WebKittyn Warbles

Will you be my friend (even though I farm too much and spend my days posting boots and shoes on FB)?

Tonight is one of the hard nights, the damn commercials are killing me.

Tonight I'm really missing my dad. I know it's normal but tonight's just a really hard night.

Tomorrow won't be as hard, I know this. Right now I just know I'm sad.

Miss ya, Dad.

"Don't you find yourself hypocriticil (sic) when you're talking about anthony weiner like he committed a crime but you did the same thing threatening to out audio clips on your show?"

No, actually I don't find myself hypocriticil or hypocritical. I see where you're coming from but you misunderstand.

My clips that I threatened to play were of a deatbeat on my phone who won't pay back what he promised would come April 1st. I've got a few voicemails where he sounds like he either just drank the entire bar or snorted a sand dune up his nose babbling about money and love and 'friendships' he would 'never screw over,' We're talking slurred, hardly understandable voicemail that I saved in case we end up on Judge Judy. That show was one of the ones I'm trying to work past, you'll notice I never posted it on podomatic because it disgusted me, I disgusted me. I can see where in jumping between topics and talking about three things at once you saw it that way.

I have no x rated clips of any sort, audio or video. Period. Nada. If I did, I would certainly never out them. Not even if they were of a sitting US Congressman, I don't need a payout that bad. That's really low end and even at my worst I couldn't go there. If I made it sound like I had such things, I'm sorry it came out that way. I hate to let people down but 99% of my pictures and videos are cats (the kind with 4 legs, no cute plays on words there) and any audio clips are skype calls from listeners who want their clips played.

I may have my ugly days but I couldn't do that. Although if it were a Congressman and a bunch of other people came out first with stuff I might join the pack much later on and not taking any money for git but that's about it. I don't betray trusts and there isn't a person alive who can say they've ever heard anything risque that anyone ever sent me - because there aint none and even if there was I wouldn't do it. I didn't out Weiner, I just think he's a bit of a disgusting pig-man and I don't feel sorry for him. There has got to be a point where you exercise some self-control and if you don't have that modicum of self-control I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you making laws for me.

So there's your answer. I hate to burst both your voyeuristic bubbles but no, I have nothing to share with the world and no, I have no pictures of Anthony Weiner's weiner. I do, however, have a ton of really cute cats playing with other really cute cats and lots of audio clips of Charlie Manson singing and spurting forth Manson-isms. And no, I am not a hypocrite. I'm a lot of things and they're not all puppies and poppies but I'm definitely not a hypocrite.

Question answered, now where's my cookie. You promised a Nutter Butter.

(this entry really posted at 2:15, I can't figure out how to change my times, dur dur dur) (never mind, I found it. I am woman, hear me roar)

We call this therapy in a blog. Since I've bowed out of life for so long, I'm making a list of things I absolutely WILL do by the end of the year. Nothing crazy or out there but all things I can get done and will get done by the end of the year. I'm freaken' tired of sitting around, there are things I want to do. I'll have some extra cash since I won't be buying cigs so maybe I can get this stuff done. I know one thing I'd like to get done but I don't see it happening and that's sad. I think there's one old friendship I can't fix even though now we'd probably be really good friends as this person is happily involved with someone which would make for really solid friends on a friend level like it originally was. Even I can't fix everything though. There are, however, a ton of things I can do and plan to do.

1. Go six months without a cigarette.
2. Cry on someone's shoulders. Really let it ALL out on a pair of strong male shoulders that can handle getting soaked.
3. Walk across the bridge from NYC to Brooklyn and back with Darkstar.
4. Go into NY city and face to face it with Meathe.
5. Ride on the back of a motorcycle in the Fall weather.
6. Get SAM working.
7. Have the grand Mojo Meet Up somewhere where people can go to, start planning.
8. Get my hair extensions.
9. Get one pair of really expensive Fall boots.
10. Go to the Greenwich Village parade on Halloween.
11. Have one crazy, illogical and wonderful fling/tryst
12. Add a webcam space to the KMRL chat room.
13. Do a few shows with the webcam on.
14. Train for Base Camp.
15. Go to my father's grave three times.
16. Organise a Pat's get together at the Quarry when Luke is bartending.
17. Go to a CB gathering.
18. See two concerts.
19. Go to a wine tasting and vineyard tour.
20. See one Broadway show.
21. 20 random acts of kindness.
22. Hand-write Christmas cards to my friends.
23. Remind my friends often how much I love them and what they mean to me.
24. Walk the Dutchess pathway over the river with Darkstar.
25. Redo my bathroom.
26. Allow myself to feel attraction/interest in someone.
27. Get the graft in my arm deflated.
28. Go to three haunted hayrides/haunted fields/haunted houses for Halloween week.
29. Go to the Dutchess County Food & Wine Fair in the fall.
30. Make 3 new friends.

There it is. Not a huge list and some of the things are really simple but I think if I can pull off everything on the list by the end of the year I can go into 2012 really feeling good about all of it. 2008 was the year of kidney loss and six months in hospitals and my father's illness. 2009 was the year of his death and my continuing illness. 2010 was a lost year of grief and self pity and being a mean closed in person even I wouldn't want to know (why didn't those who took off on me understand what I was going through, sometimes I wonder what made some stick it out and others flee so easily even though I know I was really fucked up and shitty), it was a year of doing nothing and going nowhere and doing my best to chase away anyone who tried. 2011 was split with the first half a continuation of 2010's misery and the 2nd half turning into a re-birth of sorts.

