WebKittyn Warbles

I was listening to WABC not too long ago, tuned in to hear the John Gambling show. Turns out John was on vacation and they had a guest host. Guest host? One John Blaise Gomez.

Caught me completely off guard and set me reeling back to 97. It felt incredibly good to sit back and listen and think to myself "I did this.... Sean started it but I did this.."

It didn't go the way it did in 97, Princess Diana had to go and die the very same day John was finally going to get his shot on WABC, what we had been working long and hard for. Yes, Sean made the introductions but Sean didn't get Gomez on the air, I did. He and I were a good team. Seven years later it was nice to remember something good I did that obviously lasted.

I miss Gomez, I would very much like to hook up with Gomez again. Not like that, he's happily married and we proved the first time around that we worked better as muse and inspired. But I'd love to find him and get a website going for him with some kickass forums.

Time to send out some feelers.

John Gomez! On WABC! I did that. I'm not a complete fuckup!

Woo!

I think the closest I ever came to being really depressed was in the mid 90's. Nothing had really happened, I was single and not unhappy with that but life just suddenly became all around empty and I got really down. Down like I had never been before, it was creepy.

I had gotten tickets to a Moody Blues concert, that was the year we saw them like 4 times that Summer. This one was up a mountain in NY, it's a ski resort but in the Summer they have concerts.

I was going with Fay, she had this blue old clunker of a car but I didn't feel like driving so she did. I remember we had to drive up the mountain to get to the concert area and her car kept scraping rocks on the bottom, we didn't know if we were going to make it. Ski resort, big hill.

We got to the top of the mountain and found a suitable place to park. Opened the windows and all of a sudden I smelled pot. We looked around and I swear it seemed like EVERY car on the mountain was toking up. We got out of the car and were sitting on the hood breathing in the air.

A van pulled up next to us and the door opened and about five guys got out. Ok, radar up. Fay and I looked at each other like let the games begin.. Of course they started talking to us and soon we were all sitting around smoking and playing the radio and laughing.

It was the first time in ages I felt relaxed and no, it wasn't the weed. The top of a glorious mountain, your best friend, a cloud of smoke drifting over the cars and a group of friendly guys.

I got to talking to one of them, it got into a pretty intense conversation pretty quickly as he noticed my obvious distress and sarcasm and he came at me with some pretty wild shit about dealing with life.

It was bizarre, it was somewhat metaphysical. This stranger on this mountain being able to hit me so directly with just what I needed to hear even though I didn't know it. We hung out for an hour and by the time we said goodbye I was having this epiphany..

This was also the first time in my life I had ever had to use a porta-potty. Being the dumbass that I am I had to look down and I almost threw up. That was also the last time in my life I have used a porta-potty, may that continue.

The concert itself was a religious experience. No other band has ever been able to touch my core as deeply as the Moody Blues. So many of their songs are sacred to me, they get to my heart and they do things to my mind and soul. Being on the mountain under a tarp, stoned and still reeling from the pre-concert conversations, the whole experience changed me.

When they started to do "Question" I just lost it and broke down, much to Fay's horror. It wasn't sadness, it was the purging of the sadness and the letting go of the bad. As the music went along, the hope returned. As hokey as it
sounds, it happened just like that. I cried it all out and when the song ended I no longer felt depressed.

By the time the concert ended I felt like a new person who had been freed. The mountain still smelled like a giant pot plant and the stars were out en masse and I felt like my feet weren't even touching the ground. I felt good.

The guys were waiting at the van when we got there and we exchanged numbers and hugs but the one I had been so stunned by was gone. They said he met up with some other friends and went with them but to me that only clinched the whole mystical end of the night. Out of nowhere appears one who sees to clearly into me and speaks of it and then is gone after? Sorry, I've never believed in coincidence.

Life after the concert got better. It wasn't a dream, I had to work to keep the skies bright but they did indeed stay bright. And when I would start to falter I would put on the Moody Blues and close my eyes and see the mystery seer talking to me and the strength would return.

I think I could use a good afternoon session now of just me and the Moody Blues. I feel the strength wavering. Too many damn tests lately.

Between the silence of the mountains,
And the crashing of the sea,
There lies a land I once lived in,
And she's waiting there for me,
But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused,
Between the dead and the sleeping,
And the road that I must choose.

I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life
And if you could see what it's done to me...

Well, the Republicans have arrived. Part of me wishes I was going down there, I could have hung out with Hannity and seen Phil Boyce again and it would have been interesting to volunteer. I can't say for sure why I never pushed it, maybe it's part fear and part not being sure I really do support the cause.

