WebKittyn Warbles

Reflections on 2011, Looking Towards 2012 and a Conversation with My Father

2012-01-03T00:01:03-05:00

Last year at the end of the year I told Darkstar that if things were the same as they were at the end of the year and my life was the same as it was at the end of the year I was going to take the gun and end it or go the easy way and let the kidneys do me in. I promised I was going to do all I could do make 2011 better than 2010 has been but if it wasn't any better I was done. I meant it when I said it, I even went so far as to write up an official will and make sure Darkstar knew what I wanted done with me after. I spent a lot of nights thinking about it, not in an emotional drama kind of way but more a quiet stoic "I'm just done" sort of way.

It's the end of the year now and it's been on my mind that I said that. While I can't say 2011 has been a banner year I also can't say with honesty that I did all I could to make it a great year so I have to own that and no easy ways out. It bothers me that I was in such a dark place only a year ago.

I'm not making resolutions this year. I'm thinking about my father and what he would say to me if he was here. How he would evaluate my past year, both the successes and the failures. I think he'd have a lot to say.

I did have some major victories in 2011. I finally came out of the dark place and got on the track to living. I've forged bonds with new friends and people that I expect will go places in 2012 - as long as I let them. I got the kidneys under control as much as I am capable of and I went for all the tests I had been terrified to do. I learned to stand on my own two feet and discovered I really am tougher than I thought I was. I can hear him saying 'good work, kiddo' on that much.

I had a lot of failures in 2011. This is where I hear my father's voice, loud and strong, telling me what I already know - what I messed up in 2011.

He would tell me to get off my ass and start living again. He would remind me that those 6 months we had when he came out of the rehab place were a gift as he wasn't expected to recover. He would tell me I got the same gift with the kidneys and he would tell me I'm wasting it.

He would tell me to stop making lists and just do stuff. Stop planning and thinking and if something needs doing, do it. If there's something I want to do - do it. If there's somewhere I want to go - go. Stop talking about doing and do.

He would be pretty pissed off at the way my mother and I can't seem to co-exist and he would tell both of us to shit or get off the pot. He would point to the Kingston Bridge and say go if it's that bad. He would remind me that she can't do everything she used to even if she is in pretty good shape but she needs more help with stuff. He wouldn't want to see his two women at each other.

He would be less than happy with the way I've neglected my health. While I've done well with the kidneys, I've allowed myself to get complacent and I don't move around nearly as much as I need to. He would tell me to get off the goddamn computer and go walk around or something. He would remind me I wouldn't even make it to the trail to Base Camp in the shape I am and he would make it perfectly clear I did it to myself.

He would tell me enough with the feeling sorry for myself. While he would acknowledge that I've come a long way I still get in these funks and withdraw from everyone and lament the cards I was dealt. He would tell me to just cut the shit and remind me in no uncertain terms it could be a lot worse. He would push me to keep going where I was going when I seem to have stopped walking forward.

He would tell me to stop talking about writing that damn book and do it. He would be up to date on e-books and self-publishing e-books and he would be the first one to tell me to go for it and my biggest cheerleader along the way. He would read it, he would critique it honestly and I would soak in every word he offered.

He would tell me to let go of the paintings and the mugs and the other things that are worth so much that could really help my mother out. He would tell me to let go of not getting all of the books, let go of the anger and the resentment. He would tell me to understand why it went the way it did and get over it.

He would tell me I have no one to blame but myself if I don't turn 2012 around. He would acknowledge my limitations as I have but he would also tell me to stop hiding behind them and letting them define me. He would tell me I bring a lot of my misery on myself and while I can't change it all I can certainly stop with the shit I dump on myself.

He would tell me to go back to the things that I love so dearly because of him and have abandoned. Watching golf, reading the authors we both loved so much, watching zombie movies. I haven't been able to truly enjoy any of them (and a few more) since I lost him and I can hear him telling me enough. Read those books for me, kiddo. Enjoy that golf and think of me every time you yell 'GET IN THE HOLE.'

He would tell me to let myself off the hook for not being able to go up there and see him yet. I'm close, I work on it every day but I just can't do it yet. He would understand and tell me I'm being silly and not to get all worked up about it.

He would tell me it's long past time to get back into the social world. Start accepting invitations and stop making excuses that I can't go somewhere because I might start throwing up. He would tell me enough living like a monk, get the hell out there. He would remind me that I'm intelligent and funny and really strange and I have a lot to offer people even if I forget that.

He would make sure I remembered all the victories of 2011 as I tend to be way too harsh on myself. Not every victory has to be major and there were quite a few small ones. I owned up to some major mistakes I made that hurt people early in the year, I owned up to my shitty attitude and self piteous way of life and I managed to turn this around. I've done what so few others have done with the kidneys and I've held on to the people that matter the most.

Most important, he would remind me to have fun with life because it really all can change in a day or a moment. He would make sure I understood this and made the most out of my situation, whatever the situation is. Whether it's living in Nowhere NY for now or being piss poor for the moment or throwing up way too much - make the best of all of it and never forget it could be worse. Never forget what he went through and came out of, what I went through and came out of.