I want the rest of 2011 to be more than just a spiritual thing, I want it also to be physical so we've got the gatherings and the KMRL meet up and the motorcycle ride and the fling/tryst. I want to laugh and have fun and do some stupid things, it's been too long and I've earned the right to have a few laughs. I want to keep working on my head which I imagine will get easier as I start to cross things off my little list and start to feel better about actually doing things instead of just talking about doing them.

It's surprising how easy it's become to 'fess up to my mistakes. I can also acknowledge the good, this isn't about constantly beating myself down. I know there's been good but there's been way too much bad. Back in my 20's I used to do this thing called "going to the mirror." Darkstar used to hear about it all the time. Going to the mirror meant literally going to a full length mirror and taking a long look at myself without clothes and looking at the outside AND the inside. Was I happy with what I saw in either? Going to the mirror was always about being brutally honest, it wasn't a time to remember the good about myself, it was a time to stand tall and admit and accept the bad. Only then could I really change it.

I've been to that mirror recently. Aint pretty. It's better looking on the inside than it was a year ago, six months ago, a month ago but it's still not there. That's what this list is for and that's what all this blogging is for. Besides the comments I get here (which I truly appreciate and I pay attention to every one), the support I'm getting in email and FB messages from both friends and strangers is really inspiring.

I'm going to put this list somewhere on FB where it will always be there, either in my profile or a KMRL forum, whichever will make it last. I'll be updating at things happen and hopefully those who have been cheering me on will see things getting checked off and hopefully I'll continue on the emotional/spiritual regrouping path I'm on.

Besides. Number 11 is fun, everyone should have at least one crazy illogical tryst before they die!

Some endings aren't bad things. I've had a lot of endings over the past few years and for the most part they were good. One guy who is better off if I'm not in his life as we're oil and water. One long-term girlfriend who turned into a total stranger and would rather choose cocaine over her family. Letting go of the bitterness and anger over my situation. Those are a few of the good ones, the ending of my dad's life is not a good thing. The end of normal kidney function is not a good thing. Balance, it's all about the balance.

One thing endings do is change you. They either make you stronger or you cave to them and they take over. Dealing with an ending is a challenge, a test of will and self control. When a job ends it can throw a life into total turmoil. When a relationship ends how many times do you just want to go running back to the person and try like hell to make it work? Child moving out of the house? How many parents find the end of 'childhood' hard to accept.

Where the hell am I going with this? No, I did not get fired. They don't fire you from disability unless you die or get better. I didn't end any relationships and am not looking to go running back into the arms of any exes. I have no kids to leave the nest.

I am, however, filing for a divorce. I am officially divorcing cigarettes once and for all.

I did it a few years back before my dad got sick and I lasted 7 months. I did it with the patch and it was a double win as I wasn't smoking and I was having AMAZING dreams of being next door neighbours to the Moody Blues and some female Japanese acrobats who were also high-class escorts. The patch worked and I felt better.

When my dad got sick I went right back to smoking. Stupid move. I started again because of him meanwhile my quitting was the only thing I had done that truly made him proud in years. I still have a little card he gave me saying he was proud of me. My father didn't throw that around lightly, it meant the world to me. But I started again.

Now, once and for all, it's time to make it real. It's time to divorce my 20+ year-long marriage to cigarettes.

This time scares me a bit. I can't use the patch. I can't use the gum. I can't suck a lozenge. I can't do in-office hypnosis for $200 a session. I refuse to substitute food for cigarettes, I'm trying to get my ass in shape, not turn into a blob trying to do something healthy. I tried a 2mg lozenge and it shot my blood pressure way into the danger zone in seconds, all of that stuff is out. I'm wary of e-cigs as they really don't know if they can further damage my already broken kidneys so I'm out of options.

And so it becomes a battle of will, of mind over matter. Admittedly I've let my mind get soft while I was wallowing in the muck. I can't recall the last time I issued a challenge to myself that really made me struggle. Yes I do, it was when everyone was telling me I would never be off dialysis but I knew I would be and I worked my ass off to get to that point. Willpower.

So many reasons to want to quit. Let me lay a few out:

1. Health. My kidneys have already turned on me, I don't need my lungs joining the party.
2. Fitness. Hard to walk/trek long distances if you can't breathe well.
3. I can't afford the damn things, paying 11 bucks a pack to kill myself is illogical, Captain.
4. I'm a slave to cigarettes. Oh no, do I have enough? Will I run out tonight? Gotta go get cigarettes...
5. The most important one for me - my dad would once again be proud.

I'm not totally alone in my venture, I've got the help of Paul McKenna's awesome hypnosis CDs and they do seem to work. I've read his book halfway through and the exercises make sense, everything in the book makes sense. The CD actually puts me in some trance state, as many times as I've listened to it I can't tell you what he says past a certain point until he yells "THREE TWO ONE" to bring me out at the end.

It's time to just do it. To issue a formal challenge to myself that will test every fiber of my strength and determination and mind power. I also picked a really rough week to do it but why not start at a hard time so I know what to expect.

I know it's not going to be easy but when the cravings hit I have to count on the fact that I can make my mind stronger than the cravings, I can will my mind (with the help of Dr. McKenna's exercises) to stop craving the cigarette. I remember when I was doing my 8 weeks in Albany Medical Center and my kidney specialist told me he was amazed at how strong I was, how most people in my shoes would be devouring the xanax they kept trying to give me that I never wanted because I felt it made me weak if I couldn't deal without drugs.

I need to make my dad proud. Doesn't matter that he's not here, he'd still be damn proud and that's enough for me. When I go visit him at Saratoga I want to go as a former smoker.

So as of now I am officially issuing a challenge to myself and calling myself out. Who's stronger, Heather? You or the cigarettes.

May the stronger force win.