WebKittyn Warbles

The Ballad of Bruce Whine (or Dude, Your Show SUCKED)

2010-08-25T05:58:00-05:00

Come on in, sit down and grab a drink and a nibbly. I have a story to tell. It might get a bit long, it might not always be entertaining but overall it's not the worst of stories and when it's over you can sit back and say "man am I glad I'm not this buttmunch." We'll call our little story "The Ballad of Bruce Whine."

Those of you not in the know, please allow me a little background. Darkstar, Deathsquad, Meathe and I own a happy little internet radio station. While we don't claim to be anything special, we are legal and artists get paid their royalties and it costs us a fair amount each month to run. While we don't take it as seriously as we probably should, we do have a modicum of standard in who and what we put on the air. Lately we've had hardware issues and haven't really been up and running but that's a whole other story. We're in the past in our little story here.

We've had many on-air hosts come and go in the 4 years we've been around. Some left on good terms, some on not so good terms. Some, like AKA Monty, moved on to bigger and better venues and now have really popular shows. Some, like PatrickD, the Bear, Hecubus, Johnnie Generic and Kineada are always welcome back at KMRL should they get the want to broadcast again.

Some are just shitheads.

Speaking of shitheads... One of these former on-air hosts had some pretty nasty shit to spew today and if you know me you know I'm not one to take shit quietly. I don't do quiet, if you want quiet go start shit with someone else.

We had an 'on-air talent' (I use quotes as that's a mis-label and from hereon he shall be referred to as 'no talent hack') that we put on basically as an act of charity. A downtrodden soul who, due to his own arrogance and inability to get along with homosapiens, found himself ousted from a lucrative vocation he made good money at and met some friends. He's a big of an odd duck, stuck in old television cop shows and movies and not a very social fellow. It was more than a vocation, it was a lifestyle and he lost a lot when he lost it, even if it was his fault.

People went to bat for him. People took pity on his high level of the pathetic factor and went to bad for him. People within the company who had pull tried their hardest to save his soul but it was lost to arrogance and stubbornness and that cursed inability to co-exist with homosapiens.

Time went on for our sadsack, he found a few other jobs but somehow always seemed to either get canned or leave within the first few months (or was it weeks).. Never his fault, mind you, always the fault of someone out to get him or someone didn't like him or it just wasn't working.

Somewhere along the way, one of the elves suggested that perhaps a radio show would be a good thing for this lonesome loser. It's fun to get on the air and talk about whatever you want. It's a good feeling to see people coming to your chatroom and wanting to hear what you have to say. Not that it's a needed form of validation but it's a good feeling.

We the owners were dubious. Yes, he is of standard intelligence and can be funny when the mood is full on the third Saturday of every other month but is he radio material? Why not, let's give the schmoe a chance.

And thus the era of Bruce Whine was borne unto KMRL.

I'm an honest woman. I can admit when I've made a mistake. I know when I'm wrong. Man was I wrong and this was one hell of a mistake.

The reign of ineptitude and attitude lasted 26 weeks, that's half a year. I give myself and everyone else credit for putting up with him and it for half a year. It was a painful half a year.

I have an initial email I send to all new hosts, it's a pretty complete set of instructions on how to do a live show. Combined with access to the DJ forums, it's never been a problem. Until this lad. It just did not click. He took no time to practise, didn't feel the need to try and work on things and week after week it was the same stupid mistakes.

Not to mention the same music. Now I happen to enjoy the soundtrack to "The Big Chill" but not everyone does, particularly people under 40. Yet there it was week after week along with the same 4 or 5 Billy Joel songs. Every week. Over and over.

Along with the ineptitude came the attitude. He insisted he was 'professional' even though the station was 'just a hobby.' He refused to alter his format when reminded he had been brought on to do a pop culture TALK SHOW, not an oldies music show. He came into other shows' chatrooms and called the host 'boring' during the show. He refused to post in the forums and mocked posting in the blog even though it's the only rule we really have. He had NO LISTENERS that the owners didn't drag in kicking and screaming or who showed up because they felt bad for him.

In 26 weeks he did 13 complete shows and either bailed on the other 13 at the last moment or didn't bother to do any prepping and had "PC issues" causing the show to end 15 minutes after it started. He came on drunk one night and couldn't work winamp.