I think I get it, I think he would walk away feeling that I really got it this time. You keep watching over me, Dad. You'll see that it sunk in. I'll be up there to visit the cemetery for my birthday, that's one promise I make to myself, to spend a part of my birthday with you. Me with my purple hair.

Happy 2012, Dad. Thank you for the conversation and for making me see what's what. I'll be counting on your spirit to get me through the hard times and the times I don't think I can make it. I love you dearly, Dad. I dedicate this year to you.

I Want to Know You - Putting Myself Out There (or - Words of a Desperate Friendless Sot)

2011-09-23T06:22:00-05:00

(disclaimer as suggested by the lovely and talented Deb: although this post may very well make me appear to be a desperate and friendless sot, I'm really not. I've never been desperate, I do have friends and okay, maybe a sot... I write this shit because it makes sense to me but sometimes it's hard to put it into words so yes, I am aware I look like a desperate friendless sot, thank you. I have no filter when it comes to discussing myself and this is where I do it because hey, it IS called the 'warbles' for a reason!)

Sometimes it really is strange what triggers things in the mind. One small thing triggers something else and the next thing you know you're in the middle of some great epiphany about yourself or your life. It's kind of crazy but also kind of wonderful.

I had one of these moments this morning around 6ish. Stemmed from an out of nowhere text that came in around 4 from a friend whose opinion matters a bit more than most. We chatted back and forth on text for over an hour and by the time it was done I was feeling all these strange things and I knew I had to get them written down.

The main thing this friend did that I didn't even know I needed doing was to build me up. Not fluff or BS, this isn't a BS person and not meaningless tripe or flowery compliments. Building up where it matters the most, the self. I often forget that I'm a pretty interesting person with a wicked sense of humour, a well-functioning brain and a crazy sudden zest for life. He reminded me, without saying it, that there really are people around who find me interesting and valuable and even memorable.

I wasn't even feeling insecure, it's been a good month so far but it was like this wave of positive affirmation and it put me on a high and now it's Autumn and it's time to start doing things. That's where the title comes from.

I've spent a long time alienating people and/or not taking the time to get to know people or re-connect with people I've known forever. This is entirely on me and I accept it but it's time to start shifting the tides.

I want to know people, I really do. It sounds silly but to those of you I've blown off or not given a chance or just never took the effort to get to know I'm sorry, I want to know you. Everyone has something magical in them and I'm missing out on the magic of others and it's time to stop that.

Doesn't matter where the people are from. Whether it's the one bar in Red Hook that has bands, karaoke and action or people from the MUDs or Facebook or my past, it doesn't matter. It's time to put myself out there and find the magic in people and hope that they can see mine.

I'm not looking for dates or love or sex, that's not the kind of putting myself out there I mean. Not that I'm opposed to any of the above but you don't jump from self-imposed isolation into any of those without the in-between.

I want to surround myself with people who want to know me. I want to surround myself with people who think I'm interesting and want to know me beyond the basic crap everyone sees. I want to surround myself with interesting and unique and fun people from all over and get to know them. I want to surround myself with people who think differently than I, people I can learn from and discover new things to delve into from.

I want to hook up with the friends I've had forever that I've found again thanks to Facebook. When you take a look at a friend list and realise 'holy crap, I know most of these people offline' it's pretty trippy. Seeing them happy and still hanging out together and still the same amazing people they always were is awesome. Seeing them happy to hear from me again after all the time passed is also awesome. I can't be that much of a shithead if people from 20+ years ago have fond and frequent memories that I'm a part of.

I want to find some new friends. Locals to hang out with up here as long as I'm here and some of you amazing souls on Facebook that somehow I started talking to. I read your walls. I'm not a stalker but I'm interested enough to check status updates to see what people are up to and to those of you who have said 'hey, can I give you call?' and I came up with some lame excuse, the phone lines are now open.

I don't want to know your life story and don't expect mine too quickly. I'm not looking for stalkers and I'm not going stalking (unless we're talking Richard Hammond), I've always been a huge fan of the mystery of getting to know a person slowly. I don't want to see your comments on your friends posts, I don't want to know every detail of your mind, I don't wan to know how large your penis is.

I'm just opening doors I had previously shut. Between three years of dealing with death, disease and as much recovery as I'm going to get it messed with my head and I didn't think people needed to be around that so I shut myself off from the world for the most part. My friends get it, they don't hold it against me.

I had to get past a lot of shit and get back to being comfortable with who I am. I've got scars in places scars don't belong that for the longest time - in my eyes - jumped out and instantly marred any physical impression I might make and one thing I always was was vain about how I looked. Not full of myself but I liked looking a certain way and all I could see were those two damn scars. People ask for current pictures and that's perfectly normal but I had/have shit to get past. I can see it for silly now. Everyone has a scar or two somewhere, I've just got a few more than most and two are in bad places for me. I've never been conceited but I've always been confident but I lost that confidence for three years and it's only now starting to come back. I'm still not fully there yet but I'm getting there and I'm doing it on my time and it's working as evidenced by the amount of time I've spent out being social these past mornings.

