WebKittyn Warbles

It's almost here. My declared day to quit smoking. It was a lot easier when I came up with the idea in January. Now that it's two days away it's scaring the crap out of me.

This is the first time I've ever been serious about quitting and making it a promise to Claude on Claude's day sealed me into this contract.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it.

I'm good at things, I'm good at making things happen. I don't know if I can make this happen or not.

I've been smoking for 20+ years, cigarettes have become such a part of my day to day. What the Hell am I going to do with the time that was usually spent smoking? That cigarette before bed that relaxes me, what am I supposed to do with those 10-15 minutes? That crutch that's been there for me through all the crap I've had tossed my way, what am I going to do when the shit hits the fan and I'm tweaking? I'm going to wake up in the morning and reach for that cigarette, it's become mechanical.

I don't want to eat small nations. I can't get to Everest if I'm too fat to cross a ladder so the consuming of small nations is out of the question.

I'm going with the patch, the Nicoderm CQ. I've had a lot of recommendations and I think the patch seems the best for me. The lozenge and gum aren't enough and I'm not sure chewing nicotine gum is what I want to do. I don't want to take prescription pills, those who know me know my stance on pills. I'm not strong enough to do it cold turkey on my own and I don't want a support group.

I'm terrified. I think I'm angst-ing more over quitting than I will be over not smoking when I go into this. Why did I have to promise Claude? I picked up his urn, I cried, I looked dead into his eyes in the picture and I promised him I would quit on the 7th. Very little truly scares me, this scares me. If I blow this I've let more than just myself down. Templeton too. No one in the world could love this brain-damaged little cat as much as his mama. He needs me, I need him.

I need to do this, I have to do this. Not just to get to Base Camp, it's only a matter of time before I end up with oxygen tubing and damage I can't reverse.

But cigarettes and Heatherlyn have been such good friends for so very long, I can't even close my eyes and imagine myself a non-smoker. I want to but every time I close my eyes there's that cigarette hanging out of my mouth.

People keep telling me they know I can do it and I appreciate the supportive words but I'm not so sure. I'm just not sure I can do it. Have I mentioned I'm scared in the past 4 minutes? No? I'm freakin' terrified.

I don't want to become one of those nutty ex-smokers. I don't care if people want to smoke and I'd like to get to a point where it doesn't make me want to jump up and snatch the thing from their lips. I'd like a lot of things.

I haven't been tested with anything really harsh in a long time, I think I've gotten soft. There have been plenty of small challenges and minor victories but this is something huge and I can see the dancing Parliaments in my head already, all circling me a la Stephen King singing 'smoke me, smoke me..'

I don't want to be a failure. I don't like failing. I failed at more in 2006 than usual and it reminded me how freakin' much I hate failing. I don't want to fail at this, I can't fail at this. But I'm weak. I'm weak and I'm spineless and my ass is owned by the cigarettes, I am totally their bitch.

I thought getting the Golden Carrot out of my head 24/7 was hard to do, this is killing me already and I'm sitting here smoking as I type this and for whatever reason, crying.

It's a good thing to get rid of a bad part of yourself, a bad thing you've attached to yourself and allowed to become a part of your identity. How many forms have I filled out where I checked 'yes' to 'are you a smoker?' It all changes, I change. I change the person I've become, the person I've pretty much come to like and get along with.

I know people who have quit and succeeded, I know more people who have quit temporarily and gone back. If I go through with this I don't ever want to go back.

I never tried coke or mushrooms or any of the 'hard' drugs because I know I have an addictive personality and I was afraid I'd get hooked on one try. Now here's this addictive personality trying to ditch a 20+ year addiction without picking up any new ones in exchange.

What sucks is I like smoking. I like the way the cigarette feels in my hand. I like the way I inhale and it fills my lungs. I like the perceived security it gives me. I like the perceived relaxation it gives me.

I don't like not being able to walk 10 feet without coughing. I don't like the way my chest feels when I take a deep breath. It used to make me sick to my stomach at myself when I would hug Claude and his fur smelled like smoke. I don't like the way it makes the house smell or the walls look. I don't like thinking that 10 years from now I could easily be dying by my own hand. I don't like feeling like I'm 80 years old.

The bad out-weighs the good by so much and so we quit. It's as much because I have to as because I want to and I can't help but second-guess my motives. I know I could get to Everest if I really pull this off, I know exactly where the money would come from and the person who wouldn't think twice about celebrating my victory by sending me to Everest. So I think about Everest when my mind starts to wander but then there it is! That image of me at Base Camp doing what? Smoking a cigarette!

The mental end scares me as well. What am I going to turn into? I'm already an overly emotional person, what sort of blathering basket case am I going to turn into when I start this? How many heads am I going to bite off and how many people will I manage to piss off or alienate in my insanity? Will I be able to recognise that my shrewish screeching at some poor victim is because I'm not smoking? Shit, I have no clue. I can't expect people to walk on eggshells around me just because I've decided to quit smoking but what if I go even more psycho-bitch than I already am...

I haven't been this scared since the fire that burned our building and all we owned and left us homeless.

I have a million sites I haven't finished. I can't imagine myself sitting at the machine putting sites together without a cigarette, most of my smoking is done when diddling domains. What the Hell am I going to do instead, what the Hell am I going to use as a substitute?

Three days left of my love affair with the parliament 100, how close we've become. How intimate we are, how familiar you feel.

I don't know if I have what it takes to do this.