I was pretty right wing for a long time, almost conservative for a while in my thought. I'm a die-heard child of the Reagan era and I loved the 80's and did well for myself in the 80's.

I don't really like John Kerry. I'm not interested in the whole war thing, I'm the post Vietnam generation. When I was in school Vietnam was over but it was still a fresh wound and it wasn't something taught in the classroom. Wasn't until college and the brilliance of Dr. Peter Slater that I came to understand just what Vietnam had been about. I think it's a nice touch when a President has served but I don't think it's necessary.

I don't find Kerry to be true in his words and his record on congressional voting is a shaky one. I find it hypocritical that he dares to call himself 'of the people.' I do like Terry Kerry, though. About time someone told the press to shove it, I thought that was great.

I like Edwards. I really like Edwards. His breakdown after the death of his son and his wife's willingness to help her husband and have such late childbirth touches me. But we don't vote for the President based on the VP, do we?

And then there's G.W. I think he's taking a lot of shit he doesn't really deserve. I'm torn down the middle on Iraq, I had no problem with the war or ousting Saddam. I don't think they had any sort of realistic post-war plan and that sits on his shoulders. The fact that he would pander to the right and even entertain the notion of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage really bothers me.

But I trust him with the terrorist threat in a way I don't trust Kerry. Kerry said something about reasoning with them, it scares me that he might actually believe he can sit down for tea and crumpets with Usama bin Laden and make friends.

I'm going to be watching the convention closely along with the crazy protestors who will probably piss me off enough to get their own warble in Dumbasses. I'm going to watch and read and I look forward to the debates.

As I stand right now, I'll be voting Bush. I'm open to change between now and November but there's just something so damn smarmy about Kerry.

Yes, smarmy. My word.

I was talking to an old gf of mine the other night, we were going over the past and the stupid things we did and we got into this deep conversation about how the sins of the past shape the person of the present. Ok, not as heavy as sins but things we did and people we dealt with who were part of making us who are today.

She's married now, out of the three of us I'm the holdout on getting married. We spent a lot of time blathering and it just got me thinking of my past a bit. And then while I was thinking I realised I should warble it instead of just thinking it. Get the thoughts of the head as they come and that leaves some room in the head for other thoughts, productive thoughts.

You are now entering the past, the present does not exist here.

There were three grand relationships in my life. Two of these times I can honestly say I felt love, the third I thought I did and I tried like Hell to feel love but in the end I realised I didn't and couldn't. And yes, the two were definitely love.
I snort derisively at those who say you can only fall in love once, that's romance novel drivel. It is very possible to
feel love multiple times..

Jerry was the one I tried to love and out of the three, the only one I ever came close to marrying. I can look back now and see that the best part of the Jerry saga was when I first met him and we went through that whole Sherry thing. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on Jerry, I wake up every morning glad I did not marry him and the only thing I learned from my time with him was how important a true friend is. How I made the right decision choosing a friend of 15 years over a love of 1. Validation of the self.

And then there were Michael and Frank. Sort of ironic that the two great loves of my past life were both, in their own way, doomed from the start and one wasn't even a relationship.

Michael was everything the 80's was. He had the Robert Chambers look without the sociopathy. He was intelligent and quick with his wit and he out and out snubbed me in no uncertain or subtle terms. I suppose I was bored in my life and Michael issued a challenge that ended up running almost three years and to this day remains the best three years of my life.

Michael was yuppie scum with a major attitude and he often treated me like crap. Nothing serious, nothing bad, but he was not considerate at all and would often be rude. He had his gaggle of freaky friends I hadn't won over yet and since none of them had a girl, Michael wasn't supposed to either.

It was like a game of cat and mouse, it was a chase and a challenge and it was often crazy. He would tell me "I love you" one night and the next day claim he was drunk and couldn't remember and he was going out with the boys. It took a year to win acceptance from his friends and when it happened it confused him and for once I had the upper hand.

Michael was also the only man who has even fallen asleep while receiving oral sex. Wow, did I just write that? Yes, I did, Bunky. This is my warble land. He was drunk off his ass and we were parked for some reason in the middle of a golf course and I was as bombed as he was. This was the night of my company Christmas party and he and I had been messing around in the stall in the women's bathroom when the band walked in (men and women) to smoke a joint and surprised the hell out of us. It was a night of many memories and his dozing like that was definitely one of them. *snickers*

It went on like that for almost three years, never really a relationship but it was always Michael and Heather mentioned together and it just sorta was. I think it started to fade when we became too much like a couple. The eccentricity was gone, the magick that was the mutual cat and mouse had finally dwindled.