I'm not looking for people to hang out with tomorrow or next week or maybe even not next month. I don't know, I have no plans besides those for the holidays and that's too far off to start talking about now. Some of the people I want to really talk to again are out of state or country so it's not all about people to hang out with.

It's about people in general and laying foundations. I'm offering myself up out there (in a purely pure way) for the getting to know. For the learning and the discovery of the magic inside people. For the people who may want to get to know me.

My friend said last night they envy my freedom and it made me think. I may have broken kidneys and I may throw up like a fountain but I do have that element of freedom a lot of people would like to have and I need to not take that for granted anymore. If I want to just get up and go, I can. I'm pretty poor but I'm holding my own and I can manage what I want or need. I feel pretty good. I've got this amazing gift of time and freedom and I need to stop wasting it.

I'm not just looking for online friends although I think that's a grand place to start a friendship. I'm not looking for stalkers, fans or groupies and I'm not looking to be anyone's stalker, fan or groupie (except you, Jeckles).

I guess I'm looking to take my life and my entire way of living in a whole new direction and it would be nice not to go there alone but I'm okay with that if it ends up that way even though I'm pretty sure it won't. I've spent years keeping people at arm's length away though and now I have to undo all of that and in the process pick up some new merry pranksters.

I'm not getting any younger and let's be honest - my kidneys could go at any time and change everything and I've finally gotten that through my thick head. I've got the means and opportunity to go a little hog wild for the next year or so so why the hell not go for it for myself and my friend last night who envied my freedom and for everyone who feels trapped in their current lives.

Now there's always that possibility no one is going to read this or respond to this or find me someone they want to get to know or hang out with but I'm willing to take that chance, it's part of putting myself out there. If not I can always go join the Monks on Mt. Tremper and live a life of solitude and monkitude.

I've finally come to that happy and internally content place. Sure there's always room for improvement and now that I've fixed the inside the outside needs some serious work before I go out and conquer the world but there's that happy medium where foundations can be laid and potential new partners in crime can be found.

It's time to start answering the phone and reaching out. It's time to stop pulling inwards and it's time to let the people that actually want to get to know me inside the gates. It's time to stop thinking people are doing me a favour talking to me and undercutting my own value (and no, I mean no one in specific so no paranoia allowed). It's time to find out what life as a moderately intelligent cougar with nice eyes is like. It's time to open my eyes to the things that are good about me while continuing to fix the rest. It's time to just fucken LIVE.

It's Autumn, I'm alive, I'm beating kidney failure, I'm feeling good inside and this is exactly what I had been hoping for all Summer. It's also been a pretty damn good month and I'm determined to keep that momentum going.

Hi, I'm Heather and I've just put myself out there. Completely vulnerable! Want to be my friend? I promise it will be strange but hardly boring.

Remembering Lt. Glenn C. Perry, FDNY - Then and Now (part of Project 2996)

2011-09-11T03:26:00-05:00

Then, 09/11/09:

It's a difficult thing to sit and write a tribute to a stranger and make it real. It becomes even more difficult when the person you are asked to write about is one of the true fallen heroes. I was asked by
Project 2996 to remember Lt. Glenn C. Perry today. Lt. Perry was a firefighter with Ladder Co. 25 but he was also so much more than that.

He was a husband to his wife Peggy and a dad to children Glenn Jr., Meaghan and Caitlin. He was a teacher at the Fire Academy. He was a police officer who realized his true calling was to be a firefighter as his father was and his brothers are/were. He was a man with many friends and people who respected him, looked up to him, appreciated him and learned from him

Lt. Perry also became a firefighter to have more time to spend with his family. From all I've read of this man he was a dedicated family man who had wonderful relationships with his children and a love of cooking for his wife. He ran in the NY Marathon and was active in the FDNY community.

He was a good looking man as well, everything you think of when you think of a firefighter. There is a story I read that said when he was training to be a firefighter he would be spotted running up and down the stairs of the Eltingville station in Staten Island carrying an oxygen tank. He was dedicated to his vocation and his commitment showed through in all he touched. Another story told of his offer to help a friend paint his house and while the friend was at work, the entire house was painted. This was the sort of man Lt. Glenn C. Perry was.

Those who write about Lt. Perry are quick to say he was 'always laughing' and the sort of person you felt good being around. A man who seemingly had it all and could have stayed insulated inside his own happy world but he did not. Instead he chose to go into a line of work that requires you to risk your life for others and into this he went willingly and with enthusiasm.

Lt. Perry was a man who touched people, it's evident from reading the entries in his Legacy book that haven't stopped being added as time has moved on. This is a man who was surrounded with goodness in his life and he gave back with all he had every day of his life. I am sorry I did not know Lt. Glenn C. Perry but I feel as if I've come to know him reading about him for this tribute.

Lt. Glenn C. Perry was indeed a true American hero and it was my honour and pleasure to write for him and to remember him and all those who gave their lives that day.