He had to go. $200 a month is too much for some clown to come along and make us look like we suck more than we do. Believe it or not, people pay for ad space, who the hell wants ad space on a babbling moron who can't work a computer's show???

He was removed and apparently had been harboring one hell of a grudge since then and I'm tired of it and I'm calling you on your bullshit, Mr. Bruce Fucken Whine. Your blog posts are all still there, your crap schedule is at the bottom of this post. You call yourself professional, no wonder no place is rushing to hire you.

You whine it's KMRL that did something to you, just like the two jobs YOU BOMBED OUT OF. Did it ever occur to you, even for a fucken nanosecond, that the problem lives inside of your head? 7000 interviews and no takers and let's face it, you fucked yourself out of the chances your friends set up for you. But it's us. It's the rest of the world out to screw poor your out of everything.

He devolved into a vile little thing who thought nothing of sharing personal business with co-workers of people, begruding gifts bequested by those recently passed on, putting a value only on those who will do for him or give him stuff.

He claims I am jealous of a former FM DJ he spends his time sucking up to. I hung out with Sean Hannity and Phil Boyce but I'm going to be jealous of a person I've never even heard of and I grew up on NY radio?? Hardly.

I do on occasion snark when I see him going out of his way to promote this place yet never once have I ever seen him promote KMRL, even when he was on KMRL. He claims to be close friends with one current and two former hosts but he never did a thing to promote them. He's never once re-posted any of Darkstar's show posts on FB.

I found this bothersome so I commented and was barraged with all of the above bullshit and more. Don't play those fucken games with me, I don't have the time to deal with asshats with attitudes. Your show sucked, your attitude sucked, your commitment sucked and your personality aint so fucken shiny either. I don't know how even you can twist facts to make it that we screwed you but shit dude, you screwed us every time you clicked broadcast.

And while I'm at it, why the fuck would we ask you to be on for the Blogathon? Did you even know Jeff? We didn't ask anyone, Hecubus was kind enough to offer his time, as was Darkstar. Did you want an engraved invitation?

Your own friends who have known you longer than a few months have tossed up their hands in frustration and walked away. Some can see the user you've become, the 'do for me or you have no value' that rules your life. Some can see that you're never going to change your situation because you're never going to look inside yourself and change YOU.

I was one of the first people to respond every time you posted some wallowing self piteous bit of tripe, I was right there with support and good words. Little did I know you were harboring this childish grudge and making lies of how things really went down.

I'm done, I'm done giving a shit what happens to you or your situation. Just add me to the list of people who simply don't care anymore and probably would have helped you out if you weren't such a raging dickhead.

You'll tire this new crowd out sooner or later as well. I'd bet the ranch on it. It's just who you are.

So you go piss off now, go whine to the world about how unfair it is and how everyone's out to get you and the big S ruined your life and wal-mart won't hire you and you're too chickenshit to drive a car so you can deliver pizza so everyone should give you stuff. I won't be listening to it anymore.

Asshole.

You sucked. Your show sucked. You have the personality of fucken newt.

Over and done.

Complete KMRL schedule, can anyone see why this fucktard doesn't have a job?

09/16/08 - First Show
09/23/08 - Did Show
09/30/08 - No Show, "PC Problems"

10/07/08 - Came on late and drunk, cut out early
10/14/08 - Did less than half a show before PC crapped out
10/20/08 - Filled in for Kineada
10/21/08 - Did Show
10/28/08 - Did Show

11/03/08 - No Show, had company
11/09/08 - Moved to Sunday after the Bear, did show
11/16/08 - Did Show
11/23/08 - Did Show
11/30/08 - Did Show

12/07/08 - No Show, he felt sick
12/14/08 - No Show, "PC Problems"
12/21/08 - Did Show
12/28/08 - Did Show

01/4/09 - Covered Bear's show but left after and didn't do his own
01/11/09 - No Show, down to "Gotham" for free drinks
01/18/09 - Did Show
01/25/09 - Did about 30 minutes before show crapped out over "PC Problems and Pop Ups"
01/27/09 - Covered my Show

02/01/09 - Did Show
02/08/09 - No Show, "PC Problems"
02/15/09 - No Show, "PC Problems"
02/23/09 - Did Show

03/04/09 - No Show, "PC Problems"
03/11/09 - Did Show
03/18/09 - No Show, he was depressed

3 Cover shows
26 regular weeks: 13 complete shows, 13 either no-shows or half shows

Remembering the Great Catsby Once Again

2010-08-21T05:52:00-05:00

(repost from last year, it said all I needed to say)

~~Two~~ Three years ago ~~yesterday~~ today our sweet little kitten died. His name was the Great Catsby and he never had a chance. He was pulled from his mother too young, dumped in a cage and left to sit day after day in the litterbox with no one caring. They lied about how old he was and disregarded the fact that he needed to be in an experienced foster home for a few weeks and let him be adopted.

