WebKittyn Warbles

It dawned on me today that one year ago today was the day it all really went to hell for me. March 8th 2008 was seizure day. The first of the six days I have no memory of and the following eight weeks in Albany Med and all that followed. Not an anniversary but not a day I want to forget.

What a year. It wasn't enough to have all that sickness and near-death shit in a 12 month period the Fates decided I also needed to lose my dad. What the hell kind of shit is that? How much can one person deal with before they just break down and give up.

No, I'm not at that point now but that doesn't mean I'm okay. I'm hanging on by a fucken string but I haven't broken down and given up yet.

My stupid birthday is coming up, makes it harder to deal with. I swore this was going to be a better birthday than last year's miserable one spent in the hospital. It's a shitty trade-off, I'm not in the hospital but it's the first birthday without my dad and I'm not dealing well.

I'm not really dealing well. I was talking to Darkstar the other night and it hit me that it's finally starting to sink in that he's gone. It's finally becoming real and it's hitting me hard. My mother is a mess, she's pretty much given up. Luckily she's willing to go talk to a grief counselour and she'll be going this week. She needs it, she's just given up.

I spend most of my time with myself lately, I just can't handle people. I haven't been on either mud or in the chatroom or Facebook or anything. I know I have people I can talk to if I want to and I love and value them deeply but that's just not me. I put a lot into trying to make my mother a little less miserable, I need the alone time when I've got it to try and help myself deal.

General Drucifer nailed it the other day. Darkstar called me and then somehow the General joined in and it was good to hear that someone got it. No, I'm not okay. I'm not supposed to be okay and I'm going to deal with my dad's death the best way for me and people who care will understand and let me got through the process in the best way for me.

I'm okay enough to realise that when those small moments come along where I can laugh at something or read an email from a friend and smile are what's going to save me. I can take those moments and not feel the sadness and I cherish them. Yes, the sadness comes back quickly but I have to believe eventually the moments will become longer.

Spring coming is also hard. It was his favourite time of year and right up until he died he was keeping a written count of days until Spring. He was planning on sitting outside and watching his birds he loved and the pond and now that it's getting close and he's not here for any of it it breaks my heart. I have a lot of tough moments and sad moments and teary-eyed moments.

I also don't want to bring anyone else down. Life is tough enough these days, who needs someone who's always sad sitting around. Not being noble, I know my friends don't care but I care.

I got an Xbox 360 Elite last week and a couple of games I can see myself getting lost in but I haven't taken the plunge yet.

It's kind of sobering to think back to last year and not be able to remember anything of it. Last memory I have is posting a warble on March 7th and then waking up on March 13th. A lot of the holes are going to be filled in next week when I get the records from Northern Dutchess Hospital. 133 pages of records for three days in the ICU, should make for some good reading.

The lawsuit is making me stress. Instead of going with some hack group you see the endless commercials for on TV, I've found an actual lawyer who was recommended by the wife of a superior court judge up here. He knows all the judges up here, which was an issue brought up by one of the firms I spoke with. Only thing is, while he doesn't ask for money up front - the expert witness review does cost money and it can run up to $2500. I have about 20 bucks in my checking account.

It's also a big risk, you can pay the person and they can review it all and decide you don't have a case and unless you have another $2500 to pay out for another review, you're screwed. I'm at a complete loss and where to find an 'expert witness' type doctor willing to review close to 3000 pages of records and who has a reputation for leaning towards the sick person. The lawyer said if I can't find one he does have someone he works with who would do the review but he made no bones about the risk.

He told me I didn't have to get all the records, the person I pay can do that but I'm going for them anyway. Seems Kingston Hospital once again tried to screw me and instead of my complete records they gave me the "abstract records" which is 1/3 of what's really there. The lawyer said this is not an uncommon practise but they didn't even tell me there were two sets of records even though I am legally entitled to my complete records. They gave me 46 pages for 17 days meanwhile Northern Dutchess has 133 pages for THREE days and I can only imagine what 56 days in Albany will amount to.

Like everything else, they charge you for your records, .75$ a page. Adds up when you're into thousands of pages and it's breaking me. I want to have them though, I need to have them.

The lawyer asked me for a chronology of events, how can I give him a timeline when I can't remember six days?

This shit stresses me a lot but it also keeps my mind occupied during the day making phone calls and talking to lawyers and trying to convince one of the doctors who treated me in Albany to do the review.

Christ, there has to be something good somewhere along the way, right? The high point of my birthday week can't be reading about the spinal tap I don't remember, can it? Fuck me.

I need to thank a few people and one big communal thanks here is the best I can muster up these days. Darkstar for really stepping up the past few weeks and being there for me with the nightly cheer, even if it doesn't always work. Dan for the pink roses and ribbon that makes the cat look really silly. Tony for the emails that give me the distractions. Mare and Ben for the trees and the thought. Kel and John for the candle. Gothic Lady for being so amazingly caring about a stranger. Batman for saying just the right things the other night. John Thunderbolt for calling me out on my turning reclusive and sad. General Drucifer for getting it. Zombie and his wife for the card.

So basically the bottom line is no, I'm not okay and I've never hated a birthday until now. Hopefully one of these days I'll be okay again but I don't know when and I make no apologies for not dealing better. I really miss my dad.

And I'm being driven slowly mad by cats. I don't know what I was thinking when I said "I can handle 4 cats" but holy jebus are they driving me insane. I love them all but it's too many cats! It'll be easier when the baby is a little bigger and can have the run of the house, when I've got them all locked in here with me and they're all running around at the same time I want to shoot them. Meow. I'll post pictures of the baby for the people who didn't see the ones Darkstar put up. She's very strange looking.

And now the nightly late-night blahs are setting in so I'm going to take my sad ass and go play some Fable 2 or read or cry on the kitten or something. I hope anyone reading this is doing well and I hope Spring is good to you.

Cheers.