I think the biggest 'find' I came across looking Lt. Perry up was this video I am posting. His wife Peggy is in it and it is a gathering of friends and family to celebrate the life of Lt. Perry. Not his death, his life. His spirit celebrated at a Memorial Picnic. It touched me, it made cry, it made me appreciate all that Lt. Perry did and sacrificed for the rest of us. It made me want to know this man and it made me want to run out and hug a firefighter. To see all these people here for this man 8 years later says so much more than anything I can say here.

In closing, thank you Lt. Glenn C. Perry. Thank you for your dedication, devotion and commitment. Thank you for giving the ultimate sacrifice. You and those who were lost with you will never ever be forgotten by myself and so many others.

God bless Lt. Glenn C. Perry, firefighters and those who serve their country and/or community and God bless America.

We will never forget.

_____________________________________________________________

Now, 9/11/11

Of my three tributes I had the most trouble with this one. It was hard enough to write the first time, the first responders deserve a special place in our hearts and our memories so I truly wanted to make this one special. I went on a bit of a journey to learn as much as I could about Lt. Glenn Perry that I hadn't learned the first time.

I was fortunate enough to come across a video (posted below) about Lt. Perry but also for all those in the FDNY and NYPD who were lost that day. When I contacted the man who made the video I discovered he was a cousin to Lt. Perry's wife Peggy. He was gracious enough to speak to me at length about Lt. Perry and it confirmed what I learned when I first looked him up - Lt. Perry was a special kind of man. The kind of man who truly embodied the spirit of what a firefighter is in his dedication to people. Lt. Perry was the one who would be found helping his friends or his neighbours any time they needed help. No asking required, if Lt. Perry saw someone who needed help he simply offered. I learned how the first video I posted was not a one-time event, there have been many annual gatherings to celebrate the life of Lt. Perry, not just the one video I had seen. I learned he was one of those rare souls who was genuinely liked be all who knew him and I learned how he made those around him feel good with his wit and smile and compassion. I could hear the affection in my new friend's voice with every word he spoke and I got off the phone feeling sad and happy at the same time. Sad at the loss of such a rare man and happy to know his family continues to celebrate his life and all the good he did and was and will always be.

This is the video I speak of, used with permission of its creator James Riley, it speaks for itself. Thank you for talking to me about Lt. Perry.

I still wanted more so I continued to search Lt. Perry and the next thing I discovered that touched me deeply was this breathtaking memorial in Washingtonville, NY that honours 5 fallen firefighters from the ares and Lt. Perry is one of them. The memorial sits in a park and is surrounded by bricks with the name of every first responder who gave the ultimate sacrifice on that day. In these two pictures you can make out Lt. Perry's name and assignments. I want to visit this park and see the memorial, I want to honour Lt. Perry and all the names there by going and saying thank you. The park and the memorial were created with money raised through donations and auctions for the bricks, just another testament to how deeply Lt. Perry and his fallen brethren touched so many of us.

The next thing I came across that made me tear up was an article about a man
whose name I remembered as he left a comment on my first post, Rich Hays. Mr. Hays is a Captain in his own fire department in Michigan and for years has been wearing a bracelet with Lt. Perry's name on it. He has never met Lt. Perry but he was so deeply touched by this man and the others that it moved him to become a member of that selfless group of people known as firefighters.

I attach a video now of Rich Hays carrying a flag for Lt. Perry and speaking of him at the Healing Fields where flags are being planted out of love and honour. Ten years later and this man is still deeply moved by a stranger, that is a rare and special bond.

One volunteer tied to 9/11 firefighter: woodtv.com

I learned that Lt. Perry's son, Glenn Jr. is now a firefighter as well. Thank you, Glenn Jr.

Every once in a blue moon you may be lucky enough to come across a person who truly impacts you. These people are hard to find but when you do find them, you never forget them and what they meant to you. Lt. Perry really does live on in so many ways and continues to touch and inspire people. His Legacy book is full of people leaving words to say they remember, strangers and friends. I feel as if I too have made a friend in Lt. Glenn Perry and will continue to carry his memory and his love of life and helping others with me. Maybe the next time I see someone who needs help I'll stop and take the time to offer because it's what Lt. Glenn C. Perry, FDNY would have done.

Never forgotten, always loved, you continue to lead us Lt. Glenn C. Perry. On this day 10 years later I say thank you again and make a promise to try and be a better person in your honour.

In memory of and in tribute to Lt. Glenn C. Perry, FDNY.

Age: 41
Place of Residence: Monroe, NY
Location on 9/11: WTC
Occupation: FDNY

(written as a part of Project 2996, original pot 9/11/09)

Remembering Lucille Teresa King - Then and Now (part of Project 2996)

2011-09-11T02:31:00-05:00

Then, 09/11/06:

I was asked by Project 2996 to remember Lucille King this year. Mrs. King was a secretary for the Aon Corporation which had offices on the 92nd and 98th-105th floors of the South Tower. I immediately got to work on looking up what I could of Mrs. King's life.

