WebKittyn Warbles
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Zee Head, She is Focked!
I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with myself anymore, I don't know where all this came from or what the hell I'm supposed to do with it but I'm drowning.
I've been invited so many places over the last few years, so many different states (and even Romania) I've been invited to and it's so very tempting. I'd love to get in my car with a few bags and the cat and just pick some place to go visit and go.
I'm becoming some sort of Bohemian, it's weird. Maybe it's because I've discovered I live with a closet conservative but I'm really changing in my thoughts. Being upstate didn't do it but it brought out the lack of happiness that there was. I don't know my arse from my elbow these days, everything I thought was concrete has turned out to be paper and it's making me rethink everything.
It's 20 minutes to 4 in the morning now and instead of a nice peaceful sleep my friggin' head doesn't want to stop. Not even for a short break so I can sleep. Nooooooooo. What am I doing, what bad decisions am I making now in holding on and what the hell next. Oy oy oy.
I can't sit still but I can't concentrate enough to actually get anything done. I spent too much time today sitting here at the computer staring out the window at the Hudson. Not doing anything, not connected to anything or anyone but the cat and just staring at the Hudson. Too lethargic to put the four boxes of Christmas presents away and too wound up to sleep the day away.
It's not depression, it's not sadness. I don't have a word for what it is. Like believing all your life that there is no God and waking up one day to find Jesus himself levitating over your bed. Everything I thought was so important really isn't, everyone I thought I knew I don't, every way I thought was right has been proven wrong.
Early midlife crisis, perhaps? Dubya turned 40 and decided he wanted to be President and changed his whole life. I've still got time before 40 but I'm definitely feeling the need to change pull. I don't want to be here in this chair doing the same pondering when 40 does come and kick me in the head. I don't want a Harley, a sports car, a truck or a quick lay by a token piece so I guess it's not midlife crisis but what the hell is up with my head..
I don't even want to listen to the same music and THAT is damn weird. 1500 songs on my winamp playlist and the only things I wanted to hear were "Some Beach" and "Changes in Latitudes," the rest was all just majorly unappealing.
Maybe while I was sleeping the aliens came down and a pod crawled down my throat and is taking over my brain day by day. I feel like a pod person, I feel like a stranger to myself so the pod person theory works. Nanoo nanoo.
Whatever it is, it's here and it's staying until I figure it out.
I've been invited so many places over the last few years, so many different states (and even Romania) I've been invited to and it's so very tempting. I'd love to get in my car with a few bags and the cat and just pick some place to go visit and go.
I'm becoming some sort of Bohemian, it's weird. Maybe it's because I've discovered I live with a closet conservative but I'm really changing in my thoughts. Being upstate didn't do it but it brought out the lack of happiness that there was. I don't know my arse from my elbow these days, everything I thought was concrete has turned out to be paper and it's making me rethink everything.
It's 20 minutes to 4 in the morning now and instead of a nice peaceful sleep my friggin' head doesn't want to stop. Not even for a short break so I can sleep. Nooooooooo. What am I doing, what bad decisions am I making now in holding on and what the hell next. Oy oy oy.
I can't sit still but I can't concentrate enough to actually get anything done. I spent too much time today sitting here at the computer staring out the window at the Hudson. Not doing anything, not connected to anything or anyone but the cat and just staring at the Hudson. Too lethargic to put the four boxes of Christmas presents away and too wound up to sleep the day away.
It's not depression, it's not sadness. I don't have a word for what it is. Like believing all your life that there is no God and waking up one day to find Jesus himself levitating over your bed. Everything I thought was so important really isn't, everyone I thought I knew I don't, every way I thought was right has been proven wrong.
Early midlife crisis, perhaps? Dubya turned 40 and decided he wanted to be President and changed his whole life. I've still got time before 40 but I'm definitely feeling the need to change pull. I don't want to be here in this chair doing the same pondering when 40 does come and kick me in the head. I don't want a Harley, a sports car, a truck or a quick lay by a token piece so I guess it's not midlife crisis but what the hell is up with my head..
I don't even want to listen to the same music and THAT is damn weird. 1500 songs on my winamp playlist and the only things I wanted to hear were "Some Beach" and "Changes in Latitudes," the rest was all just majorly unappealing.
Maybe while I was sleeping the aliens came down and a pod crawled down my throat and is taking over my brain day by day. I feel like a pod person, I feel like a stranger to myself so the pod person theory works. Nanoo nanoo.
Whatever it is, it's here and it's staying until I figure it out.
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