We only had him a week. He was loved, he was held, he was given toys and lots of pets. He loved to sit in my lap and catch the sun. The day before he got sick he was trying to steal my Doritos.

He collapsed and never came back. Official diagnosis was ‘fading kitten syndrome’ but I never really accepted that. The shelter did him wrong, the first vet did him wrong and took him off the fluids.

He was just a kitten and it was only a week but I loved him dearly and I still cry when I think of him, I still feel like I failed him too. I had him cremated and his ashes are in a tiny blue marble urn next to my bed by Claude.

I loved you, Catsby. I just wanted to say you are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.

Even though three years have passed I still cry on occasion when I look at the urn or these pictures of him with Tempy. Little guy really got to me. Much love, Catsby.

Five Year with my Best Friend

2010-07-09T05:32:00-05:00

It was five years ago today Darkstar rescued two drowning kittens outside of his store. It was raining heavily and they were in some drainage pipe or something. The water was filling up and the mother cat was trying to rescue them but there were too many and one was stuck on the fence (it was cutting into him). Mama cat made off with a kitten in her mouth and Darkstar went and saved the other two and brought them home.

One was healthy and full of energy and one was badly BADLY cut on his head and side. They were both about 4-5 weeks. We took them to the vet where the girl was declared fit and the boy was declared in bad shape. We took them home and Darkstar talked me into keeping the sick male, a scrawny half-dead grey and white thing. I wanted the girl, she looked like Claude but Darkstar convinced me and I trusted his instinct. Our friend Bob and his wife are cat people and they offered to take the girl into their home.

We moved a mattress out of the guestroom and plopped it in the middle of the living room floor next to the small litterbox. He made himself a home inside this cat condo we had and didn't move much. I had to give him 3 types of medication three times a day along with feeding him some milk stuff through a dropper and calorie paste. He would spend all day in that thing just peering at me until he'd wobble out to eat or use the box. His side was really gashed and his head was badly cut, it had to be god-awful painful.

Eventually he started to heal, it took about a month but he started to mend. He would let me hold him when he'd come out and he moved easier. I played mother cat, I actually licked his head and purred into his fur when I held him and I talked to him constantly.

We kept the mattress in the middle of the living room for three full months. I slept there nightly with the little guy and by the end of the third month he was sleeping with me. He started to play and run but he loved to hide in strange holes like a rat. He would hide from Darkstar and I'd go out there and call 'kitten kitten kitten' and out would pop this little grey head. Since he acted so much like a rat I decided to name him Templeton because I loved Charlotte's Web but even more I loved Paul Lynde's Templeton the rat. So he officially became Templeton the Rat Cat.

Over the past five years he's grown into a fat happy beast who has been there for me through every one of my most trying times. He helped me through the loss of Claude, my first cat. He helped me through losing the Great Catsby who I tried so hard to save. When my dad first got sick it was his fur I cried into at night begging the fates to make my dad better. When I went in the hospital I had his picture everywhere and I thought about going home to my Tempy. When my father died it was once again his fur that was saturated with tears, I think I almost drowned him. He's helped me accept the deaths of two people in my age range, one of whom was a very dear friend. When I get sad about the kidney failure or get to missing my dad he's right there making that 'wempy' noise he makes and licking my nose. I guess he's taking care of me.

My friend James said the other day how people who don't own pets just don't get it. He's right. Tempy isn't a pet. I have no children (my choice) and while I recognise the difference between a baby and a kitten, he IS my child. Out of the four cats, he's my alpha and my very best friend. I don't know what the past five years would have been like without Tempy, particularly the last two with all the sickness, death and sadness.

Darkstar had no idea he was bringing a feline saviour into the house that night five years ago but he did and every day even at my worst I remember to say thank you to Tempy for coming into my life.

Here's to the next five years, my fat grey alpha. You are my Tempy.

The little guy, hiding in his rat hole.