One thing that stood out was the old saying 'big things come in small packages.' at five feet tall and 100 pounds, Mrs. King was a petite woman who had a spirit and personality twice her size. Married to her husband Richard for 31 years, Mrs. King was a woman of habit who always had a smile for those around her. Lucille King was one of those women who loved to live and lived to help those around her. She was a force of positive energy to her family and co-workers.

Mrs. King was a lifelong New Yorker and a creature of habit, living in the same Queens apartment with her husband for 31 years and spending Sundays in the city with her family. She was a devout Yankees fan and each game she attended with her husband also included a bet of 25 cents.

Reading her Legacy book I was touched to see family members and friends still posting memories and thoughts throughout the past eight years. It's easy to see this is a woman who was deeply loved and valued by those around her.

She was called 'Lu' by those who worked with her and as busy as she might have been, she was the sort of woman who never forgot to ask about a person's family while going about her duties. She was a genuine woman with a genuine sense of caring for the people in her life.

Aon Corporation lost 175 employees on September 11, 2001. 175 people like Lucille King who were there to work. Innocent people trying to live the American dream. Decent, hard-working souls like Lucille King who probably started the morning with a big smile and some words of cheer.

I have a feeling I would have liked Lucille King. I have a feeling working with her would have made the day a bit brighter and knowing her would have made my world a little happier. On this day eight years later I remember Lucille King and the person she was and her life that mattered.

God bless Lucille King. God bless America.
____________________________________________________

Now, 09/11/06:

On this tenth anniversary I went back to Lucille's Legacy Book age and was not at all surprised to see people still posting words of love and sadness, still expressing the tremendous loss they still feel when thinking of this lively woman who tried so hard to make others around her happy. I've seen words of comfort from all around the world for Lucille King even to this day. She has a niece and a sister-in-law who have not missed a year gone by without posting something to remember this special woman and the wonderful and full life she lived.

I said in my original tribute how I thought I would have liked Mrs. King and how working with her would have made having to go to work a happier place. We all know someone like Lucille T. King, someone who goes above and beyond in trying to care for others. We can take a lesson from Lucille King's life and appreciate these people a little more and maybe even do something kind for someone for no reason in honour of this woman who loved so much and cared so freely.

Lucille King, you are not forgotten. Not by the friends and family who will always miss you but by the strangers such as myself and the others you touched with your story after your death. It's a testament to a life well-lived and a person well-loved when ten years after they are gone they can still touch the heart of a stranger.

We remember, Lucille T. King. I remember. Neither you, that day or any of the others senselessly lost will ever be forgotten.

In memory of Lucille Teresa King

Age: 59
Place of Residence: Ridgewood, NJ
Location on 9/11: WTC
Occupation: Aon Corp.

Another guestbook page for Lucille King here

(written as a part of Project 2996, original pot 9/11/09)

Remembering Sharon Cristina Millan Paz - Then and Now (part of Project 2996)

2011-09-11T01:16:00-05:00

Then, 09/11/06:

September 11 2001 started out like every other day. I was half awake and half asleep, snuggling with Claude (my cat) and admiring a clear blue sky over the river. And then it all changed forever. My housemate came in to make sure I was awake, I was definitely awake and changing channels like crazy to see if it was real. It was real.

I don't remember how I ran across the 2,996 site but when I did I signed up immediately. It didn't matter what person's name I was given, I just wanted to be a part of this because I, along with so many others, have not forgotten or healed completely from the events of 9/11.

Sharon Cristina Millan Paz was 31 years old on 9/11. She worked for Harris Beach LLP as an office coodindator. The Harris Beach offices were on the 85th floor of the South Tower. Five employees were killed on 9/11, Sharon, 2 lawyers and two office workers.

Sharon was a beautiful young woman from Colombia with a positive outlook on life and a smile that lit up the room. She lived in New Jersey and was in love with her boyfriend. She had a large family and many friends who are still missing her and trying to understand how someone so special can be taken so early. She was daughter, sister, cousin and friend.

What is evident about Sharon is how much those around her felt she touched their lives. The words left in memory at Legacy.com and the 9/11 Victims Site are testament to just how much she mattered to the people around her. That's something not everyone has, the power to truly leave an impact on the people that wander in and out of your life and it's a power Sharon apparently had.

Five year later friends and loved ones are still shedding tears and remembering Sharon Cristina Millan Paz in her Legacy Book and their words speak better than anything I could come up with. I didn't know Sharon but I think I would have liked her and I think we would have gotten along.

To all of Sharon's friends and family I can only offer my condolences and thoughts and assure you that Sharon has not been forgotten by the world. I spent some quiet time today thinking of all that is good in my life and I did it with thoughts of Sharon and the smile she brought to so many, she was the good in so many lives.

Sharon Cristina Millan Paz. Gone but never forgotten, remembered by myself and so many others today.
__________________________________________________________________

Now, 09/11/11:

The first thing I noticed when I went back to Sharon's Legacy book was just how many people were still actively leaving messages and words of love. If it wasn't obvious before how much Sharon meant to her family and so many friends it really sunk in when I saw a letter from a group of school children leaving her a tribute and the pain and love in the words of her friends who still seem to miss her as much today as they did ten years ago.

