WebKittyn Warbles

This blog used to be a happy place full of halfhearted attempts at being whimsical and looking at life with a perspective that I always thought wasn't so bad. It wasn't a super blog or one of the 'big' blogs but it felt good for me to write my thoughts here and come here and read my crap to myself.

Now it feels like a totally different blog. It's sad. It's filled with disease and death and sadness and sense of desperation and defeat I've never experienced in all my years. I know that I've had a really bad two years but somehow in those two years I've lost every little spark of happy I had. And I haven't really wanted to do anything about it.

I withdrew. I stopped blogging except for show announcements. I stopped IMing with people I spoke to on a regular basis. I stopped most of my communications with pretty much everyone except Darkstar.

I always thought of myself as a capable person. When the apartment burned down and we lost everything, I was calm and dealt with it. I've endured a few tragedies with friends and always considered myself capable and maybe even strong.

Sometimes I wasn't the nicest person in the world but shit, we can't always be nice. There are people I screwed, people I've said sorry to or should have said sorry to, people I've wronged. I'm human. I don't think I was ever a bad person though. I always believed in myself.

The past two years have stripped away much of the veneer and the fact that I know I'm getting worse again each day with the kidneys (you can tell, there are fairly disgusting symptons) and I've lost my heath, my father, my dignity, my pride, my independence, my cocky side.

I've become perpetually sad, like this blog.

It's not depression in the classic sense but it's definite sad. It's finally starting to hit me that my life will never be the same no matter how much I cry over it or will it to be or want it to be or cry for it to be. Like it or not, I'm going to have to either accept a kidney transplant or die. Considering I never had any of this until Kingston GAVE it to me, it's still all sinking in. Maybe two years (well, a tad under two years) is a long time and maybe I'm slow but it's all finally becoming real. Like it or not, this is my life now.

I haven't figured out a way out of the hole of sad I've dug myself into and to be honest I haven't really done much to try.

This blog used to help me, it used to be a form of therapy for me. Now all I see when I come here is the sad.

I don't want to start a new blog and pretend none of it ever happened and changed my life. I could give it a complete re-vamp but that requires the ability to sit and think and do things for a few hours and that's hard lately in between the increased throwing up and the rest of it.

I know that where I'm at right now is not a place I can stay. I'm slowly making my kidneys worse paying no attention to the diet (hell, it all comes back up anyway so who cares how much potassium is in those taters) and I don't like being sad all the time. As bad off as I am, there are people worse off than I and they haven't given up.

I don't want to go talk to anyone except for the fact that it helps the lawsuit. I have one or two or three friends I can say anything to who know me well enough to speak wisely. I know what I'm doing, I know I'm self-sabotaging and wallowing in sad and doing everything wrong.

Fact: I will never have my father back.
Fact: I will never have healthy kidneys.
Fact: I will need a kidney transplant in the next few years.
Fact: They're going to try and put me back on dialysis.
Fact: Throwing up 3-21 times a day is not normal.
Fact: This is my life now. I am powerless to change any of it.
Fact: However, I am not powerless to change how I deal with any of it.

They say the first step is admitting the problem. I've never had trouble with admitting the problem but here I am saying it out loud. Doesn't mean I'm having any great epiphany either, I may post this and go back to my shell of nothingness and hang out there but hopefully this will poke at me enough that I can change this blog to make it look new.

I'm not at the new beginnings stage yet. I'm still stuck in limbo medically and financially so I can't even claim with determination that I'm ready to move on. I guess maybe I can stick something pink on the walls of limbo and try a little harder to get out of it, I don't know.

It sounds so fucken corny but I don't know myself anymore. Who is this fatherless sad person with the dead kidneys and nonstop puking and where the hell did she come from? Just because I didn't cause any of this doesn't mean I have to live with the victim mentality (thanks, Darkstar). I hate victims and I've let my head turn my into one.

I finally got my full set of records and looked at the 'lost week.' Those 6 days of seizures and near death in ICU are all there in print and I sat and read them and cried. My mother lied, I asked her if I peed on myself when I had the seizure and she said no but there it was in the records, 'patient had incontinence and was foaming at the mouth.' Hullo. This was me? Are you sure? ME? Lemme tell ya, it's a little trippy finding out two years later what happened during six days that were completely blank.

So back to this blog. I'm probably going to unlink it from Facebook. If I manage to change the look I'll be doing a lot of writing as I try to get my shit together and I'm not sure I want that auto linking there. Anyone who gives a damn knows where to go.

YummY used to do this thing where she posted a few positive things at the end of every entry, 'the little things' I think she called it. It's a good practise, I've swam in the negativity all day, I should end with finding something positive.

I will change this blog.
My fat grey cat sleeps right next to me every night.
Chocolate cherries.

Three is all I've got.

Yah. I'm done. My hole is calling.