The big guy, the love of my life.

Blogathon Unofficial 101 - How it All Works

2010-07-07T05:40:00-05:00

1. What is a pledge?

A pledge is a promise that if I (or your chosen blogger) makes the full 24 hours, you will donate a certain amount to the charity. The pledge is NOT monetary, it is promissary and goes to the blogger so they may keep a tally of how much they have raised.

2. Where do I pledge since there is no official site?

You send an email to webkittyn@webkittynwarbles.com (that's me!) and let me know how much you can donate to Guiding Eyes for the Blind if I make the 24 hours.

There is also a "Pledge here" link on my blog that will open the email for you to make your pledge. I try to make it easy.

3. What happens after it's over?

Usually the Blogathon people send out an email to the people who have pledged to let them know their blogger finished the 24 hours. This year I will be doing this myself, another reason I ask for the email pledge. When I complete the 24 hours, all my sponsors will be notified.

4. Who gets the money?

Guiding Eyes for the Blind gets every penny. The email I send you when the Blogathon is over will include both the direct online donation link and mailing address for donations for Guiding Eyes for the Blind. Not one cent is to go to me or ANY blogger. This is about a cause, not the self.

5. How will you know if payment is made?

I won't unless you are willing to send me the thank you note you will get from Guiding Eyes for the Blind. It's all done on the honour system, no one is going to be knocking on your door to collect the pledged money. It's your karma.

6. Can I skip the pledge and donate directly?

Of course. It would be nice if you would forward me the thank you so I may add it to my tally but that's not necessary. Pledging is just a way for the blogger to feel good about what they're doing, it's not a requirement.

7. Do you have any special requests?

I do. On the donation form there is a slot to make your donation in memory of a person whose name you put in. I ask that you put Jeffrey Dunn in there so the people at Guiding Eyes can know how many people cared about what Jeff did.

8. Will you entertain me for my money?

I'll try. I shall attempt to be witty in my writings, I don't plan in advance, I just go with it. My mother will probably guest post and I've asked Darkstar to stay home that night and do a special radio show to keep the blood pumping so I shall do my darndest to earn your money.

9. This is legit, right?

Yes it is. The official Blogathon has been mentioned on MSNBC and has raised great amounts of money for the different caused people choose. The only difference this year is we're doing it on our own because we just can't not do it.

10. Why Guiding Eyes for the Blind?

Because it was a part of Jeff that he loved dearly and this would make him happy. His friends miss him a hell of a lot, it's not often there actually IS something you can do.

Blogathon 2010 - This One’s for Jeff Dunn and the Dogs

2010-07-07T04:33:00-05:00

So it seems the official Blogathon team had to take this year off. Kinda sucks, this was an important year for me and the first time the 'thon really felt personal. I decided I would do the 24 hours anyway and lo and behold, others have also jumped on the bandwagon and there will be some sort of unofficial Blogathon going on this year.

There probably won't be any fancy pledge site like there usually is but it's all about the honour system anyway so it can still happen in a big way and make a difference.

My dear friend Jeff Dunn passed away on June 22nd. I've known Jeff since 1984 and he was truly an inspiration in so many ways. Having beat cancer as a very young child, Jeff grew up blind but he never let it stop him. There wasn't an ounce of self pity in Jeff's body and he did more than many sighted people (his word) that I've known.

Somewhere along the way Jeff hooked up with a wonderful place called Guiding Eyes for the Blind. In their own words:

Guiding Eyes is dedicated to enriching the lives of blind and visually impaired men and women by providing them with the freedom to travel safely, thereby assuring greater independence, dignity and new horizons of opportunity.

This place is so much more than just a school to get a dog. It's a community full of caring people from the people who raise the puppies to the trainers to the administrative staff. In fact, they've recently added a new program for children with autism, further testament to the dedication of this place to making the quality of life better for people who truly need and deserve it.

Guiding Eyes became a second home for Jeff. He took on a position there and worked fiendishly to bring computer accessibility to those who didn't have it. He was an expert in all things technical and had a true passion for bringing the online world to everyone who wanted it. He was a mentor and a beacon of hope and strength for so many people and his spirit never failed to touch anyone he came into contact with.

The world lost a shining star when Jeff died but he didn't want people to mourn him. That wasn't Jeff.