I came across an article written by her ex-fiancee that really seemed to sum up the kind of unique person Sharon was and I share it here today:

"''I used to play baseball with her older brother, Richie,'' Tommy Demaris was saying of Sharon Christina Millan, 30, his ex-fiancée, who worked the last two months at the trade center in the human resources department of Harris Beach, a law firm. ''This was in school, when we were young, in Astoria. One day I saw her in a little restaurant, a cafe. I asked a friend of mine who she was. And my friend said, 'Richie Villa's sister.' I thought she was stunning, a beautiful girl. She was always worrying about making other people happy,'' Mr. Demaris said. ''She was the type like if you told her something, she'd always believe you. She'd always give you the benefit of the doubt.'' He added: ''I'll put it to you this way. The day that Sharon and I finally let each other go, we sat in a restaurant in Long Island that was filled to capacity. I remember sitting there for 45 minutes, not saying a word, and both of us crying. Because we knew we loved each other, but we had to let each other go. We were best friends. That never ended.''

Sharon was a special woman and I smile to see her friends posting memories of her life and celebrating the times they had with her. It makes me want to cling a little tighter to those I truly call friend and I thank Sharon for helping teach me this lesson.

Sharon Cristina Millan Paz, I and many others remember you today and every day. You truly left an impact on those around you and on those of us who learned of you later. You will never be forgotten.

In memory of and in tribute to Sharon Cristina Millan Paz
Age: 31
Place of Residence: New York, NY
Location on 9/11: WTC
Occupation: Harris Beach LLP

Another guestbook page for Sharon Cristina Millan Paz here and here , this one with pictures of Sharon, her friends and her family

(written as a part of Project 2996, original pot 9/11/06)

August Overview for the End of the Month

2011-08-29T19:17:00-05:00

I'm going to try and remember to do this at the end of every month so I can go back and see how I can improve the new month.

Goodbye. August. You were a strange one. I think I'm going to miss you.

Things on the home front took a serious nose dive down this month. I'm not without fault in it but things have got to change for the sake of both of our sanity in this house. Things get said that leave lasting marks and that's not cool. She's got as much to work on with that as I do, she's got to come to terms with her gloom and unwillingness to even try and see if it's possible of have somewhat of a decent life without my dad. I know how much she's suffering but there has got to come a time when you realise you can't handle it, aren't handling it and reach out to the right people for help. She's still got a lot of life left in her, she deserves more than spending day after day in mourning. On my end, I need to cut her some slack and be a little more understanding and learn to walk away when she gets in her moods. There's plenty of room in this house, just walk away. I don't think it's too late but there is work to be done.

Things on the health front were sort of up and down. I got lazy this month, I didn't put as much effort into the dieting and getting firmed/toned up as I should have. Let's be honest, I did shit. Little walks here and there will not get up to Base Camp and will not make for a sexy cougar. There are enough ridiculous looking cougars out there stuffing themselves into clothes that make them look like sausages, I need to get my ass in gear.

That one is easy. The cool weather invigorates me and now that I can get the alien baby deflated, here I come gym and personal trainer. The want and the will is there and besides, we can't have Darkstar looking better than me when we get the video capability in the KMRL chatroom! He may be a pretty pretty princess but don't count the pretty pretty goonch out yet! Time to strap on the ankle weights and add them to the walk.

My own state of mind has actually been pretty good. I've made a few tough decisions and I'm not happy about them but I needed to do it.

One thing I truly believe is a friendship is a two way street. A friend, a true friend, should always be there when a friend is in need, no questions asked. If a friend is hurting, you go to them. You listen, you empathise without bullshitting, you don't offer advice or make judgment calls. You don't think about anything else you could be doing at the time because this is your friend and they're hurting and they need you. You don't go to them asking or looking for anything in return, you simply do this because it's what a friend does.

However. There has to be some give and take. One person can't always be the one talking. Sometimes the other friend would like someone to talk to, sometimes the other friend would like to be more than just the person turned to when things are critically bad and completely ignored otherwise. That's not a friendship.

I had to let something like that go a week or so ago. For all my many flaws I'm a loyal and good friend and I'm willing to be there whenever I'm needed when things are at their worst and I was but ya know what? I have things going on in my world too I might have liked to talk about or not be ignored when it's just a casual hello over AIM instead of listening to one in crisis over the phone. I would never turn anyone away who called me in crisis and who needed that shoulder but I'm not going to believe it comes with any true friendship.

Wasn't an easy call to make, I genuinely enjoyed that one conversation when you actually listened (maybe because you were stoned and drunk) but hey, I matter too. I hope in the course of our talks I helped you at least a tiny bit and I hope the situation we spent so much time discussing resolves for you in a way you're alright with. One of these days when the road trip heads south I will be showing up in your town and we'll share a beer to the shit life throws at us and the fact that internet people are in fact 'real.'

