is now I don't keep it to myself and turn my back to the people who truly care and truly want to be a part of my life even if involves talk of violent throwing up and debates over whether refusing dialysis is suicide or not. I walk into the arms of those who care instead of running the other way. That's a huge huge HUGE change.

I can't do it alone. I get that now. I'm strong, I'm one of the strongest mental people I know. This doesn't mean I can do this alone and it doesn't mean I have to be strong all the time. It's okay to lose it now and then and cry and let someone else be the strong one. It's okay to be imperfect and screwed up.

I haven't made it easy for a lot of people over the past couple of years, I can only thank them all a gazillion times for seeing something in me I didn't see and not giving up on me. I can only hope that the changes I feel going on are enough that these people know I am fully aware of what it's been like being a part of Heather's world for the past three years. I can only hope the invitations don't stop coming as it won't be long before I surprise you people with a yes.

It's all fucken weird. I'm not "WebKittyn" anymore, that was the person I was before any of this happened. I'm not the miserable hermit I've been for the past three years. I'm not sure I know myself now and Christ does that sound like corny psychobabble twaddle but it's true. A lot of me is still the same but so much isn't. I think I'm liking the evolution, I think I've been a nicer, more open and accessible person lately who accepts concern and emotion from others. I've got a long way to go before I'm satisfied with myself but it's not a solitary journey anymore. I know I've got a lot to work on, I'm actually looking forward to whatever comes next.

Life really is ever-changing, isn't it. Here's to the next stage and admitting/accepting it all, the good AND the bad. And doing it with people who really care. I'll get there, I have a hunch.

"The casement window blows open. The nightmare has eluded the guards. It's over the spiked wall and it's in here with you. The lights go out. The temperature drops sharply. The bones in your body sigh. You're all alone with it. Circling with your back to the wall. Hey, don't be a nasty little coward; face it and disembowel it. You've got time. You've always had time, but the fear slowed you, and you were overcome. But this is the hour that stretches...and you've got a chance. After all, it's only your consciense come to kill you. Stop shivering and put up your dukes. You might beat it this time, now that you know you have some breathing space. For in this special hour anything that has ever happened will happen again. Except, this time it's turn to risk it all."