In lieu of flowers, his family asked for donations to be made to Guiding Eyes for the Blind and I can't think of a better way to honour my friend, first computer guru and inspiration than to dedicate this year's Blogathon to him.

The Blogathon will be held on July 31st beginning at 9AM. I will be posting once ever 30 minutes for 24 hours and will include an anecdote or story or quote about Jeff at the end of each entry as I have asked those who knew him to send me their memories.

This is all happening quickly and sort of haphazard with the announcement of no 'official' Blogathon. I don't even have an icon yet and nothing on my sidebar but that will pop up in a day or so.

Now I ask you to for your pledge. Don't worry, I'll be pestering you a whole lot more as it gets closer but all I'm asking for is an email sent to me with a pledge for an amount.

If you don't want to pledge, if you don't want to wait to see if I make the 24 hours or not, that's fine. You can go directly to their website and donate here.

If you choose the second option, I ask this of you.. On the donation form is a section to make the donation in memory of someone. I ask that you put Jeffrey Dunn's name in there. Then I ask you to forward to me the thank you email you will receive from Guiding eyes so I can add it to my ongoing tally as I will have to keep track of it myself this year.

No amount is too small, I know money is tough. This is something truly worthwhile though and Jeff Dunn was really a special person. Dig into your hearts and your pockets and make a pledge. Anonymous is fine, I don't have to know who you are.

This one's for you, Jeff. I miss you.

Oh Hell No

2010-06-04T22:53:00-05:00

H:

Hi. I know you read my journal as he's referenced that fact once or twice, so I figure this'll be a good place to start, where you can find it without me forcing myself into your space. I know you two have been talking again lately. I know you're poking at him wondering what's going on. I know you're still interested. I know he's working his own stuff out. I don't know where things between you two will go, but I think there are some things you should know going in so that you, too, can make an informed decision.

What I don't need is some ego crazy bitch telling me what I need. My space? Honey, you can't fit that big ass of yours in my space. If you were really interested in your 'good' intent it would have been email, not there for attention seeking purposes.

First, I suspect the above says something about how much he and I are communicating. It's really important right now. Well, it's important all the time, but it feels more so right now given that, for a little while there, we weren't communicating much at all. He was hiding you from me, which isn't good. He was just plain hiding. You were his escape when we fell into a rut and depression was eating us both up, when he was feeling there was no way out of the hole we kept on digging for ourselves. But really, just because you were an escape doesn't mean that there aren't real feelings there. I can't speak his heart, but I do know you've always filled a niche I don't. I'm okay with that. I'm NOT okay with him hiding you, though. So that's something you need to keep in mind if you're pursuing a relationship with him: he's keeping me informed. This is very, very important to the health of our relationship, to the health of any relationship. There isn't going to be any sneaking, and there won't be any secrets. That said, just because I know he's talking with you, that you make him happy, doesn't mean he's going to tell me every little thing you're talking about. It's not the substance of what you're sharing that's important, but knowing that it's going on. That's all I need. It's not perfect privacy, but it's the best I can offer.

First, you're nuts. This shit's been the same for five years, give or take a month. Your rut crap is just that - crap. I've been hearing the exact same words for five years, the same phrases, the same all of it. Just because you want to colour reality a rose tinted shade doesn't make it real. Offer? Is he a commodity you give away? Who died and left you Goddess of all? You demand no secrets. That control shit doesn't work here.

Obviously he's not keeping you informed if your information is my wanting to pursue a relationship. I did want my friend back but I told him point out there was a lot of damage done and who knew if we could even get the friendship back.

Who the hell are you to declare no secrets? You don't have the power you think you have to make those rules. Hiding what? A friendship? His so-called declarations of love I never believed anyway?

Second, I don't hate you. I don't even know you. I'm not sure I want to, honestly. But I don't hate you. I hate that he lied to me about you, but that's not your fault. Even so, I'm not sure I'm particularly sorry about hurting you. I shouldn't have done it, but I was angry and justified in my anger. You were just the easy, obvious target. I just don't think acknowledging that you didn't particularly deserve it is the same as offering a sincere apology.

Second, you're nuts. You went to a blog you had no business in, pretended to be him and basically said I sent him to jail with my mind and fuck off and die but you didn't have the nerve to say it was you. You're nuts. I don't want an apology, you acted like a rabid dog and it says a lot about who you are.