I probably made a ton of mistakes this month as well but at least I can say they were well thought out mistakes. *snickers* One friend made me realise it was time to get out of this self imposed exile I've put on myself and get back out there into the real world starting with adding the video to the KMRL chat so people can feel more connected to the hosts. I'm grateful for that although I have a feeling I've pissed this friend off since they left my group (yah, that stung) and have basically ignored me all day. I feel bad about that, this friend was very much the high point of the month of August and I really tried not to damage the friendship but I had to be honest with what I was thinking before I got into trouble and got myself hurt. There are only a handful of people in the world who have the power to hurt me. I've been through two MUDs, I've gotten tough but there are a few people who could hurt me and it becomes a problem when there's a chance of my getting hurt even though the other person did nothing wrong. Probably doesn't make much sense but it does to me and I'll know what I'm talking about when I come back in the end of September to compare it to the end of August. People who can hurt me scare the hell out of me.

I'm a Pisces through and through and one thing we Pisceans tend to do that isn't a good thing is create these little worlds and live in them. Only problem is, they're not real. Pisces are dreamers and idealists and I fall right into that. In this case, I really wanted things to be a certain way so in my head I convinced myself they were. Not fair to the other person involved who was always honest but it's really easy to hear what you want to hear when you really want to hear something. Sometimes it takes a jolt of reality to make a Pisces realise what they've been doing and retreat feeling slightly humiliated, slightly stupid and slightly relieved they didn't make an even bigger ass out of themselves. Pisces have problems differentiating fantasy from reality at times as the fantasy end is just so much more pretty and fun and happy but in reality it's a bad thing to do it and sucks. I'm sorry if I dropped any pressure on you, you didn't need it. You didn't lead me on, I led me on. I just hope the friendship survives, it's an important one. Don't shut me out. I'm already feeling shunned. I thought it was what you wanted, you hate drama and I wanted to spare you any. Please don't shut me out.

I re-kindled one very dear friendship that had been suffering badly and was on the brink of ending after 13 years. It wasn't pretty at times and I shed more than a few tears at some of the things that went back and forth but the roulette wheel seemed to be in my favour on this one and this is a friendship back on track. I love this person madly and life just wasn't as bright without them in it. I have high hope for this friendship as the cool weather approaches and the hibernation period comes to a close.

I need to get serious for September, this much I know. I need to get my soft ass less soft, I need to get a lot of shit done. One good thing about August was it made me feel stronger in my mind, more capable. I saw the differences in how I reacted to 12.5 hours of no power, a flooded room, a flooded basement, no internet, all the little things that at one time would have had me acting like a lunatic were handled with a cool resolve and lack of drama.

I feel focused and clear-headed and like I know what I want and actually have more than just a few scattered ideas on how to get there. August was a month of laying the groundwork for September which is a month of hardcore prepping for October when things really get going. I want to spend the majority of the month smiling and laughing and maybe even getting it right for a change and I feel like I can do it. I also need to get back to blogging more, my priorities have been all wonky during the day hours and I need to straighten that shit out.

Basically, here is what I need to do in September:

*Up the walks, add the weights
*Get to gym
*Use the Kinect stuff and treadmill
*Finish Darkstar's webstuff
*Complete cleaning of this room, new area rug
*Get webcam into KMRL chatroom
*Get SAM installed
*Get hair cut so it can grow out enough for Christmas extensions
*Finish the clothes sorting and re-doing gueatroom into Heatherland, Part 2
*Re-screen 4 windows
*Inspect the car
*Read at least three books
*3 hours for McKenna tapes, meditation, writing, thinking. No phone, no computer, no TV
*Clean the LAST 2000 songs
*Get through a whole month of THC shows with no excuses
*Improve things with the mother
*Be silly, laugh a lot, make others laugh and feel good.
*Recruit one new show to KMRL
*Haunt Brian David Whitman some more to pay his debt
*Pay Thomas back as he was gracious enough not to remind me that I overspent in August and didn't send that $50

It's a lot but it's a lot of little things I can take care of easily and then work on the rest.

I have a lot of plans for Autumn and Winter, they don't include sitting in Red Hick lamenting missing all the holiday festivities or friends who've flown in or not meeting people I've been talking to online for 10+ years who know me as well as the people in the real world or not taking that crazy KMRL Christmas card on Santa's lap or not adding the webcam so I can give people the finger for two hours and introduce the world to my cats.

It's time to start having fun in the real world again and I'm looking forward to the adventurous and/or crazy souls who want to be a part of it all. Some of you have been putting up with me and my batshit head for over twenty five years, some have spent the past ten years being a constant part of my life. I at least owe you all a beer!

Thank you, August, for giving me a month of smiles and for laying a great foundation for the approaching 'season of the witch.' You did okay this month, kiddo.

Serious Trustworthy Geek Needed, Possible Paying Job

2011-08-29T04:31:00-05:00

I may be stubborn but I'm smart enough to know when I'm in over my head and it seems I'm there. I need help. I need a geek. Not just any geek. I need a geek I can trust to do two projects that could easily take me until the end of the world in 2012 to get done. I don't have a lot of money either but I'm sure between the three station owners we could get enough together to inspire someone to put the work into these projects. They may not even be as difficult as I'm making them out to be but I'm not a pro at this stuff.