It didn't end bad but it didn't end the way it should have.

And then there was Frank. Frank is hard to explain, he was the only one to ever break my heart without there ever having been anything. Along with all of that, Frank was also the single most influential person in my life and it was Frank who showed me the world of the internet and gave me a headstart into the future.

Frank was the most brilliant man I had ever met when we crossed paths in the early 90's. He was a professor of Philosophy at the college I was working at, I was the Dept. Asst. (secretary) for the division his Dept. was in. He was not only brilliant, he had lived. He had spent some time in a Buddhist monastery, he introduced me to the world of Zen and he compared me to Nietzsche. He looked like Kevin Spacey and was 15 years older than I. He was scatterbrained and funny and he would occasionally sing as he walked the campus. He had a long black wool coat he would wear with a white silk scarf... He was Captain of his town's volunteer fire department..

He was also the Director of the school's baby distance learning program. DL was unheard of back then, it was done on a dos BBS and it met with sneers and jeers in every direction. It was considered so pointless they wouldn't give him a staff. He had one student helping him with the technical end and one other professor helping with the admin end and that was it. I had just recently gotten my first computer and he talked me into taking a DL class or two. Instant karma.

I took it DL like nothing else. I recognised instantly the potential for this program. I saw students who would otherwise sit an entire semester and not raise their hand once posting like crazy. I saw barriers of race and religion not there to cause judgment as people freely shared opinions and ideas. I saw this all being possible because of the commitment of Frank and Frank alone.

He quickly become not only my hero but someone I had strong feelings for. Unfortunately for me, there was a Mrs. Frank and she too worked at the college part time and I knew her.

Gradually I came to work with Frank on the DL program. I wrote the entire manual for new students, I trained new faculty members, I sold the program to hesitant faculty and administrators, I gave demos, I gave out my home number if people needed help and I was constantly online to get questions. With this, I spent an alarming amount of time with Frank in a small classroom turned office. I worshipped him from afar.

The way I felt for Frank was really no secret. Al (the other professor in the program) and Joe (the tech guy) knew what was in my head, as did Frank. There was chemistry with him, there was always flirting and long looks in the eyes but it never went past that. It could have, I would have laid down right there in the office had he shown the go-ahead but he never took advantage.

There were a few times things came close. We would go out to the karaoke bar on occasion after orientations or finals and we'd all get drunk. Legs touching under the table, fingers touching reaching for the ashtray.. Telling me he had to get up and walk away and leave the bar right then or things were going to happen. And actually leaving! I was speechless, he said it in one quick breath and was out the door before I could process it. The only time I went to kiss him goodbye and our tongues met..

It was agonising and sweet at the same time. I made mistakes with Frank, I put the man on a pedestal no one could fill. I learned that he was indeed human and not perfect and it crushed me. Frank ended up leaving his wife but it wasn't to be with me. It was to be with his girlfriend whom he had had for a long long long time, almost as long as he had been married.

In a strange way, it was almost as if he was putting himself into some sort of penance. This woman he went to had a lot of serious issues, he went there as a caretaker as much as a lover. One thing I always respected about Frank was the fact the he didn't go for it with me. What he was doing was complicated and possibly not right but he wasn't a greedy man and he didn't take what was willingly offered.

I loved Frank deeply and truly, enough to put aside my feelings and be there for him as the friend he needed as he got hit with major bad mojo at home and the usual horseshit at the college. Frank and I never lost the closeness, it just became something other than unrequited love.

Frank did things to my mind no one else has ever been able to do and for that I was completely hooked. He made me think in ways I didn't know I could achieve and he was just so amazingly brilliant. To this day Frank remains the most intelligent and charismatic person I have ever known.

And there they are, the 3 big relationships of my past. I'm sure a shrink could have a field day with them and my patterns but shrinks aren't going to be reading this.

When I think of Jerry, I want to spit.
When I think of Michael, I laugh.
When I think of Frank, I think.

I don't live in the past, I don't look to go back and re-ignite the past. But these are my annals and from Jerry, Michael and Frank I have drawn much and added it to who I am.

/end warble/

Psssst.. Hey you! Yes, you!

It's 4:20 in the morning. You're half connected and half not and it's 4:20 in the morning.

Stop the blogging, crazy woman.

Step away from the blog, ma'am. Put the blog down and come out with your hands up.

GAHHH!