As does your choice of words. Maybe 'tail chasing' is what you're into but I find it and you common and crude. Whatever our friendship was, it was never 'tail chasing.' You really are the low end of the sophistication scale, aren't you.

Third, he loves me. It's not just about "what a horrible process [it is] to get these supervision things transferred." That doesn't even factor, even if that's the easy anchor when one is depressed and trying to find reasons not to run away. That's not to say he doesn't love you. Frankly, I'm not sure how he feels about you as I don't think he's really worked that out himself yet. I'm just saying that he isn't leaving me for you, not because he feels tied down but because he's happy here. Sure, there are problems sometimes, but we're pretty good about working them out. We've only had a couple big fights in seven years. Yeah, you've been one of them. One. This time around, there wasn't much fighting. Even that one five years ago was more about his bad behavior and giving up on himself than you. You're not so bad. You're someone he confides in when he's feeling down and confused, when he needs to feel like there's something better than whatever's not going right over here. You're a good friend. I know he values you. So far as I'm concerned, you're welcome in his life, but it's ultimately up to the two of you to figure out where you fit. I don't mind if there's some romance going on, just know that his life here (and the wife that goes with it) is the priority. I'll try not to be greedy. The more I know what's going on with you two, honestly, the easier that will be.

Third, you're nuts. You keep trying to use this anchor shit like it's the first time I've heard it. Don't you get it? I've been hearing it for FIVE years. How he settled. How he didn't reach. Of course he loves you, he married you but stop with the bullshit. I let you win five years ago. I knew before you of his early release but I didn't make the move. You only saw one side of the letters. I let you win.

Not leaving you??? What the fuck has he been feeding you?? We were FRIENDS. We stopped talking because he kept telling me he loved me and it weirded me out because every time I asked about you he ran off and hid in games. I NEVER said I was in love, I loved him dearly as a friend and member of my inner circle but leaving you never came up. Us in a relationship never came up. I said from the start I found the whole situation odd.

Just an escape? For five years? I think you need to stop kidding yourself because you don't like the truth. None of this is new, none of the words, none of the phrases, none of the so-called emotion. Have you been in the same rut for five years? Nothing wrong with settling, it works quite well for some people.

I chose not to pursue. I told him for the longest not to call me. I told him I couldn't deal with the dishonesty and selfishness and I pulled back.

Fourth, I do have one selfish, awful, terrible restriction: no face-time. My man, the one who satisfies those few things for me that Justin doesn't, is in Seattle. You're only in New York. That's just not fucking fair. Voice is fine. If he wants to call you, I don't mind. Just... no touching. I don't think I'm cool enough to handle that imbalance. Should the space between Seattle and Philadelphia ever shrink, we can reevaluate then.

Fourth, you're nuts. I will state for the record that face-time was never something I pushed. I wasn't the one saying give the word and I'll jump in the car and be there. I knew it was crap, he's not getting in your car to come see me but it was said often and not by me. I didn't invite him to the fall gathering, he inserted himself into it. All that aside, just exactly who do you think you are to make rules? I don't follow your rules. If I wanted to get in my car and go down there are you so sure he wouldn't meet up and not tell you? Again, you don't make any rules. You control nothing except your man who you've managed to emasculate into someone who can't have a conversation with a friend without running and telling mommy.

Your reasoning only points towards your maturity and your sick psychotic selfishness. Your boytoy is in Seattle so forget meeting him because I'm in NY? Honey, we're not cyber sexing or sex texting or doing any of that stuff you're into. Maybe he likes you telling him who he can and can't be friends with but you don't call my shots. Reevaluate your psychosis.

That's the key, really: reevaluation. Try things, see what works, adjust the rules accordingly. It's not the open relationship some idealists might have, but it's not monogamous either. You're welcome to be a part of it, if you and he work something out, but I need you to keep this stuff in mind. Don't undermine our relationship. Don't ask him to hide stuff from me. Trust him to know what stuff is okay to share in detail and what's okay to gloss over as an 'oh, we talked last night for a bit' and nothing more. Don't expect any visiting. You'll need to accept that I'm the top priority, but I'll do my best to accept that you're a priority, too. For years now, there's been another someone for me, but none for him, so this'll be new for me; that he's hid you from me in the past will make this a fuckload more difficult, but I'm willing to try.