Let me describe what I need done in as much detail as possible and hopefully something will come out of this.

PROJECT ONE: THE KMRL CHATROOM RE-VAMP

The KMRL Chatroom is currently using PCPIN.com which has been fine until now but it has a gabillion templates and I can't figure out how to do anything with them. What I'm looking to do is the following:

1. Change the layout of the main room to include video capability. I would rather not use Stickam or any of the other services, I would rather have our own stream going from our own whatever in the chatroom. This requires moving the chat window over a few inches, writing the code for the video capability and changing the list of people in the chat to a drop-down menu so it doesn't look cluttered.

2. We have a kid-friendly room but it has the same smileys and images as the main room and there are quite a few that are NOT kid-friendly. I need someone who can make it so we can have separate rooms with separate sets of images.

3.. Make the 'login with Facebook' work. I tried for weeks and couldn't do it.

I'm not hooked on PCPIN, I'm open to changing programs or something completely custom if it can do what we need it to do. I'd like to get the video stuff in so hosts can have the option of adding their webcams, I just can't figure it out.

That's one.

PROJECT TWO: SAM INSTALL:

This is the big one. SAM is a huge program from Spacial Audio we purchased a few years ago that never got set up. This is also where the trust issues come in.

The SAM install is going on my secondary hard drive. It's got 500gb of empty space so it's enough to store all the music and SAM. Before SAM can be installed there has to be a fully working mySQL install on the drive. I have never done this.

After the SQL is in and going, SAM itself has to be installed and configured and the .php pages it generates have to be checked and tweaked and it's just over my head. It would take me another two years to get it.

However... It requires granting someone remote access into my secondary drive to do the installing. That's where I start to get nervous. I've been burned before, I always used to say on the MUD it was easier to get into my pants than my source code and it's kind of the same here but I have to trust someone if I ever want things to come together and it's been far too long.

Info on SAM can be found her: http://spacial.com/sam-broadcaster/

So these are my two projects. I'm not in a crazed rush but I would love to see these things done and we're willing to pay for your time as I know it's not going to be too easy.

If you know a geek or are a geek, get in touch with me. It would take a HUGE ton of crap off my shoulders to know this was being done.

Thanks and VIVA LA GEEKS!

Happy Ishiversary!

2011-08-29T04:21:00-05:00

Four years ago yesterday we got Ishmael.

We were both feeling crappy over Catsby and Darkstar went looking a week later and as you can see in the video, Ishy found him.

Yes, Ishmael is from Moby Dick, Moby Dick is my 2nd favourite book ever so the name fit.

Four years later he's a strange cat, a sweet cat, a good cat, a loyal friend.

Much love, Ishy. Happy Ishiversary!

The Quote and its Origin

2011-08-24T00:13:00-05:00

More people than I thought would even notice one little post have been asking me where I got the quote from that I posted last night, might as well keep it in the Warbles so it doesn't vanish in the ever-moving wall that is Facebook

'Looking over at him she smiled what felt like her first true smile in years. "I finally figured it out tonight" she said, "if you don't want me there are a few truly good men who just might. It really is just that simple. You may lead but you haven't won." With that, she turned and walked out of the room, leaving him alone with his thoughts and something new - a slight fear he might really lose her this time.'

It was written a few years ago as part of a novel I've been writing for a few years now. The novel is still in the process and for all I know probably will be. The quote just popped in my head last night as I was thinking about a person or three. Who isn't important, the words are what matters.

I'm touched that people read it and identified with it, if it gives even one of you a little bit of strength or personal empowerment then I'm doing something right here.

Thank you for asking.

Remembering the Great Catsby Once Again

2011-08-21T17:36:00-05:00

(repost from last year, it said all I needed to say)

~~Two~~ ~~Three~~ Four years ago ~~yesterday~~ today our sweet little kitten died. His name was the Great Catsby and he never had a chance. He was pulled from his mother too young, dumped in a cage and left to sit day after day in the litterbox with no one caring. They lied about how old he was and disregarded the fact that he needed to be in an experienced foster home for a few weeks and let him be adopted.

We only had him a week. He was loved, he was held, he was given toys and lots of pets. He loved to sit in my lap and catch the sun. The day before he got sick he was trying to steal my Doritos.

He collapsed and never came back. Official diagnosis was 'fading kitten syndrome' but I never really accepted that. The shelter did him wrong, the first vet did him wrong and took him off the fluids.

He was just a kitten and it was only a week but I loved him dearly and I still cry when I think of him, I still feel like I failed him too. I had him cremated and his ashes are in a tiny blue marble urn next to my bed by Claude.

I loved you, Catsby. I just wanted to say you are not forgotten, you will never be forgotten.

Even though three years have passed I still cry on occasion when I look at the urn or these pictures of him with Tempy. Little guy really got to me. Much love, Catsby.