You need to accept you don't make my rules. You don't call my shots and you don't top me from below. You may control every aspect of his life and tell him what to do but that's as far as your leash reaches. How sick and selfish that bit is about you and yours in your life, it's fine as long as it's yours, isn't it? You can't handle the thought of anyone who is even an imaginary threat to the cushy little world you've created where you're the queen and you alone do as you want.

How arrogant you come across. You're lucky I'm above you or I would have read your tripe, drove to to PA., had a clandestine meet up with him, rocked his world in a way you never could and left leaving him to go run home and tell you. Do you really think you can demand what other people think or do? The sun doesn't shine around you. You're lucky I gave up the game playing. If I had wanted to meet up, you would have been powerless to stop it, little girl.

Romance??? We've hardly even been friends because I knew he was being dishonest. I wonder how much of the truth you actually were told after reading all of this but I've got logs and people who saw things. Yes, he spent too much money on me for Valentine's Day and my birthday but it was a friendship. A bit closer than the average friendship but many many MANY times I told him you're a married man and I gave up married men years ago.

So, that's about all of it. I don't know what will happen with you two--it's not up to me--but I want you to know where I stand. I want you to know what you're getting into. I think it's important that you have this information. I hope it does more good than harm as that's the spirit in which it was intended.

This is the cute part. You're truly nuts. You lay down your laws, you post something that should have come to me in an email if at all, the world of your LJ friends didn't need it but that's the drama you crave. Then you say it's not up to me. It's comical. You got exactly the end you were hoping for. You made sure a friendship ended, you took away WD and all access to anything but you. Nicely played. Your world where you're free to do who and what you want but no one else is allowed to have a friend. What a sick double standard from a sick little girl who got scared of someone she saw as a a threat and reacted like a maniac.

Guess you got what you wanted. Your man is leashed and you've got full control of your microcosm again and so what if he lost a few friends and a whole lot of respect from people who think you're an arrogant disgusting meanspirited bitch who tells people to fuck off and die for fun. You never wanted him back on WD to begin with, even your friend said you gave him a whole lotta shit for bringing him back. Worked out just like your planned it. He had friends who weren't interested in you, friends beside me. You made sure they were removed. Kudos. He is allowed nothing outside of what you permit him.

Where I come from relationships are built on equality. Your selfish queen bee attitude is foreign to me but some people love being kept, I get that. What hurts me is losing a friend. The rest is easy.

Did you really think you could declare rules for others? Just because he likes it and lets you control his every move and tell him what he may and may not do and who he may and may not talk to doesn't mean anyone outside of your little world will listen. You don't make rules for people. Get over yourself. You don't get to hurt people for sport because you're a miserable person with depression and jealousy issues. This was so over the line, so uncalled for and so not necessary it's insane. Like you. No go walk your husband.

Okay, we're done now.

High Ground or Low Ground?

2010-06-04T06:12:01-05:00

I wrote a rebuttal to something foul that was written for me today and shared with the public for no other reason besides spite, mean-spiritedness and one person's need to look powerful. I'm not posting it yet because it's not the nicest thing I've ever written and while every word of it is true, I'm not sure I want to go that route. However, the thought of the person who went after me sitting there gloating thinking they got over just because it worked, cause pain and goodbyes and tears makes me want to post it after I vomit.

So for now it's saved away on here and I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Darkstar said enough for tonight. heh.

Memorial Day Re-post

2010-05-31T09:14:00-05:00

(I wrote this back in 2006 and so far nothing has quite said it as well for me so allow me the re-post for the day. Thank you)

Dear Solder, former soldier or family member,

On this Memorial Day weekend I wanted to take a minute to thank you. I've written two actual letters but I want to use this avenue here to reach out to a larger crowd and say thank you.

I never knew my grandfather. He was killed in WWII and my father never got over it. I make no claims to understanding what any of you go through but I have a small idea of the pain of loss.

And still people serve. And still people care enough about liberty and their country to volunteer to serve and take the risks that walk hand in hand with serving. Thank you.

To the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, sons, daughters etc. of those who choose to serve, I admire your strength and I say thank you. It's a difficult life made even more difficult when the one you love is sent away. For every birthday or special event you had to spend alone, I thank you and I wish there was something more I could do besides write letters, hang a flag and support you.

I am sorry that there are those in this country who would choose to defile your memories and your missions merely to further their own political agendas. No one likes war, no one likes the chance of going off to fight and possibly die in a foreign land. No one likes it but someone has to do it and you people do while the rest of us get to sit with our loved ones and friends and talk about war.

I wish I had the power to bring you all home, to end the conflict and let you get back to being the people you are that your families and friends love. I was watching the Vietnam veterans before at the Memorial and the tears ran freely for each and every person I saw there rubbing names off the wall. This is what Memorial Day is about and I wanted you to know I haven't forgotten.

I wish I had the power to make sure each and every one of you never wants for anything when your service is over. It sickens me to see soldiers return home and have to worry about adjusting to civilian life again as well as where the money is going to come from. May our politicians wake up and do the right thing by all of you.

It is an amazingly difficult and brave choice to join the service, to volunteer to serve and to put the country before one's own self or family. I watch it on TV and I cry every time. I have nothing but admiration and affection for all of you. Plus a deep sense of gratitude for what you do.

That's all I wanted to say. The words are inadequate but they are the best I can do. To the memory of my grandfather and to everyone who is or has been in some way connected to the US military I say thank you. I thank you, I appreciate you, I respect you, I support you, I honour your memories.

With love and affection,

Kittyn

"If you ever think of me,
think of all your liberties
and recall...
...............some gave all."

(please feel free to trackback to this, let's spread the word)

Do This Tomorrow, Early!

2010-05-05T05:08:00-05:00

I want this staring at me when I get up for the morning barf. Instead of sitting on my ass petting cats I have a ton of shit I need to get to doing.

HEY LAZY ASS. YES KITTYN, YOU.

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO SORT THROUGH THAT BIG BOX DARKSTAR BROUGHT UP AND GET MORE STUFF FOR THE SPCA FLEA MARKET YOUR MOTHER IS WORKING.

GO! GO NOW!

The Tides of Change, Phase One Completed

2010-04-29T05:01:00-05:00

Tides of change. I like. Cool Change. It all fits.

I have a car. My own car. 20 years ago, 10 years ago I wouldn't have appreciated it - hell, I expected them - but this is now and I can't put into words how excited I am.

People think I'm over-stating it when I say two years but it's not. It's truly been two years I've been stuck in Red Hick without a car and 10 miles from town. Two years cut off from being able to do the simple things in life for myself or go places or do anything. Those of you who were with me through dialysis remember the horror that was Kingston Kabs.. Doctor appointments I put off because getting there wasn't worth the hassle. You get the idea.

Darkstar came through and now that's all a thing of the past. All of a sudden I've got this freedom in front of me and it's like a big door opening.

It's a catalyst, it's the catalyst I needed so desperately.

It's the end of the excuses of I can't go see the kidney guy because he's in Poughkeepsie. It's the end of a lot of stuff.

I've picked up on a bit of Darkstar's spirit lately and while I'm not full of life enough to lay deadlines like he does, I'm going to make the rest of 2010 the transitional year it's already started to become except I'm going to shift the transition. I said this before - baby steps.

I've decided to get rid of one bit of bullshit from my life every day. It could be a person, a situation, anything that fits in the bullshit category. If it's bullshit, it goes like last year's fashions.

There are people I want to get to know. People I've spent years talking to on a computer but due to geography never had the pleasure of meeting up with. It's time to change that. People who have been patiently waiting for years to get past the gates. Hell, I've got nothing but time on my hands these days and as long as the puke bags aren't too far off, I'm good to go.

It's still going to be a challenge. I still have to get up every morning and fight the puking. One of the conditions of this car loan was that I would consider dialysis instead of refusing outright.

I still have people in my life who are toxic and situations that are toxic. Slowly I have to weed them out of my world even if it hurts. It's time to let go of things that aren't real or aren't good for me.

Naming the car Base Camp just brings me one step closer to the real goal and the figurative Everest that has become my head.

Baby steps. I'm figuring it out and it's still only April. By the end of this year I *will* be in a completely different state of mind of my own doing. Re-gaining freedom is a pretty big baby step.

The facebook people can skip the pictures but believe it or not, some people still just read the warbles! Huzzah!

It's a 1998 Plymouth Neon with 72k miles and a sweet electric moonroof which was real important to me. It's green which works since I like to wear clothes that (at least in my head) make my eyes look more green and Darkstar is putting a new stereo in so I can do the iPod thing. It's cute, it's girly, it's mine. It's Base Camp and it has retro NY yellow plates.

And it shall save me.